husband is struggling already, what's to come?

Hey all, I am a 24 yr old, married 4 yrs with a lovely 3 yr old son. I am currently working as an RN while I finish up my premed preqrequisites and plan on entering med school in Fall 2009.


Problem is, my husband is not quite thrilled. He and I met and married at a young age, and at a (very breif) point in my life when my focus was off medicine. Thought I’d be happy being a nurse, and I am, but I NEED to go to med school to be fulfilled. DH does not understand this, calls me a professional student and moans and groans about how our financial situation will suffer and he’ll “never see me.” He is the very needy sort, having had a good year of me playing Suzy Homemaker before I really decided what I needed to do with my life. He gets very angry and upset when I have to study, seeing it as purely a “choice.” I’ll be honest, sometimes I take pity and try to coax him out of his funky moods, and I feel that my grades suffer as a result. Recently (mind you it is finals) he has started to drink quite a bit because “he’s bored and lonely while I’m studying or at work.”


This is really starting to take its toll: I’m a new grad RN, so I have my share of journal-reading to do to get where I need to be in my practice, on top of studying. I work full-time and go to school for 5-6 credits/ semester. I feel that this would be very manageable for many people, but it’s a struggle for me largely because of his behavior. He always goes on and on about how it’s only going to get worse in med school and residency.


And I know he’s right.


I can handle it, I want it badly enough, I know that… but can he? Can we? More importantly, can I handle HIM?


Rhetorical questions, just needed to vent a bit. I’d love to hear anyone else’s take on this situation!

Or maybe you could consider, how is HE supposed to cope with YOU?


You don’t indicate whether he’s been involved in your decision-making process about this decision that affects ALL OF YOU. It’s not like your studying and long hours only affect you: he and your child are also committed to this journey, at least for the present, but it doesn’t sound like he wanted to be. Right now it sounds like he’s being dragged along by your force of will, and that is not a good setup for the future.


How much does his happiness mean to you? How much does your life together as a family mean to you? Is it necessary for you to go full speed ahead with your plans? Why? Why now?


I don’t mean to be harsh but your post disturbs me because you present a man who is in serious trouble, a marriage that doesn’t sound very solid, and the concerns you stress are about YOU and your career. Please think about this. Your marriage commitment is a serious one, especially since you have a child, and quite frankly I think your priority now needs to be to figure out how to get your relationship on solid ground simply because that’s the right thing to do, NOT because it will help with your career goals.


I wish your husband and you the best and hope that you’ll be able to work this out.


Mary

You guys have some big problems that have nothing to do with medical school. I did some therapy when I was your age and it really helped me sort out my ambitions AND insecurities, which is where most anger and resentment come from. I think you would both benefit from talking to somebody. Good news: ANY kind of bad habit (even drinking) can be unlearned if a couple is really dedicated to each other and the success of their union. Like she said, I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

Matt & Mary make some very salient points here - and I think you should take heed. When we were all young & single, then the decisions pertaining to this journey could all be about ME. However, you have also made serious commitments to your husband &, even more critically, to your child. Make no mistake about it, this process is phenomenally tough & will place massive strain on even a very solid relationship. If your ducks not in a row AND you do not diligently keep them in line thoughout this process, it can & will destroy the relationship. There is a reason that medicine is infamous for causing/promoting divorces, alcoholism & substance abuse. It is a tough row to hoe and you are already struggling and have barely begun the journey.


Yes, your husband does not appear to be very supportive, but have you truly tried to invest him in the process? Like Mary said, from your desciption, he sounds like an unwilling bystander. Before you judge him & his actions, try walking in his shoes. How would you feel if he were doing what you are doing & the way you are going about doing it?


He is absolutely correct in that medical education & training will profoundly affect your finances, quantity & quality of time. It will test to the nth the degree the very foundation of your relationships. It will test YOUR metal more than you can know.


By no means am I telling you that you should surrender your dream. But, you must acknowledge that now that you have other people to whom you have made high-level commitments, that it is no longer just about you & your decisions. It must be a team effect. A team decision. And, all players must be invested - not made to FEEL invested - but legitimately invested in the entire process.


As a married person with children, during the course of your education & training, to sustain those criticall important non-medical elements or your life (wife-hood & mother-hood), there will be times when you will have to sacrifice academic performance. Your will not be able to prioritize the same way someone without spouse & children can. Believe me, that is still a factor for me. No, I cannot & do not speak fluent “journal” nor can I cite studies chapter & verse like some of my collegues can & my staff docs sometimes expect. But, I can tell you that I have excellent hands, take damned good care of my patients AND I have a wonderful & strong marriage & a fantastic relationship with my daughters. Furthemore, I wouldn’t change the balance I have struck towards the medical/academia. If anything, I would tend to move more towards my family.


So, take some time to really thing through what you are doing & how you are doing it. Believe me, all of the fancy degrees, money & prestige are not worth a hill of shit if you to the end and are standing there all alone having lost the ones you loved because you were too driven to take them time to nurture those invaluable relationships.

It does sound like you guys have some issues to work out. Dave and Mary are right that there seem to be some communication and consideration problems. It also sounds to me like there are some underlying issues for your husband that you started to touch on a little.


Certainly, I don’t think that you’re a terrible person for wating to pursue your dreams . Quite the contrary, more power to ya! None of us would be here at OPM if we weren’t motivated by the same desires, and at least a little concerned about the path to get there. It sounds like you have a few hurdles on yours - nothing insurmountable, just problems to be addressed.


Good luck with it! Please keep us updated.

  • epsilonprodigy Said:
Hey all, I am a 24 yr old, married 4 yrs with a lovely 3 yr old son. I am currently working as an RN while I finish up my premed preqrequisites and plan on entering med school in Fall 2009.

Problem is, my husband is not quite thrilled. He and I met and married at a young age, and at a (very breif) point in my life when my focus was off medicine. Thought I'd be happy being a nurse, and I am, but I NEED to go to med school to be fulfilled.

I understand this, you have to be very sure of this need though
  • In reply to:
DH does not understand this, calls me a professional student and moans and groans about how our financial situation will suffer and he'll "never see me." He is the very needy sort,

So if you are not happy and do you di not do this then would you live for the next 10 years with him only to want to leave him in the end for not being able to do what you love? This is important and people divorce for less.
  • In reply to:
he has started to drink quite a bit because "he's bored and lonely while I'm studying or at work."

This is not a good sign at all, sorry but its my opinion.

  • In reply to:
I feel that this would be very manageable for many people, but it's a struggle for me largely because of his behavior. He always goes on and on about how it's only going to get worse in med school and residency.

And I know he's right.

Look All I want to say is this whole post seems to be about your husband, how about you? I love my wife and I want the best for her, if she decided she needed to go to Art school tomorrow to be fulfilled then we would figure out a way for her to do it, I do not tell her what do with her life because, when I married her it was to share our life, married couples share the wealth (We are so poor now LOL) and share the problems ( medical school LOL)

Seriously Medical school is hard and you cannot work while in medical school. My family is number one but when on call or I'm needed in Clinicals I have to be there unless my kids or wife needs me urgently. So I miss some things but not everything.

SO my thoughts on this is like this:

What will make you happy in your life? What is important? It's not wrong to want to become something and accomplish something that gives you joy. So you have have to know this, will going to medical school do this? If you do not go will this be a haunting obsession ( I would not want to be married to someone I kept them from what they dream to do! I would want to help them achieve the dream, if not they may be bitter and its just not right IMO)

Know if you pursue Medicine then you run the risk of loosing your Husband it seems, I think its wrong (as you can tell) but marriages break up for less. So think about this.

Maybe if its this important then counseling is in order for both of you? A neutral person can maybe find a way to help both of you commit to this or not commit?

good luck

You have big issues… it can be done but it seems you are a LONG way off from having both. When you were dating, did you remember to ask about or negotiate the means to “change” (stuff that is uncomfortable)? Despite our cultural norms, I view unions up to 10 YEARS as “newly wed”.


I agree with those above who advise some therapy.