I have a great network of friends who send around funny stuff:
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”
“98,” She replied. “Two years older than me.”
“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.
She responded, “Hardly worth going home, huh?”
I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had 2 by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if
I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But… Thank God, I still have my
Florida driver’s license!
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, "Doc, I want my
sex drive lowered.“
Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all
in your head?”
“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. "That’s why I want it
lowered!"
God, grant me the senility
To forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her
final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she
wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Bloomingdales.
“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”
“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
Those were fun. We were watching a video about a woman in France (I think she died this last year, but she was the oldest woman living when they made the video)… anyway, a reporter told her at her birthday party that he hoped to see her the next year, and she replied, "Oh, you’re young, I’m sure you’ll make it!"
Epidoc