Here’s my story.
I did OK in college. By “OK” I mean I left with a generic bachelor of science degree with a concentration in business administration and a 3.6GPA. Like so many on here, I knew that medicine was my calling but shied away from it because I didn’t think it would happen for me (too expensive, time consuming and I wasn’t sure if I had the discipline to see that goal to fruition).
Despite my hesitancy, my loving husband encouraged me to enter a post-bacc program because he knows my passion for healthcare in general terms and medicine specifically. I did and was accepted. The problem was, I never abandoned the “old me” for this new opportunity. The old me who procrastinated constantly because I was insecure even at 35 yrs old. I was often too embarrassed to admit that I didn’t understand different topics and would either drop classes like crazy, or lamely give it a slight effort shrugging off a mediocre grade because I could. I knew full well that I wasn’t giving it my all. I don’t know what plagued me more, a fear of success or a fear of failure. Both were paralyzing to say the least.
After some difficulties and personal tragedies, I kept plugging away until last semester. Mentally, I felt like I was getting no where fast, sort of wandering through my responsibilities in life and at school until I gave up. I just quit. I dropped one class because I was barely attending, and my other class just became so disinteresting to me that I stopped going.
For those of you who are religious, perhaps you will understand better than others when I say, I cannot escape the feeling that I’ve made a terrible mistake. (Think of the Biblical story of Jonah and the Whale). I have felt a calling on my life for a long time to become a physician. In my job, my patients often tell me that I am a great teacher, kind and skilled, but my personal life was getting to be overwhelming. I should never have sacrificed my “fair” GPA (3.4) in the post-bacc to what it is now with my drops and F (1.6). How cowardly to give up like that! What have I done???
I literally dream about becoming a doctor at night. Many times it’s my first thought at waking and my last thought when I rest my head. I have wanted this for soooo long, but the closer I get to realizing this dream, the more I seem to mess up. It’s ridiculous. I work as a dialysis tech and there is nothing more interesting to me than nephrology. Who in their right mind would give me another chance at med school??? But I want it very, very, very badly. I think having spilled my guts, admitting my mistakes, having a strong support system has all helped, as I spent last semester out of school and soul-searching, but my prayers keep guiding me back to the unlikely belief that I still can pursue this. Medicine is my ministry, but like Jonah, I had to get swallowed by a whale (nearly getting kicked out of my post-bacc program) to stop treating this like a game and focusing. But now what? Do I start over AGAIN at my current school and finish out, or try to transfer for a fresh start? I need help. I am far from rich and have already asked my husband to forgive me and allow me just once more to follow this far-fetched dream. I know that when this all comes together I will darn near be 50, and more financially strained than I am today, but as long as God gives me breath, if I can help one person at 50 to provide knowledge, compassion, comfort and trust as I practice medicine so be it. It will all have been worth it. So many times I’ve heard staff members refer negatively to our patients because they don’t follow doctor’s orders and are deemed “non-compliant”, I know from personal experience that there is often more to the story. My experiences have shown me that it’s never too late until it just is and to take responsibility for my actions in full. Know what else? It’s also shown me that life is a constant striving of set backs, failures, and valuable lessons. I’ve learned. Now I want a “do-over” but I’m not fully sure where and how to start.
I appreciate this space to get real - I look forward to your comments.
You are not alone in your struggles! Most OPM’s realize that the path to becoming a physician will be difficult and riddled with some failure. I’m only 2 yrs into my journey and I’ve failed at some goals that I have set. What I find as a 34 yr old, who’s married and a father, is that my failure’s are only learning experience’s and nothing more. It is good that you took time off and did a little soul searching. Now you can pull up your boot straps and get back to work. I don’t know if your post-bacc program has course forgiveness or not, but it may be something you can check into if you haven’t already. Be encouraged cause this journey is one awesome trip!!
Dear WatEvrItTkes,
Thank you for responding to my post. I am going to take the summer off to make sure that I am truly as ready and prepared as I need to be to try this again.
I had the reoccurring thought that for me, this journey will be dedicated entirely to my faith when I succeed. I thought too that it really is time to forgive myself for my past mistakes and move on cleanly. I know this is a rough comparison, but heck if Oprah Winfrey, the “guru” of self-help and personal fortitude herself has repeatedly failed (in her quest for weight management) even after obvious strides toward success with her vast resources, etc then well, I’m not alone. She’s looked at as a giant in her field, but maybe not so in her personal life depending on who you talk to. Anyway, it’s a bit of comfort for me because she was able to pick herself up after her huge weight re-gain and refocus to become even more admired and in some degree compassionate. She admits to making better dietary and lifestyle choices and is happy with herself and where she is with her weight challenges. Like I said, rough comparison, but I get how she set what probably seemed an insurmountable goal, achieved it in time only to fall right back to where she began and work toward a do-over.
I need to prove to myself that I’m not a quitter. I’ve had this dream for so long and talked myself out of it or sabotaged myself while in it for the last time.
I got some advice from someone I respect a great deal that left me nearly heartbroken. She told me in the kindest way to consider other careers in the medical field because for me to become a physician is going to be an uphill battle akin to climbing Mt. Everest with a 5 foot long rope, an untested harness, a 400 lb gorilla on my back and all done while wearing high heels. (My words but if you read what she wrote back to me, you’d agree that it’s the same as what she meant) Neither of you said it was impossible so with her brutal and kind honesty and your encouragement, sounds like it’s still a possibility for me - albeit a long shot, but when I make it, boy will I have a testimony and do it in my stylish heels. 
I love your handle, “WatEvrItTkes” and I agree. I’m in there with you. Whatever it Takes.
God bless
- TJHuff Said:
It sounds like you have an issue I had for quite a long time- self-doubt that stems from focusing on the negative, not the positive. Here's an exercise to try.
Get out a piece of paper, and make a list of all the negative things about yourself. Don't be shy. You're thinking them already, writing them down can't make them worse. I don't think that there's anything lower than paralyzing fear. Once you're done, do the same thing with all the positive things about yourself. Anything positive at all. Compare the two lists, and you'll see two very different stories. No one can choose their circumstances, but we can all choose how we respond to them. Once you see your accomplishments, it's easy to realize the person you can be with hard work and determination.
If you're curious, here are mine.
Bad Attributes
- Low undergrad GPA, 2.59/4.00.
- Med school prerequisites not completed.
- Been a long time since undergraduate.
- Difficulty finishing things I start.
- Suffered from depression through undergraduate.
- Suffered from financial issues while on unemployment for a year.
- Undergrad professors who didn't expect I'd ever do well.
Well fuck me, right? That doesn't sound like someone who's going anywhere. And I'd never go anywhere if those were the attributes I used to define myself. But they aren't. I define myself with the good ones.
Good Attributes
- Graduated with a BS in Biology.
- Came out during undergraduate years.
- Volunteered with 1-800-SUICIDE for two years.
- Volunteered as a crisis counselor and rape counselor.
- Saved the lives of two friends by being available to talk when they were suicidal.
- Organized and administered a support group for queer and questioning college students.
- Multiple leadership positions for different organizations: State Treasurer, Vice President, National Coming Out Day chair, National Day of Silence chair.
- IQ of ~160.
- Scored 99.9th %ile on the GRE General.
- Accepted to an MS Biomedical Science program; degree forthcoming.
- Accepted to a PhD program.
- Multiple academic awards including a prestigious fellowship to support my PhD.
Look at those lists and you can hardly tell they're about the same goddamn person. The first is a person who's not getting into medical school. The second, while I'm not going to count chickens yet, certainly sounds like a person who can be competitive. The first list is a list of things that are true about me and, for better or worse, will always be true about me. But they don't define me. The second list defines me, and the only reason it defines me is that no one chooses how to define me except me. Ok, so my GPA sucks. So what? I can't make that go away. But I can make it clear to an admissions committee that I'm going to be an awesome physician regardless of what that number says about me.
You need to choose how to define you. So therein lies the question you need to tackle: who are you?
- TJHuff Said:
I would say that there's a distinct lack of people here who, as applicants, are sure things. There are some, but it's generally the disaffected and the misfits that seek community and support. We all think from time to time "This is a really fucking stupid idea. Why am I even trying?". That doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Actually, that means you have a healthy dose of self-awareness. If you're an intelligent person (and it seems like you are) and you've made an effort to assess reality and understand the risks, and going for it in spite of them is worthwhile, then go for it.
Self sabotage?
It might be hard to ‘make good’ of advice if you implement it with the same tools that prompted the request for help. See if maybe the following hits home in any way:
If you purposely withdraw, or you recognize that you are cruising by doing just ‘good enough’, then you know without a doubt, that THOSE are the the reasons that you’re not in medical school. You tell yourself that if you tried harder, you could have probably done it by now. That’s a very calming and safe place to put your mind.
BUT, what if you try your absolute hardest, attend every class, put forth your BEST EFFORTS…and you FAIL? If this scenario were to happen, then you would have to face something extremely scary: That your BEST…might not be GOOD ENOUGH.
If way down deep inside you feel like you’re ‘not going to be smart enough/good enough, or aren’t ‘that’ kind of person that gets into medical school’, then you might just be self sabotaging to avoid finding out that you might be a ‘failure’.
If you realize that medical students are just people…and not extraordinary super human beings who were somehow born ‘better/smarter than you’, then you might have a shot at breaking these habits and this plateau.
Stop controlling the ‘reason’ that you’re not in medical school with self sabotage.
Take a true leap of faith; REDEFINE who you are and what you can absolutely BE.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!!!
First of all, you have a fantastic uGPA. When my own GPA slipped from high-3s to barely-above-mid-3s, I was still congratulated for having a high GPA. You did good.
Now, I understand you say that your post-bacc GPA went down the banos. Listen, you have to understand one thing right now: getting into medical school is more than your GPA. Am I right, OPM? From what I understand, getting into medical school is less about your GPA and more about - here it is: who you are and why your school of choice would be proud to graduate you as a doctor. What does that mean for you? It means that there is a medical school adcom member who will see through your self-proclaimed post-bacc flounder and see that you have what it takes to become a university of [wherever] doctor!!
Find a way to create an upward GPA trend. That is easier said than done on orders of magnitude, I know, but find a way. Then, get out there and apply early and broad! With age comes experience in life that enables you view and care for a patient in such a way that a 20-something-fresh-underg rad cannot even comprehend - and that in and of itself is priceless.
Don’t give up!! Come here for inspiration, then leave here and go out and knock 'em dead! You can do this, and you know you can do it. Jehovah goaded Jonah into the purpose Jonah was to serve in Nineveh by being swallowed by a whale…is the post-bacc your whale? Put together a solid application and start sending it out!