Needing some advice...

Ok, I have been with my fiancee for almost ten years. we have been through the bad the good and the ugly. I have talked with him about medical school and how bad I want to become a physician for years, even back in high school. He has always said for me to follow my dreams, and that he would never want to hold me back in any way. Weelll…

Here are the issues:
We have lived together for some time now, and our finances are totally separate. Last year he went to Iraq for 15 months. The worst months of my life. It left me still in college full time (the last 5 months), working full time as a nurses aide, and trying to pay for an apartment on my own. This wasn’t easy, and I recieved no help financially (at first) while he was away.
We had plans to move to NH after I graduated to build a house on the land we bought. He told me after graduation, go up to NH and start a job and when he gets home he’ll
meet me there and we will start building. His rationale for this was that I would already have established time and a job up there so we could expedite the mortgage process/approval when he got home.
Well, as some people know this didn’t work out. We moved back to Mass when he came home because his reintegration would have been harder for him in unfamiliar teritory (most like to come home to steady job, friends and family, which because we were so new up there we didn’t have any of this).

So long story short he ended up having to fork over some cash that he was racking up overthere to help me relocate and find a job. This was my first time EVER depending on anyone but myself (scary). So now that hes home its, when am I going to pay him back, or how I should be grateful that he helped me through this ordeal etc. Needless to say I’m a little angry, and frustrated that the man I am about to marry is being like this!
We have talked about medical school and how expensive it will be, but I truly don’t think I can depend on him to financially support me through med school. This is very scary for me. I can’t understand why he doesn’t conceptualize the realities of going to med school, and that I won’t be able to work full time, and I won’t have time to be “hanging out” every weekend with him. He has a 9-5 job with weekends, holidays, and paid vacas off. It drives me insane that hes just so oblivious to the difficulty of this journey I so badly want to persue.
How do people manage financially? While he was away and I was trying to “make it”, I spent all my savings lived paycheck to paycheck, and now my credit stinks. I’m trying to pay off all my credit card debt, and student loans from my undergrad (with no help from him of course). I’m at wits end. I am taking this year to pay off all my debt, and start at HES next fall. I’m just wondering if working through your pre reqs is an option? Should I even get married now, considering if I’m going to apply for financial aid I’ll have to claim my husbands income right?
He is also very needy sometimes. He hates the fact that I work nights, and I “never” see him. I think to myself, HELLO…and what do you think med school and residency will be like? I think maybe he just has more growing up to do, like he hasn’t drank himself into an oblivian enough times or something, maybe he hasn’t partied hard enough or long enough yet? I do like to have fun don’t get me wrong, but I don’t like bar hopping EVERY weekend. Sometimes I think we are sooooo different, and other times like we were meant to be/ made for each other.
I think he is part of the reason I’ve doubted my ability to go to med school and pull the long hours. All the questions like can I still be a good wife and can I still have children and be a good mom. I don’t want to wait until I’m 40 to have children. I know I am still sooo young, a baby even, but I also am aware of the sacrafice and time it takes to something worthwhile. When I venture to accomplish something I do it whole heartedly and steadfast. I always felt like I had to choose between chasing dreams and reality of my wanting to also be a wife and mom. I realize now I have the power to do both, but without my counterparts holistic support things are going to be tougher than they really have to be right?
I love the man dearly, and want to be with him, but I want to be happy with my career too, fulfill my dreams, just be happy.
Any advice is welcomed. I’m wondering if I’m alone? I know single people do the med school thing, how do they do it financially? Is working an option? Are their scholarships out there? What does financial aid look like for graduate work/pre reqs? I don’t really know what to do, and when I try talking to him I just get frustrated at his level of understanding, and cooperation for that matter that I chose not to discuss it with him anymore. Any words of wisdom? Thanks~ Sorry so long and ranting.

As far as the prereqs go, if you are going to HES I think you will find you are able to work also. You might have to cut it back some at first until you find out if you are able to keep up with the work etc. But I think it would be wise to try to stay out of debt (further debt ) Are you planning to start out with Physics and Chemistry? HES classes are at night, so you could work some days.
There is an underlying issue here for you, and I am not qualified to advise. My experience in marriage is that there are times when one person is in school and the other is supportive and then other times when it is time for the other one to go… That said, when we were first married, my husband went for his Master’s and I was not all that supportive… I whined a lot, and in spite of that he finished and did very well. I will need a lot more support emotionally and he is able to give that to me now (we have been married 15 years.)
I have the added expense of childcare (HUGE by the way) for four kids. So from my perspective, it seems more doable alone. Each person’s situation is unique however and as my sister (a DO) said, everyone in med school said they could not imagine doing it… fill in the blank… married, single, without their kids, with kids etc.
This is all good stuff to work out BEFORE you walk down the aisle imho.

I would not be with someone like that…and I am sorry to say this. He seems very selfish and self-centered. I know that being with someone for eight years is a long time…but let me tell you if he is like that now…when you get married more than likely it may get worse. I do not do well with high maintenance people be it my SO or even friends.

Hey there. First of all, just stop and take a breath. You seem quite overwhelmed with all of this (and I can see why too). I am an addiction counselor–and I spend a great deal of time working with couples–so let me share my two cents with you on some of this. After I read your post the first thing that came to my mind is that it sounds like you have several relationship issues that you need to either work on or decide on what to do with…BEFORE trying to grapple with the whole medical school thing. Medical school is a huge undertaking (as I’m sure you already know)–and something that you can DEFINITELY DO!!! However, if you are married or in a committed relationship with someone–it makes the process more of a nightmare if they aren’t on the same page as you or as supportive as you would like. My opinion is to first try to work some of these issues out first–and then talk about the med school journey with him. He will have to understand the time committment on your part and how that will take time away from him. He will either need to understand that and realize you are finally chasing your dreams, or he won’t–and then you’ll have other decisions to make. I hope all goes well. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of talking things out. Best of luck to you, Anna

you said a few things that raised some yellow flags for me. The little bit about drinking was one. If drinking is his way of dealing, then I suggest you address that problem before getting in any deeper. Also his attitude toward your career aspirations sounds a bit lackadaisical. His commitment to you and his flexibility need to be totally acceptable to you. Just my humble opinion, but it may turn out to be a blessing in disguise that you don’t owe this fellow a dime.
I’m into year 3 of my marriage and it hasn’t always been easy; we try really hard, and we have gone to a couples counselor regularly for years. It’s really paid off especially for me, being your typical male who can’t express his feelings. Marriage seems to be all about compromises and sharing and buying into each other’s dreams and wishes. So you have to make sure all of those things happen, or else one or the other of you are going to be very miserable.
Good luck,

It sounds to me like you are going to have to do some thinking about your future. Modern platitudes about relationships aside, every successful marriage I’ve seen has been a partnership where the individuals worked hard at growing together and supported each other fully. Also, finances are one of the areas in marriage that cause serious disagreements. If you two haven’t gone for professional pre-marital counseling, I’d highly recommend that. Good luck!

Real men give unconditionally to the woman they love, they do not ask to be repaid. They do not manipulate “favors” into a weapon. Their words match their deeds; their word is their honor. They care for their loved ones and protect them from harm. They bolster their woman’s self-worth, they do not try to keep it down, and they never tear it down. Real men treat their women with the utmost honor and respect.
You are beautiful and strong. You are smart. You have a plan for your life. You are a real woman who deserves a real man.

Just my thoughts on your situation:
I also saw some yellow flags in your post, not just the drinking, but the fact that, after almost ten years, this man does not seem to want to support you in a bind, or if he does, doesn’t let you forget it. Also, I don’t know his job, but if he spent time in Iraq, then he’s military or reserve, and it concerns me that he didn’t make any provision for you during his stint in Iraq. Fifteen months is a long time to make it alone when you’re a student with meager income. Military or not, your SO shouldn’t just take off and leave you hanging. Relationships are VERY important in medical school. If you are in one, it really needs to be supportive. Financing for medical school is basic living expenses. It will pay your tuition and support YOU, though not in a lavish style. That part you likely don’t have to worry about if you have no children. However, you don’t need the extra stress of a roller coaster relationship to derail your plans for medical school. If your plans for medical school are very important for you, I would suggest that you consider some counseling with your fiance BEFORE getting married. These bumps in your relationship sound as if they have been there for the ten years you have been together, and not only do you want to succeed in medical school, you also want to make a marriage work. I’ve been married almost 15 years, and it isn’t easy. It isn’t the same as living together either (we did that before), so make sure your ducks are in a row before jumping in.
Best of luck,