Lately, I’ve just been feeling more depressed about the prospects of a career in … well…any field right now. I have three small children (and one on the way) and I never really anticipated how much work it would be…and how much I would want to spend time with my children. I feel really torn, because the idea to me of being gone for q3 call is…pretty rough. I want to be there after school when they get home right now…I want to be an integral part of their lives. At the same time, I also desperately want a career…I know…the two just don’t mesh.
I’ve considered myself a pre-med for years…but I actually lowered my gpa when I went back to school after I had my first two children. My husband was an intern in IM and we didn’t have money for me to use childcare other than for the hour or so that I was in class. I did all of my studying while the kids napped or at the McDonald’s play area…I did my best and learned a lot…but my performance was less than stellar at times. I went on to grad school and got my MS in mol bio and really turned things around earning a gpa of over 3.7…I know it doesn’t compensate for my errors post-bacc…but it is something. I have also taken a couple of ugrad classes since graduating and now that my children are older, there is a definite upward trend.
But I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere…I’m not at a point in my life where I’m ready to declare myself a die-hard pre-med and just go for it…and send the kids to full-time daycare like many of the pre-med moms that I know. So…they don’t really take me seriously…and they are (I think anyway) offended by my attitude that these years are precious and I want to enjoy them. I don’t know…I’m 32…Med School can wait until I’m 40…(just think of the time that I have to prepare for the MCAT 
) and I just don’t want to miss out.
I just don’t know where I fit in anymore…I don’t feel taken seriously anywhere I go because my children are a higher priority right now…and it bothers me. Often, my posts go unanswered wherever I happen to post in a pre-med forum…But just because I have children and am choosing to spend most of my time at home right now with them doesn’t mean that I am not serious about fulfilling my own dreams…I am just working towards them more slowly.
Is there anyone else out there who is going through similar feelings?
kris
Hey Kris,
I can't say I similar feelings since I don't have kids but I do believe that wanting to be there for your kids is an awesome thing. If wanting to be there for your kids after school and on the weekends (and any time for that matter ) is where your heart is, I really think that is what you should be doing. There will be time to go to med school and be a physician when you become ready. I don't think that going to school or being a physician and having kids have to be mutually exclusive but there are necesarily some sacrifices to be made in doing it. I bet that the kids can handle a lot of things fine but the sacrifice is maybe more significant for the parent. I know that Nat has given examples of her attendings calling home to speak with the kids before the childs bed time. My geuss is that the kids may be happy just talking with their mom or dad, but at least in your case I think that talking on the phone might not be completely acceptable when you could actually be there. So, don't worry about it. Do what makes you happy until you decide that you need to do something else. Good Luck!!!
Kris,
I am right there with you on how you feel. You are a bit further along with school than I am, but the wanting to be there to see your kids grow up…I understand. I am 31, have 2 kids (ages 7 & 9), and just recently divorced. I still don't have a bachelor's degree and working towards that slowly. I started back to school two years ago, and started back very slow…first semester back I only took one class. Anyway, now that I am divorced I have put goals of med school on hold for quite some time. I am now an EMT, and working towards becoming a paramedic and then on to nursing. This is my way of still getting into the med field and getting to get my hands in it all. Plus it will be a way of making a living for me and my girls, and I will be able to be around for them.
You are absolutley right about how these are the precious years of your children. Don't let these other women make you feel any less for thinking this way. As we have seen on here, it doesn't matter your age when entering med school…bascially med school will always be there. Your kids on the other hand will only be the age they are right now. I know, not knowing which way to turn is heartbreaking…you want to be a doctor, but at the same time you want to be with your children, and there is no easy way around it. Take some time to make your decision, don't put pressure on yourself to decide right now.
I don't know if what I have said has helped you any, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, you are not the only mom out there trying to figure out which path to go down, and you are not the only one to put med school on the back burner if you do decide that route. If anytime you want to talk, feel free to e-mail me anytime.
Take Care…
I agree as well. Nothing replaces being a mother to your children. It is possible for you to be both a mother and have a career, but it doesn’t have to be simultaneously!
I’m applying to med school this year, but I also sent my twins to Kindergarten this year and my daughter to 3rd grade! I’ve waited, taken classes here and there and sometimes quit, only to return again, for 7 years!
It doesn’t have to be straight and narrow, sometimes your priorities mean you need to take the “road less traveled,” as are all of us here.
Hang in there!
Theresa
PS- I know what you mean about those other forums, sometimes I feel like SDN is only for smartmouthed kids! 
Then again, I do go there for laughs. There are some seriously witty posters. And other forums tend to the negative, “poor me” thing. Only OPM seems to have well-balanced, sound advice, optimism and good listeners. 
I don’t know but I do not get that “nobody cares feeling” when I post on other boards (SDN) that are used by more traditional students. Kris, I think that you may be reading too much into it, sometimes there is really nothing to say or post because nobody my be able to relate to your specific case or question. Regardless, if you want to stay home then do so, and to the heck what others may think. If you are not ready to apply to med school now at the young age of 32 then do it later. There is for sure no rush, Mary got in at 50. I am now 37 applying this year, my kids are older (13 and 10) and I am happy that I spent those early years with them.
I don't have kids so I am not sure how much help this will be but I do know what it feels like to think no one understands. My office has been helpful in that I have been given a revised schedule for my classes but they aren't supportive beyond that and doing both is hard for me.
It will get better. And you always have us to lean on or ask for support (or anything else).
Kris,
I can totally sympathize. It all comes down to figuring out what your priorities are. I just recently started back to school…(a year ago) taking 6-7 hours per semester and working full time. I have 2 kids, ages 3, and 5. I’ve worked their entire childhoods so far. I’ve regretted it. The priority up until not that long ago was having a house and having cars and being comfortable. In the meantime, I think all of us suffered. Now my oldest is almost done with Kindergarten, and my youngest has 1 year left of preschool before he goes to kindergarten. And while I know my limitations, and that it’s probably best, in some ways, that I wasn’t their only influence during their babyhoods…I still regret it…
As far as school goes. I think going back to school, for me, has probably been the only “right” thing I’ve done in years. It feels right to me…even with stupid professors…and the only regret I have now is that I’m missing everything, and doing injustice to my friends, family, and schooling by working. I am scheduled to go back full time to school in the fall, MWF classes, and will hopefully quit working entirely, or maybe take on a few contract hours. My youngest will only attend pre-school a couple of days a week, instead of 5 days a week…and my oldest will no longer go to the afterschool program at his gradeschool. I think that this will be of benefit to everyone in my family…as it will allow me to spend more time with my DH and my kids.
Figure out what your path is and then take it. No one can make those decisions for you…and no one can criticize you for making the decisions you make. Only you can do those things. If your heart is with your kids right now, then the rest can wait. If you want both, you’ll figure out a way to make it work, and everyone will most likely benefit.
Please don’t feel like you’ve been ignored or chastised by any of us…believe me, I think a lot of us know where you’re coming from entirely all too well.
hugs!
Andrea
Thank you all for your responses…and NO I don’t feel ignored here…this is one of the only places that I feel that I can come to and meet other people going through the same thing.
I think that the whole not-fitting-in thing is also very much related to the fact that I’m also teaching right now and most of the students are 19-20 years old…pre-meds at the beginning of this journey or moms and dads who have returned full-time.
I honestly feel torn…there is a big part of me that often feels like I’m going to wait so long that…eventually my window of opportunity will close. I’m really afraid of not ever having a career period…let alone getting into medical school…
Thanks again for letting me bend your ear…I knew I could count on everyone here to make me feel better 
kris
Okay I’m not touchy about my age but I just have to correct one teeny little thing 
: it’s Linda who’s gotten in at age 50 (actually Linda aren’t you legally 51?)… I’ll be a PGY-2 when I’m 50. Honestly it’s a minor difference but just the same I have to set the record straight!
Kris, I think your problem is that despite your emotional commitment to being available for your kids, you aren’t intellectually convinced that it is valuable work. You have internalized the current standard which is that professions worth pursuing are those that come with a paycheck. Even if your heart tells you that being a mom is worthwhile, another part of you is not giving yourself much credit. (that’s why you don’t feel respected in some of your messages)
I don’t have an answer. All I can tell you is that so far, after two years of post-bacc coursework, one year of applying and waiting, and three years of medical school, I have never, never, never, never regretted that I started the whole process when my youngest was in 6th grade. NEVER. Not once.
When I was a SAH mom during my kids’ youngest days, and when I was working when they were younger school-age kids, did I wonder if I was ever going to amount to anything? Yup. Did I often find myself coming up short when I compared myselves to other people of the same age, or with kids but managing to accomplish way more. Yup again.
But now looking back, I am more happy and satisfied than ever that I had that time. I really do believe it helped me as well as my kids. Dunno if this helps, but that’s my .02.
Sorry Mary, he he
Actually, Mary (and Judy), I'm 52. Unless you count my unbirthdays that I started after my 50th birthday. If you do, then now I'm only 48!
As to your age when you begin. If you feel it is important that you stay at home now, then do so. You are still young in the overall picture of things, and you will have plenty of time as your children mature to go forward with your plans. Then again, if you feel you can still be a good mom and share quality time with your kids even if you are back in school, then consider the impact it would have on your children as they grow up to know that you worked so hard to attain your dream.
Consider the advice by Andrea, Judy, and Mary. Then look deep inside yourself, look at the pros and cons of both plans and and decide which path is best for you. That is one decision you have to make for yourself.
Thank you so much for your posts…Mary, a lot of things that you said did indeed hit home. I struggle a great deal to find that elusive 'balance' between being the mom that I want to be right now and taking care of my own intellectual and emotional needs. I feel very torn and there are many days that I sit at home and feel resentful and lonely…yet at times when I have worked (and when I finished my MS) I have felt guilty and have missed the children.
There has to be a way to strike a balance within myself…and with society as a whole. I feel frustrated on many levels with the way that things can be for women with children. Academia is still run by men…and these guys were lucky enough to have wives at home to take care of everything while they devoted their lives to their careers. Attitudes at that level still prevail. I have looked into a variety of professional programs for myself including PhD psych programs, PsyD programs and PhD programs in the biological sciences. Not one program that I have spoken with will offer a part-time course of study for any length of time…it is all-or-nothing. I feel that I could become just as proficient as a full-time student over a longer period of time if given the opportunity…
I don't know…I'm sorry for the ramble…I'm just going through a variety of conflicting feelings right now.
For now, I am going to find a way to make things work for myself being at home most of the time…I'll keep teaching and taking courses when I can afford them…
Thanks for understanding and for offering your support. Congrats on med school…you're already and MS-3? Wow…time flies~!
kris
Like Kris, I can certainily understand feeling “out of place” as a Mom (I’m a 36 year old divorced mother of 1). However, I think if you survey working Moms of young children in almost every profession, you’d find that they all have periods of time where they really miss their children especially if they use day-care for long periods of time.
I personally think it’s ridiculous for women to be made to feel guilty because they work. I’ve never had the desire to stay at home and very well could have since I married an engineer. Why must women always have to choose between a career and being a Mom?
I think the key to navigating the process of feeling good about being a mother while pursuing your dreams is to surround yourself with mentors who represent what you believe you want in a career: My mentor is a black woman with an MD/PhD from UPENN. She has 4 children, a husband, and is a Urologist. She seems to have balanced just fine the rigors of motherhood, clinical duties, and research repsonsibilities. When she was in school, she did live around family memebers whom helped her husband with the children which means that although they were not in daycare, they were still in the care of someone other than her. And did I mention that she began this process from the undergarduate level with the 4 children and a husband?
As for the comments about SDN, I happen to regularily post on SDN (as Pathdr2b). I find the MD/PhD and pathology resident threads very useful although I have been “flamed” enough to know that there’s quite a bit of immaturity around as well. The section for spouses and signaficant others is also another good one and I would highly recommend this thread to the nontrad student.
| QUOTE (Kris @ Apr 6 2003, 09:30 PM) |
| Lately, I've just been feeling more depressed about the prospects of a career in .... well...any field right now. I have three small children (and one on the way) and I never really anticipated how much work it would be...and how much I would want to spend time with my children. I feel really torn, because the idea to me of being gone for q3 call is...pretty rough. I want to be there after school when they get home right now...I want to be an integral part of their lives. At the same time, I also desperately want a career...I know...the two just don't mesh. I've considered myself a pre-med for years....but I actually lowered my gpa when I went back to school after I had my first two children. My husband was an intern in IM and we didn't have money for me to use childcare other than for the hour or so that I was in class. I did all of my studying while the kids napped or at the McDonald's play area...I did my best and learned a lot...but my performance was less than stellar at times. I went on to grad school and got my MS in mol bio and really turned things around earning a gpa of over 3.7....I know it doesn't compensate for my errors post-bacc...but it is something. I have also taken a couple of ugrad classes since graduating and now that my children are older, there is a definite upward trend. But I don't feel like I fit in anywhere...I'm not at a point in my life where I'm ready to declare myself a die-hard pre-med and just go for it...and send the kids to full-time daycare like many of the pre-med moms that I know. So...they don't really take me seriously...and they are (I think anyway) offended by my attitude that these years are precious and I want to enjoy them. I don't know...I'm 32....Med School can wait until I'm 40...(just think of the time that I have to prepare for the MCAT ) and I just don't want to miss out. I just don't know where I fit in anymore...I don't feel taken seriously anywhere I go because my children are a higher priority right now....and it bothers me. Often, my posts go unanswered wherever I happen to post in a pre-med forum....But just because I have children and am choosing to spend most of my time at home right now with them doesn't mean that I am not serious about fulfilling my own dreams....I am just working towards them more slowly. Is there anyone else out there who is going through similar feelings? kris |
Hey Kris,
You fit in just fine over here at OPM. We are a diverse bunch with as many routes to medical school or what-ever as you will find folks. You have three small children who love you and will continue to love you no matter what your GPA. That is no small feat but a great accomplishment. You managed to earn a Masters in Molecular Biology, which is far from "basket weaving" while studying at McDonalds. Again, you have great material for a "kick-a--" personal statement for your medical school application.
Hang in there and hang out here so you can " feel the love". The SNDers are caught up on one thing or another as the wind blows. I am coming up on birthday #51 next month and looking forward to it. Last Wednesday evening, I was on the grounds of the VA Hospital in Salem, Va, playing frisbee with my medical students and my chief resident. I had never thrown a frisbee before but the guys were so sweet and I got the hang of it. I made a couple of good catches. My chief resident is 33-years-old and my medical students were all in their 20s. I got out there and I ran around with them for a few hours after being "on call" the night before and getting up at 0200h to work on a patient who was sick. It was like playing with my puppies! I had a ball.
You never know where you are going to find yourself so don't worry so much about fitting in but concentrate on enjoying where you are and how far you have come. You are always further than you think so give your self a little pat on the back and keep plugging away. You have come so far and you have lots to show for it.
Natalie
Kris,
Well, when I saw the title of this post, I thought, yeah, all the time I feel like I don't fit in! However, I don't fit in for nearly the opposite reasons you feel.
I turn 42 next week and will start a surgery residency in 2 months. (Started med school at 38…so see, you've got plenty of time!)
So why do I feel like I don't fit in? Cuz I'm an older student with no family! Seriously, anyone in my class who is anywhere close to my age is married and/or has kids (many added to the kid collection during med school). The 20 somethings don't want to hang out with a 40 year old. The family types don't want a 3rd wheel along during their valuable free time (can't blame them, either). Heck, I haven't even had a date since well before I started med school. (I do get hit on by an occaisonal drunk pateint who is under arrest, though!) And at my age, the prospects of ever having a family are slim to none. Adoption is far to expensive for me to even consider til I finish residency. While I have enjoyed the intellectual aspect of med school, and lack of family made it easy to study (probably study too much), socially, med school has been the worst experience for me since high school. And I admit that I often lacked a healthy balance. If I slow down too much, I get too depressed about my situation and start to think of myself as a pathetic loser. I certainly don't regret going to med school, and I'm very much looking foward to the next step. But I think we all have things about our lives we wish turned out differently.
You have something far more important than anything any career will give you, and I envy you for that.
There is nothing like the whole pre-med, med school and residency process to take a bunch of highly intelligent, capable and caring people and make them feel inadequate!
You must do what you feel is right for your and your family. Don't let others dissuade you.
Kris-
I haven’t gone to med school, am not married, and don’t have kids… but I do value my time with my boyfriend/fiancee (we are too poor to be “truly” engaged)
but I think about time with family and want kids. There are lots of options so don’t give up!
If you are worried about the time commitment to medical training you can do med school in 5 years, or take a year off between years 2 and 3. in residency, you can try for a part-time or shared residency
and in practice you can practice part-time or contract to a hospital.
there are always options to accomodate the life you need to be happy. they may be longer time spans or pay less, but they still are viable options.
Thanks for all of the encouraging posts. I feel like I'm giong through a transitional period in my life where I am coming to terms with the idea of not speeding on ahead…I need to take some time and sort out where I'm at and where I want to go and become ok with the idea that I will be putting off my career for right now. It is very nice to read the stories of other men and women who have waited for one reason or the other to choose medicine. I don't know what the future holds for us now, but I do feel much more at peace with the idea of taking a break and letting life happen for awhile.
Thanks for all of your insight.
kris
It’s interesting to read the ‘old-age’ comments, and thoughts about family, where do I fit in, etc. I am 42 and today went to talk to someone about doing an AmeriCorps Healthcorps project at a local hospital. Most of the time people think I am in my 30’s somewhere, thanks to years of sunblock 45+ and being out of the sun. Ok, well the coordinator was great on the phone when I asked about ‘older’ applicants (“we love 'em!”), but today when I showed up she basically ditched me.
So instead I sat down and spent about an hour talking to the really YOUNG AmeriCorps kids who were wonderful to me. Well, they treated me like a peer and said such wonderful things about how much they admired people who gave up so much in their lives to go back to school for medicine, etc. Great people! I was very concerned about the coordinator’s response to me (ok, I used to work in investment banking, etc and maybe still look like a banker) and while I really don’t know why she was so unfriendly I was feeling that since ALL the other people were first year out of school then maybe that was the reason. I would like to think that age-ism doesn’t exist but there it was. I wanted to do the work, and felt frustrated that she had made that decision for me. Predjudice is really crummy …
So in response to the previous poster, I came home and felt like a big loser, no job, no placement in the healthclinic, no family (yet!) and a big stack of medical school applications, forms, etc. Ugh, it was painful.
I have noticed as well that there is a really big preference for really younger people to work in labs, research studies etc. So, in answer to the original poster, technically people do get into medical schools at older ages, but there is really a very definitely bias towards the very young in many areas. I wouldn’t have said that except that I have spent the last eight months seeing it all around me. I feel like I have become invisible in the job market, despite great experience, while people with NO experience (new grads) get jobs that I am applying for. It is very upsetting to me, to be honest. Especially since not too long ago, I was the one being chosen over other candidates …
I’m sorry to be such a downer but I am just giving my experiences. I know not everyone will like me and it’s up to me to search out those people (and schools) that do. Still, I think a part of me wants everyone to like me … 
Kris, Have you ever thought about Psy, I mean the residency is not bad and and most jobs set there own hours. Just a thought, Big Bill
Bill,
Do you mean psychiatry or psychology? I’ve actually considered both. Because my ugrad degree initially was a double major (Psych and German) and my ugrad psych gpa was a 3.9 I really have given serious thought to that option as well. It would also give me the opportunity to help people…I’m not sure what direction my life will take me in…both psychiatry and psychology are valid options…thanks for the insight…I’m going to have to start thinking all of this through again.
I have also seriously considered family practice for a couple of reasons…the major one being that the hospital that my husband works for has a family practice residency and the residency director basically told me “let me know when you want to start” …ummm…geee…let’s see…there would be the little hurdle of getting into med school and actually going to medical school first The other reason is that I think it woud be awesome to do rural health care. About 30-45 minutes from where we live they are desperate for rural fp physicians…I think it would be a neat way to contribute.
kris