I have a long story posted somewhere about my mom going to med school when i was a preteen.
Long story short… she’s a successful FP and my brother and I turned out fine. My dad always was a hard worker and never changed.
Wow…my old thread revived…
With reference to Richard B about the spouse have the magical power to just shut his/her parents down…I agree that in an ideal world this would be the solution to the problem. Of course, my husband defends OUR decision for me to go to medical school, BUT his family is dysfunctional and his mother in particular a big source of this dysfunction and always has been since he was born into the family. She is overbearing, selfish and has not been particularly supportive of his needs and dreams through his own life…yet she takes all the credit later. She claims her son is her prince, yet it seems everyone else (particulary those with $$$) has priority over him although she will always say she did EVERYTHING for him.
He has learned how to cope and survive in his crazy childhood…ignore her, drown out her negativity and rise above it. Me being fairly new to the scence (with ultra supportive parents and tight-knit family) do not have the benefit of these coping mechanisms to deal with her - she drives me up the wall…although I routinely tell her when she crosses the line (not that it helps).
My point is that I could push my husband to put her in her place everytime she says something rude, but I know she won’t change. So in the end what I would be advocating is that he cut off his ties with his mother and I think he would…but I don’t want my husband to cut off ties with his mother. That just seems so extreme to me…so I would prefer to live far away, take her insults every so often, stew and let her know that she’s gone too far, have her not really address her problem, and vent on an anonymous posting board.
Seriously, not trying to belitte the fact that she has a serious problem and unfortunately because I fell in love with her son I have inherited that problem…but over the years, I’ve learned that she will not change and my husband, like most children, cannot change his parents…what he can do is refuse to have relationship with them under those terms, but I cannot justify such an extreme path in our life because of hurt feelings.
For NOOR:
Hi Noor, Seems like your situation is a bit more complicated she being the caretaker of your children and your husband being unable to support the family. I wish I could just tell you to go for it…and part of me feels that should, but I think maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Better that you know now and take steps to extricate yourself and your family from their favors and dependance on your in-laws…it just seems to me that when dealing with unsupportive and toxic in-laws it can be hard enough when they live in another state with no day-to-day interaction, much less reliance.
Becuase your MIL (and indirectly FIL) will be affected by your decision to attend medical school (i.e. feeling obligated to continue watching the children for well into another decade), I think it’s unreasonable to ask her (and him) to keep their opinions or thoughts to themselves…becuase it affects them too and by virtue of your reliace upon them, it invites them in the decision. I don’t know a whole lot about your relationship with in-laws and other than this incident, they may be perfectly pleasant…but I do know about toxic in-laws and if they can fall into that category even some of the time, I would strongly consider that you search hard for other options for child care that would free you from their grip.
- Mary Renard Said:
-- it sounds like your MIL and FIL aren't on the same wavelength as you when it comes to values and positive messages. Is it OK w/ you that your MIL is so integral to your kids' upbringing? Might she not be giving them those negative messages as well?
-- ARE you possibly taking your in-laws for granted when you look ahead toward med school?
-- DO you want them so involved in your family's life, indefinitely?
Mary
Thanks, Mary! My MIL and FIL love education and academics, and both have physicians siblings and other relatives as well.....
my MIL was actually excited when I told her I wanted to do medicine, and she was game for the road ahead....but, suddenly, we are both getting this negative feedback from my FIL, and the whole dynamics changed...
like I mentioned before, I came from quite a dysfunctional family, and I really respect my MIL for the way she raised her 4 children when it comes to being a loving, affectionate family with solid moral values, so, that is why I actually prefer her being a major player in my children's upbringing, because I trust her judgement.....however, they kind of groom their sons to be a man's man, and their daughter to to be a perfect housewife (although she has been doing great academically, as well)
I am not domestic in any sense of the word.....this is where my upbringing was different....we were raised to study, study, study and become the best of the best....I rebelled and got married at 19, throwing away aspirations of medicine....probably needing the "functional" family....who knows.....that's a whole other talk show
yes, I have been fortunate to have my MIL help with childcare, but, you are right, maybe it's time I have to just let go and move on, be independent, and realize my dreams......
thank you for your input!
- iwant2bMD Said:
Better that you know now and take steps to extricate yourself and your family from their favors and dependance on your in-laws...
I honestly think it's my own fear that has kept me from doing this for so long....
- iwant2bMD Said:
Becuase your MIL (and indirectly FIL) will be affected by your decision to attend medical school (i.e. feeling obligated to continue watching the children for well into another decade), I think it's unreasonable to ask her (and him) to keep their opinions or thoughts to themselves....becuase it affects them too and by virtue of your reliace upon them, it invites them in the decision.
yes, you are absolutely, right....I am forced to oblige because of my dependance, and I am dragging them along with my life decisions, which isn't very fair to them....
I also know that my FIL strongly believes in being independent of his children, and that is probably the underlying reason, as Mary stated, for him discouraging me from pursuing this.....
- iwant2bMD Said:
I don't know a whole lot about your relationship with in-laws and other than this incident, they may be perfectly pleasant...but I do know about toxic in-laws and if they can fall into that category even some of the time, I would strongly consider that you search hard for other options for child care that would free you from their grip.
yes, fortunately, they are very pleasant people, and I love and respect them a lot, but, I must agree, maybe I need to take a long, hard look at how my and my family's dependence on them is becoming a hindrance, in respect of me wanting to pursue other life goals......
Thank you for opening my eyes to the realities of my situation!! I will definitely have a long talk tonight with my husband on this issue.....
just wanted to give an update…my husband just landed a job!! it’s been a stressful 7.5 months, but thank God, it’s over!!
and, I’ve decided to go ahead with my better judgement with encouragement from everyone here, and continue to pursue my post-bacc and med school ambitions, in spite of my in-laws…it’s hard to listen to them gripe, but, I have such a supportive husband…he told me not to worry about them, and that he would take care of that issue for me…thank you all again!!
p.s. now I can afford to buy my chemistry books, yay!!