I am curious about how you seasoned OPMers balance your lives. Since you started as a premed, what have you had to leave out of your life? How did you manage to include your spouse/kids in the new phase of your life? What was so important that you still found time no matter what?
Honestly, there are no aspects of my life that I can simply omit or put on hold for the purpose of education. This is one of the things that makes this pursuit more challenging for a nontrad, esp if you have a family. Believe me, life does not go into a holding pattern for you. My wife & I have had to deal with a multitude of issues: her parents divorce, her father’s serious illness & subsequent death, my stepfather currently battling an extremely rare form of melanoma, debt/budgeting issues, buying & selling homes, birth of our own daughter, the dog being sick…the list goes on & on just as if you were not in school.
So, what is the ‘trick’? Well, first & foremost - there is not one, period. You must set your priorities & learn when to be flexible with them & when you must be rigid. You must master juggling multiple obligations successfully.
For me, I went into this with it firmly set that wife & child were #1 & med school #2. Sounds odd, but my wife is my soulmate and nothing is worth loosing her. And my daughter - that goes w/o saying. I would give my life to save her. So, that meant instead of the 95+% grades I was very capable of achieving in med school, I accepted 85%. Instead of chairing yet another committee for SGA or running for class officer, I choose to focus on 1 or 2 meaningful projects & OPM. Instead of studying every day, I set aside all Fridays, except those before exam blocks, as “date night” for Wendy & I.
It is all about balance & priorities. Of course, as an older person, these are skills that you have probably already developed & may not realize it. If you work, have kids, married and other extra-curricular obligations - then you already juggle & balance obligations. You will only need to adapt & hone this extent skill-set to a razor’s edge for medical school.
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Instead of studying every day, I set aside all Fridays, except those before exam blocks, as “date night” for Wendy & I.
Ok Dave, you’ve got my curiosity running about what did the typical “date night” in K’ville consist of seeing how this will be my home for the next two years. What are the “romantic” restaurants/places to take the wifey to get away?
Okay Dave, I appreciate your attitude about your family. That will be true for me too. My husband and kids are more important than anything else. But I will HAVE to spend less time with all of them to accomplish my goals (perhaps transition from SAHM to student is more marked than working fulltime to student fulltime??).
There are other things that I do that I like. I love to putter in my garden. I volunteer. Even as a very parttime student these things have shifted. Yes, my family stayed a priority. But I didn’t see some of my friends as often as I used to. I didn’t watch TV (Okay, I don’t think of that as a LOSS at all, just a change, but you see what I mean). Cooking meals for the family took a backseat, and we all ate less well as a result.
On the GAIN side, my husband stepped up to the plate and learned how to deal with four kids in his own inimitable fashion. The boys are learning (slowly) to be more independent, and this is a good thing.
The kids homework was… not as well supervised, they watched more tv than usual and sometimes they “forgot” to bathe and got away with it. Our standards shifted, especially around exam time when I would disappear.
No one has posted on this from the opposite perspective, so I’ll testify that both my brother and I are really grateful that my mom went back to school to get her bachelor’s and master’s (in nursing-- you see the apple is staying close to the tree!). She was in school off and on and working nonstop from ages 8-17 for me and ages 6-15 for my brother.
You guys haven’t really talked about what a good influence it is to see that your parents work hard for a goal. It’s bad news to grow up in a household where a parent hates his dead-end job and (this is the crucial part) doesn’t do anything to change it-- the child learns to settle for unhappy, unfulfilling situations and stew in his own juices.
As far as baths go, lizard, your mellow attitude on the small stuff is just the ticket to stay sane for the next few years. Why, I haven’t even had one today!
My hair is greasy, but my upbringing was squeaky clean.
Matt
Good to hear Matt! My girl is 9, 10 on Saturday and since she’s been 3-4 its been about improving self, first through fat loss, now chasing down this dream. So when she tells me she’s going to be an animation artist, a photographer, tour through Europe, and the return to live in New Zealand to explore - I believe her! 
I understand completely where you are coming from. I have been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My sons are now 6,3 and 1.
I just interviewed yesterday and got a job working as a nurse again on weekends and will go from part time to full time student in the fall. I am trying to increase the load in my life over a few months to make space for us all to adjust to our new patterns. My 2 youngest will be in childcare on campus in the fall and this has been a concern for me as well. I am just going to see how things flow and make adjustments accordingly.
I agree with Dave about the date nights for sure. In the midst of all the new additions to my life, space with my husband is a must. I also take one of my older children out every other week for a date. I hate to say it (it’s such a cliche’) but I am really focusing on organizing my time so we can have serious “quality” time since the quantity is changing.
It’s a complex switch from SAHM to full time student. So much guilt. So many adjustments. I really appreciated Matt’s post and the perspective that it brings. You know the saying right? If mama’s happy…everybody’s happy 
What could make us happier than being who we always knew ourselves to be?
Kate
Well, believe it or not, there are a couple of nicer restaurant options in & around K’ville. In K’ville, the nicest by far - Minn’s. In Macon, ~32 miles south, there is the GasLight Inn & in Bevier, just a little further, is the Pear Tree. All of them serve sort of a mixed/mid-western fare & all are quite good and very reasonably priced. If you’re more accustomed to big city prices, how does appetizer, drinks, dinner, dessert & tip - out the door @ circa $65 to 75! That is going extravegant (sp?) too!
Lizard,
There are no formulae or magic combinations to succeed at this - no one can provide your answers to you. You must discover them as part of this process. Due to time constraints, there are a number of things I gave up that meant a lot to me…have not “wet a fish hook” since I started med school. Yes, many things that used to consume large blocks of time, TV & sleep for example, got minimized or eliminated. The further into this game you go, the more you learn what is truly important and then you budget your time accordingly. Will you have to give up some thing? Yes, absolutely…but which ones you surrender are your choice and those choices will be dictated by the priorities that you set.
Matt,
I like your observation about a parent working hard to achieve their dreams inspiring their children. Unfortunately, my daughter was not alive for most of it. I will simply have to figure out other ways to convey these admirable traits to her.
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You guys haven’t really talked about what a good influence it is to see that your parents work hard for a goal. It’s bad news to grow up in a household where a parent hates his dead-end job and (this is the crucial part) doesn’t do anything to change it-- the child learns to settle for unhappy, unfulfilling situations and stew in his own juices.
A-MEN!!! Preach it, brother! It sounds like, despite your mother’s example, you know what this is like too… was your dad that way?
You described my background to a T. My dad felt like he got “stuck” in a career he didn’t like, yet never did anything about it other than complain about what he didn’t have. Not only did he indirectly influence me with his attitude, but he also directly, verbally encouraged me to choose a career solely on the basis of demand in the field, ease of work, pay, and benefits, and directly, verbally DIScouraged me from pursuing my dreams and aspirations. He didn’t think it was possible to be content in any job, so he thought the best one could do was to sock away for early retirement.
I desperately want to reverse the trend with my own kids and set a good example. I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t part of my motivation to pursue medicine. I know that some people around here will say that’s unhealthy, but I think it’s a good thing.
I don’t think its unhealthy at all. My parents fit that model of not happy or no dream they are chasing work-wise, settled for jobs and have gone on about retirement since I can remember. Any college advice was linked to ONLY its retirment potential etc. This is fine for it to be a component one considers in life, I am a realist, but at some point you gotta leap.
My dad is about 1 month from this realization and I worry. Now that he’s gotten out of the JOB and realized a life dream THEN WHAT? If he could not see enough fire & light & faith & hope to make a change THEN what is a retirement of not JOB going to do for him.
Not one parent alive does it perfect but I’ll be darned if my failings will be that I did not try hard enough or that I settled or something else along those lines. Tis a thousand times better to ‘go down swinging’ IMHO.
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You guys haven’t really talked about what a good influence it is to see that your parents work hard for a goal. It’s bad news to grow up in a household where a parent hates his dead-end job and (this is the crucial part) doesn’t do anything to change it-- the child learns to settle for unhappy, unfulfilling situations and stew in his own juices.
Matt
This totally fit the household that I grew up in as well. Both parents never went to college…why?..well…cause their parents didn’t either. Both hated their jobs. My mother’s job drove her to a nervous breakdown in which she had to be admitted to a center that deals with these types of problems. My dad’s job was and still is hard labor in 100+ degree heat and he’s almost been killed twice (electrocuted and object falling on him). Why didn’t they work on doing something they dreamed of doing or would like to do? These are the questions that I refuse to have to own up to when I’m old and grey and looking back on life. I’m so glad I broke away from that misery and have had several lucky breaks in life to get me where I am today…on the way to fulfilling my dream! Best of luck to all of us.
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My dad is about 1 month from this realization and I worry. Now that he’s gotten out of the JOB and realized a life dream THEN WHAT? If he could not see enough fire & light & faith & hope to make a change THEN what is a retirement of not JOB going to do for him.
I know what you mean. I used to lust after early retirement (or winning the lottery); in college I used to joke that I wanted to go straight from college to retirement, skipping that whole messy “work” thing. Now, if I had the opportunity to be independently wealthy and cashed in on it, I realize I’d probably be miserable. I’d rather not be able to retire from medicine until age 70+, but be able to look back and feel like I’d done something worthwhile, than retire from my current Dilbert job in my early 50’s and attempt to enjoy 30 years of golf and gardening while being nagged by a feeling in the back of my mind that I’d wasted my life.
Tris–
Would you seriously turn down the opportunity to be independently wealthy? It’s not like you couldn’t STILL go to med school in that situation. If I won the lottery, believe me, I’d be jumping for joy. I’m not sure that full time golfing is really a waste of a life, but even if it is, there are other ways to spend that money. If it were me, I’d pay off my student loans, and immediately get a faster internet connection. That is only the beginning.
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Tris–
Would you seriously turn down the opportunity to be independently wealthy? It’s not like you couldn’t STILL go to med school in that situation. If I won the lottery, believe me, I’d be jumping for joy. I’m not sure that full time golfing is really a waste of a life, but even if it is, there are other ways to spend that money. If it were me, I’d pay off my student loans, and immediately get a faster internet connection. That is only the beginning.
Ha ha… when I read your post I thought, “where did I say I’d turn down the opportunity to be independently wealthy?” You’re right, I probably would still take the money. By “cash in on it,” I meant not only accepting the lottery winnings, inheritance, or whatever it was, but actually attempting to use it to spend the rest of my life as a member of the idle rich. Being independently wealthy would definitely make becoming a doctor much easier: I could do a post-bacc full time without worrying about living expenses, go to med school debt-free, and comfortably support a family through it all–my wife could even stay home with the kids while I was a full-time student!
It’s that life as a member of the idle rich that I used to think desireable but now, I think, would leave me feeling empty.
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It’s that life as a member of the idle rich that I used to think desireable but now, I think, would leave me feeling empty.
Not me. I didn’t tell you what I’d do after paying off my loans, did I? I’d move directly to Monaco and order a mountain of caviar. I don’t think I’d be thinking about school either. School is something I can manage to forget over Thanksgiving break, let alone as a member of the idle rich…