A doctor joke

Maybe you’ve heard too many of these and my memories a bit rusty, but at the risk of being banned, here goes:
A banker gets to heaven and meets St. Peter at the gates, and St. Peter points to the end of a line and says he’ll have to wait there. Then, a lawyer gets to heaven and meets St. Peter at the gates, St. Peter also points her to the end of line and also tells her to wait there. Just as St. Peter was finishing. A doctor with a stethoscope and white coat goes past the gates and St. Peter waves him by. The lawyer protests and asks, “Why did he get to go to heaven without standing in the line?” And St. Peter says, “Oh, that’s God. He thinks he’s a doctor.”

In reading this joke, you have to pretend that HIPAA doesn’t exist, okay?

A woman called a local hospital. “Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse.”

The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

“Sarah Finkel, room 302.”

“I’ll connect you with the nursing station.”

“3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?”

“I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.”

“Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”

The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic… that’s wonderful news!”

The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!”

“Neither! I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me sh!t!”