There are those who want to have their cake and eat it too. Then there are those of us who want to make our cake from scratch, eat it, and clean up the mess.

Overachievers, type-A personalities, high strung, ambitious–I’m sure you could think of more synonyms. The contentment of the status quo just doesn’t do it for us.

Try as I might, I can’t bring myself to be content with my (I admit) blessed life. I’ve read books on gratitude and contentment. I’ve counted my blessings and named them one by one. I’ve done deep breathing exercises and meditated on this thought: “Maybe it’s okay if I don’t become a doctor. Maybe I should just be happy with what I’ve been given and not push the envelope. Maybe I should go to the community college and become a respiratory therapist.”

But the “desire” or “urge” or “calling” or whatever name you want to give this primal thing in my soul that pushes me toward becoming a physician never goes away. When I try to articulate the “why” of it, I stutter and my words come out sounding incredibly corny. I know in a few years I will have to write my personal essay to get into medical school, answering the unanswerable question: Why do I want to become a physician? The answer is not so much that I want it, but that it wants me.

Again, the cheesiness is unavoidable: I feel that I am deeply in love with the idea of becoming a doctor. It makes my heart pound and makes me short of breath. When I drive past the medical school in my hometown that I hope to attend one day, I feel like I’m 16 and driving past my crush’s house–I speed away as if I don’t want to be seen, yet I secretly hope I will be. When I talk about my dream with others I blush and stammer and yes, even verbally deny my desire in order to avoid embarrassment.

Infatuation aside, I know my love is real. I’ve put in years of work, even when it wasn’t fun or easy. Taking two semesters of anatomy & physiology while working full time, husband in grad school and with a 4 year old boy. Falling asleep on my Netter’s. Digging through a cadaver on many beautiful Saturdays when most people were playing with their families in the park. I have put a gloved hand in a bucket of sheep brains and pulled one out to dissect it. I have poked and prodded at transerse cuts of human thighs that looked like pork chops.

And there are years and years ahead of me: I will not even begin taking prerequisites for another two years. I do sometimes feel like Jacob (at least I think it was Jacob…) waiting seven year stretches for his true love Rachel.

Sorry to have such a rambling first post. I wanted to introduce myself by really opening up about what’s been going on in my heart lately. I hope it wasn’t too long and boring.

Here are my basic stats:

31 year old married mom of one boy

Currently an executive assistant in Austin

BA in English in 1998; GPA 3.85

Have been lurking on this site for a year now

Can’t start pre-reqs for 2 years for financial reasons

Plan to attend Texas A & M Health Science Center in Temple, TX (my hometown) in 2012

Welcome, Carolyn! You’ve been lurking for a bit, so you know the place - make yourself at home.

a suggestion–even if you can’t take the courses yet, buy the books and study them every night. When you finally start your courses, you will have some of the vocabulary and concepts already down. In fact, if allowed, you should audit some classes. This strategy will enable you to increase your scores and help facilitate your entry into medical school. By the way, your posting has the ring of a fine personal statement to it. Keep polishing it, and best of luck,

Welcome! I hope you will be able to work in at least one science class soon to sharpen your appetite even more. I have an English degree and have just finished my application to osteopathic schools. While “waiting” I am taking Anatomy & Physiology and second year Spanish - best of luck!

  • DrCarolyn Said:

And there are years and years ahead of me: I will not even begin taking prerequisites for another two years. I do sometimes feel like Jacob (at least I think it was Jacob...) waiting seven year stretches for his true love Rachel.

Since you brought up the Bible, I also wanted to say that God created us for greatness, not just to settle and get by. I feel that if this is so strong in your heart, you've got to work towards it.