lets get the jokes rolling again

Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back…or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do…
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
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I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,
I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men’s balls.“
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
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Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, " No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy
grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
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While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok! I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving, “right now”, she would be
punished…
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Amy Richardson, Stafford, Virginia.
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A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,
TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word, “Tampax” for “Thumbtacks.” In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.
'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Diane E. Amov.
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Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me. Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?”
"No, " he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!
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This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don’t get any…a true story…
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So, Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!!

Finally, a forum that gives a use to all those emails my mom forwards me!
Irish jokes:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Connor and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little O’Connor,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you,he must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs.O’Connor’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.


A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few
intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
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Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
"Oh! my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. “Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, no Brenda… no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, "So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible ! news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, “That he did, Father.”
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
She says, "He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that gun…’
======= AND THE BEST FOR LAST =======
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.


The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either”.