I do.....or don't????

Well as the title suggests I am rather in a quandary.

I met a girl a while back. She is in CA and I am in MN. We talked, and talked (and talked lol) and after a few trips to CA and spending time together we realized that we wanted to take the next step and get married.

Well I understand that the initial euphoria of having found someone and love and all that stuff often clouds sensible judgement so I decided to post this on here in the hope that people will opine with a little more dispassionate perspective than ours.

The story goes thus:

I quit work in June to complete my premed classes full time. I’ve been living off of my savings and the way I have it planned the rest of my savings should be able to tide me over the next couple of semesters. Hopefully by then I should have most of my prereqs done. I do intend to work full time during my glide year whenever that comes around.

Well as for us, we plan on getting married in August. She works and plans to take 6 months off after getting married and then working full time again. She understands where I am and what I plan to do.

The question is, are we being overly optimistic and fools in love by trying to get married and starting a family with everything I am planning on doing. My main concerns are if not spending time with my new spouse is going to drive the relationship down the drain?

How about kids? What if one of those things decides to bounce along? What kind of stress will that put on the relationship?

I know for a fact that it took me a long time (too long actually) to get where I am today, i.e., following my dream. I do want to pursue it with all the energy I have. I would not want to compromise on that facet of my life. If it means I don’t get married then I’ll bite the bullet and not get married! By trying to get married at the same time am I trying to have my cake and eat it too?

If we do end up getting married, I would move to CA and apply to med school in CA. Having done my prereqs at the University of Minnesota, would my chances at med school in CA be diminished in any way?

Also, I heard from some students that applying to med school in CA is particularly difficult - more so than the rest of the country. Is it really that cut throat down there?

Since I am moving there because I am getting married I would be considered in-state from the get go so I’m not worried about having to apply as an out of state resident.

Or am I just getting cold feet? I would really appreciate honest advice from you guys. Brutal, cold, honest advice! I’m old enough to be able to take it and also old enough to realize what the right thing to do is, and what is practical and what is not. Besides I’ve been there once so its not as if I’m hurting to get married again.

Its just that I’d rather have a family at 35 rather than 45.

Thanks for your patience if you managed to get so far without clicking the ‘Back’ button on your browser!

I can’t comment on whether CA schools will have issue with previous MN work. My gut feeling would be no, but you can just check with the schools you are interested in applying to in CA and ask.

As for the relationship aspect, I met my husband up where I was currently living, so there really wasn’t a distance factor, but I moved in with him after about a year. And then I decided to bite the bullet and start my pre-reqs. I’d been planning it, but was just working and saving $$ and by the time I was ready, I was in a relationship. At any rate, he was very supportive. I made it abundantly clear that I wouldn’t be around as much, especially home every day at 4 and ready for bed at 9 or 10 with him. I also made it clear that I wouldn’t always have time to do dishes, laundry, etc. although I try. I also work full-time running my own business.

Anyway, he remained supportive and we fell into a routine where he does dishes/laundry and I do bills/shopping. It’s equal amounts of time and each of us do what the other dislikes

Fast Forward to now. We’re married - 2 years at Thanksgiving and I have been accepted to one school and am hoping for a positive outcome on the other school I just interviewed at, so no matter what, I WILL be a med student next fall. The pre-med/working experience prepared us well for what’s up ahead. I won’t have my practice anymore, and that time will be replaced by school.

I anticipate my schedule to be similiar for the first 2 years though from what I’ve learned on my interviews, and of course it will change for the clinical years.

I hope this gives you some idea of how another OPMer handled their relationship and start of their med journey. With the RIGHT person, it’s definitely doable. Just remember to talk about what to expect, and constantly talk about how it’s affecting you when it’s happening.

there’s no good time to have a baby, and there’s no bad time. You just adapt. I say go for it!

It is wonderful to be “fools in love”. I’ve been married 20 years and we are still foolish. As Terry said, there is no perfect time for children or marriage, they are a part of life. Just make sure that you both agree on the journey to find out what marriage is for you two as individuals. It is a wild ride and can rub off a lot of rough edges.

I’d just like to say how much I appreciate all of the advice here. I live all by myself in the States and the advice I get here serves as surrogate family advice!..no I really mean it, it’s not the eggnog speaking!

  • Dazed Said:
Also, I heard from some students that applying to med school in CA is particularly difficult - more so than the rest of the country. Is it really that cut throat down there?


just regarding this point, as I understand it California's schools are difficult to get in because of the population of the state. They could probably build 5 more medical schools and still not have enough seats. Lots of Californians wind up in the Arizona and Nevada osteopathic programs--close to home, mucho easier to gain entry because fewer applicants.

You should be prepared to apply broadly and go where you get in. If you get into Florida or Mississippi or Wisconsin--well, that's where you have to go if you want to become a physician. Or else wait a year, buff up your credentials, and reapply to your local schools, and hope the dice land the way you want them to.

Keep in mind also that medical school is only two years of classes. You typically spend the 3rd year in local clinical rotations, and then often people do 4th year rotations nationally. Residency is a national game. You compete for spots in your chosen specialty on a national basis and you may have to move to Podunk, east of Nowhere. California has probably enough teaching hospitals that you can pretty much stay local but you can't bet on it.

Best of luck,