Golf Jokes

Golf Funnies
*** A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in a sexy little nightie. “Tie me up,” she purrs, “and you can do anything you want.” So he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.
______________

*** A golfer asked his friend, “Why are you so late?” The friend replied, “It’s Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!”
______________

*** A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, “You are spectacular, and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the golf course. What’s your secret?”
Nicklaus replied, “The holes are numbered.”
______________

*** A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?”
The young man says, “An 8–iron, father. How about you?”
The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”
The young man hits his 8–iron and puts his ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7–iron and dribbles the ball a few yards.
The young man says,“I don’t know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.”
______________

An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a “Mulligan” which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, “What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?”
“We call it hitting 3”
______________

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5–iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes”, says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
"I don’t know…five, six, maybe seven times…just put me down for a five.

During the presidency of George I, there were whiffs of a scandal surrounding Vice President Dan Quayle. It was rumored that he’d gone to Florida on the expense account of a glamourous lobbyist “to play golf.” (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) This same lobbyist was alleged to have provided, uh, favors, to other politicians.
Asked to comment on the alleged illict behavior by her husband, Marilyn Quayle said, "Anyone who knows Dan Quayle knows that he would choose golf over sex, any day."
My husband was pretty sure Quayle was an idiot BEFORE this anecdote surfaced. This iced the deal.
Mary

Quote:

During the presidency of George I, there were whiffs of a scandal surrounding Vice President Dan Quayle. It was rumored that he’d gone to Florida on the expense account of a glamourous lobbyist “to play golf.” (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) This same lobbyist was alleged to have provided, uh, favors, to other politicians.
Asked to comment on the alleged illict behavior by her husband, Marilyn Quayle said, "Anyone who knows Dan Quayle knows that he would choose golf over sex, any day."
My husband was pretty sure Quayle was an idiot BEFORE this anecdote surfaced. This iced the deal.
Mary


Hey Mary,
I just remember Senator Lloyd Bentson (the ultimate patrician) looking at Dan Quayle and saying “Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy”. The look on Quayle’s face was priceless. Every time I see that clip, I just can’t stop laughing. Where is Dan Quayle these days?
Natalie

Former Vice President Dan Quayle is currently working with an investment firm in Phoenix, Arizona.