…plus I have learned how to physically kick myself in the butt really hard. Ok I need to vent a little. Just curious if anyone can relate. I have been an RN for 6 years, have been planning on do pre-med for 15 years…decided to major in biochem since I need a Bachelors. Well over the past 4 years I have signed up for classes, went to them for a day or two then dropped them. Before class would start I would be totally excited about starting my pre-med stuff and I would enjoy being in class. Then I would what seems like ‘change my mind’ and decide that I should just calm my life down and have a family. Only a few weeks later would the ‘pre-med thing’ start up in my mind again and I couldn’t imagine doing anything other than be a physician. Then the cycle would repeat itself the next semester. I am 30 now, divorced twice, no kids, and I finally felt I had my life under control and on a good path mentally and physically so I signed up for one biology class at a Community college(I wanted to pay out of pocket for a semester or two then transfer). Well, the day before class started I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months but I still felt ready to focus on class. Yesterday I dropped the class. I felt like this was the end. I just can’t make up my mind and I do not quite understand it. I do hope to get married again someday and maybe have kids. Now tonight I am thinking about pre-med again. I swear I am going to beat my head on the wall. I think my apprehension may be several things including getting married, maybe have kids, spending enough time with family…blah blah blah. I am soooooo annoyed with myself right now that I do not know what to do. Just wondering if anyone else had this kind of apprehension and just couldn’t ‘get started’ with their pre-med stuff. Oh yeah and it doesn’t help that my parents are not supportive at all and that my brother is engaged and leading a ‘normal life’ according to them. Yeah well I’m not normal…9 out of 10 psychiatrists agree with that(the other one I paid off). AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH! from Minnesota.
I am obviously no expert, but it sounds to me like you have some deep seated fears of failing (or maybe succeeding). The whole med school thing sounds like what you want to do until you actually start doing something toward it, and then the fear pushes you into panic mode.
You mentioned psychiatrists - I don’t know if you were serious or joking about having consulted them, but I think you should find a psychologist/psychiatrist and find out why you keep dropping out of classes after you’ve gone as far to enroll. I think, that if you actually manage to make it through one class, you will become either determined to continue or decide that this is not for you.
As to being normal/crazy… Many if not most of us here have had people tell us that they think we are crazy for giving up nice, secure jobs and etc. for the unknown of trying to get into medical school. Obviously, it is extremely helpful if family/friends are supportive, but there are those who are doing it without that support.
Good luck - I hope you can get to the root of your fear and get started on your path.
Sincerely,
Amy
Oh I was serious about the psychiatrists. Short form…schizoaffective disorder with bipolar type II and chronic anxiety for 30 years(I’m 30 years old), been treated for 15 years, on multiple meds…doing very well. I have always had the support of my psychiatrists, therapists, social workers, who have known me for long periods of time to go forward with my pursuit of medicine…it is I who hold me back. Yes, I have figured it is an intense fear of “oh my God my grades are going to count now” plus being out of school and in nursing for 6 years. I will be exploring it as much as I can with my therapist in the weeks to come, as that is a good idea, maybe I am missing something. Anyway, thanks for the response I appreciate it.
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Oh I was serious about the psychiatrists. Short form…schizoaffective disorder with bipolar type II and chronic anxiety for 30 years(I’m 30 years old), been treated for 15 years, on multiple meds…doing very well. I have always had the support of my psychiatrists, therapists, social workers, who have known me for long periods of time to go forward with my pursuit of medicine…it is I who hold me back. Yes, I have figured it is an intense fear of “oh my God my grades are going to count now” plus being out of school and in nursing for 6 years. I will be exploring it as much as I can with my therapist in the weeks to come, as that is a good idea, maybe I am missing something. Anyway, thanks for the response I appreciate it.
Why don’t you try to audit a class first?? I did that a few years ago, and now I’m where I’ve always wanted to be!
I am no psychiatrist, but having worked and volunteered alongside premeds for so long (well before I decided to become a premed myself) and seen their tribulations and vacillations on premed-hood, I do not think you are crazy. Many premeds have reservations about their chosen path, often pondering whether all the sacrifice will be worth all their effort. Some questions to ask yourself:
Do you feel that being an MD/DO will give you more satisfaction than what you are doing now? I would think hard about what aspects of being an MD/DO are attractive to you, i.e. why be a doctor? What are your motivations? This is no time to kid yourself; you need brutal honesty with your true motivations and aspirations. Is it simply the idea of going back to school that is inhibiting you? Are you, perhaps afraid of the looming difficulties of these coursework? OR of being a student again? Or all the other things happening in your life, your relationships, your family, your job? It is not difficult to let outside responsibilities – the responsibilities of living – interrupt and distract us from taking the steps we need to achieve the peace of mind that we are progressing toward our highest aspirations and goals.
The fact that you are an RN has obviously given you first-hand exposure on what one aspect of health care is like. But if you are serious about going to medical school you need to prioritize your efforts. Some “future thought exercises” that helped me to stop procrastinating were the following two exercises:
1: Project yourself into a mythical-yet-possible future and imagine that you are a senior citizen sitting on the porch of your house. As you sit there, start thinking about all the things that you did at age 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, etc. Then ask yourself, “What would I regret NOT doing?” at those ages of 10, 20, 30, etc. If you find that you would regret NOT going to medical school or that you would regret NOT being a doctor, then perhaps that is your answer: minimize your regrets NOW and just start.
2: Ask yourself, “How do I want to be remembered at my funeral?” "What do I want to be remembered for doing, being, accomplishing?"
I understand your angst. I, too, had similar problems of starting on premed-type activities and retreating; but instead of continually starting and cancelling classes, I did it with continual volunteer work. Whenever I considered taking my premed coursework, I would instead channel my fears and reservations into doing even more volunteering. Eventually, I knew that I couldn’t volunteer forever. So, when I did these “thought exercises,” slowly over several days to better gauge my gut responses, I knew then that I needed to take the next step and start my road to medical school.
But perhaps the final “kick in the butt for me” was simply seeing all the young kids who had been volunteering alongside me leave for medical school, and then return years later as doctors. While I was still a lay volunteer! It made me realize that if I had their fortitude and ambition, I would have been a doctor by now. Alas, not yet.
Financier J. P. Morgan once said that everyone has two reasons for doing or saying things: The reason that sounds good and the true reason. Perhaps consider what your reasons are, both the ones that sound good to yourself, and the real ones. Remember, you don’t need to be a doctor unless you really want to.
About the fear…I have always thought that intense fear, such as you are facing now, perhaps indicates that you are moving in the RIGHT direction. It is much easier on our psyches to stay in the comfort zone. Pushing past it is very uncomfortable–and exceedingly rewarding. Stay with the fear. Get comfortable with it. It has a lot to tell you. Observe it, but don’t let it tell you how to run your life. Auditing is a great idea, but it may be that your fear will know that you aren’t on the line, but it’s a good step in the right direction. What would you do if your grades “didn’t really count”? For many of us, we would still take these courses because they interest us, no matter what the final outcome.
I do not think that you are that different than a lot us out here.
When I was in college, a long time ago (I graduated in 1995), I knew that I wanted to become a physician. So I took the first semester of Bio and got a “C”. At that point (along with other circumstances that crushed my self confidence) I deterimed that I was not smart enough to persue medical school. I spent 10 years achieveing in everything else possible (sports, other educational programs, a career)to prove to myself that I could do it. One of my personal favorites is when I rode my bike up a steep sustained road climb at high altitude (without training) with the specific intention that if I made it up without stopping that I could make it as a physician. That was over four years ago.
It was not until a couple of months ago that I realized that I should stop wasting my time and go for it. How would I know if I could make it through the premed classes, medical school and residency if all I was doing was living it in my head? I decided that the only way for me to get the answer was to take the first step.
I started my first class as a post bacc. student this week. Yes, I look more like the professor than the students and my monkey mind is saying “what the hell are you doing here?” but I know that it is fear talking. I just remember that I did make it up that mountain. It was hard and I struggled but I made it and I will do the same this semester and the next and the next.
As someone who comes from the same space that you are in I encourage you to take one class next semester. Break yourself in slowly and allow yourself to start down your path. It will not be as easy as where you are now but you will be happy that you are on your way.
Hey don’t give Up! If this is what you really want to do! I tried being happy as an RN (16 years worth of nursing) lastly Hospice which I did like, BUT being a FP kept coming back to me and here I am! 40, moved my family to England, in medical school! I have always believed
In what I thought about myself. One thing Hospice taught me (well there are many) was in the end it’s Yourself! You and you alone matter in happiness and what you really want out of life. If you want to be a Doc then go for it! Take the needed premed and go go go.
