Joke flood thread

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on

a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function

and begins to talk.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather

coat It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, …go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the

new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$60,000”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing…the house we wanted

last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer


WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking

at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

A golfer asked his friend, “Why are you so late?” The friend replied, “It’s Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!”

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered".

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."


An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"

"We call it hitting 3."

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
5-iron, standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes, it is." said the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman began to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands over her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know ... five, six, maybe seven times ... but just put me down for a five."

The Rabbi Is Moving

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, “If the rabbi stays, I’ll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!”

The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, “If the rabbi stays, I’ll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!”

More sighs and applause.

Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 70, stands and announces, “If the rabbi stays, I’ll give

him SEX!!”

There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, “Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?”

Mrs. Goldfarb answers, “I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F*ck the rabbi.”

The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a
room with all the blinds drawn.
“Why are all the blinds closed?” she asked her doctor.
“Well,” the surgeon responded, “They’re fighting a huge fire
across the street, and we didn’t want you to wake up and
think the operation had failed.”

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing infront of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious,broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, please do not send future funds through Washington, DC., those a$$holes deducted $95.00 in taxes

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her elderly father was getting frail and very hard of hearing.

She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing diamonds and a full-length fur coat. As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm--they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London these days."

The girl took his hands and said "Dad--I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. Obviously I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."

Her father gasped, put his hand on his chest and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.

As the priest administered the Last Rites with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing nearby, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner--killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what she's become!"

"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."

Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say PROSTITUTE ?? I thought you said PROTESTANT!!

Don’t Mess With These Ladies

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

Let's Go For Stupid

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Caught For Speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Stuck Under A Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk." The wasted wino asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."


The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man. biggrin.gif

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him earnestly.

“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be alright. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him “How does that feel?”

He replied “Oh that feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

The Harvard School of Medicine did an extensive study of
why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study
revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton
spelled backwards is Not Now.
There’s a big controversy on the Jewish view of when
life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not
considered viable until after it graduates from medical
Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol
interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess
horror movie?
A: It’s called “Debbie Does Dishes.”
Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? A:
They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’ favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdales.
When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that
her check came back, she replied, “So did my
A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are
you?” “Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very
weak.” The son says, “Why are you so weak?” She
says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.” The man
says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38
days?” The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my
mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he’s been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful.
What part is it?” the mother asks. The boy says, “I play
the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and
says, “Go back and tell the teacher that you want a
speaking part.”
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a
light bulb? A: (Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the
dark, I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish
mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten
in three days.” “Force yourself,” she replied.
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a
Jewish Mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.”
The year is 2012 and the United States of America has
recently elected the first woman as well as the first
Jewish President, Susan Vinterberg. The President
elect calls up her mother a few weeks after election day
and says “So Ma, I assume you will be coming to my
inauguration?” “I don’t think so. It’s a ten hour
drive, and your Father isn’t as young as he used to be,
and my gout is acting up again.” “Don’t worry about it
Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you
home. And a limousine will pick you up at your
door.” “Everybody will be so fancy, I don’t know what
on Earth I would wear.” “Oh mom,” replies
Susan, “don’t worry about it. I’ll make sure you have
a wonderful gown by Christian Dior.” “Honey,” Mom
complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you
and your friends like to eat.” The President-to-be
responds, “Don’t worry Mom. The entire affair is going
to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher
all the way. Mom, I want you to come.” So Mom agrees
and so on January 21, 2013, Susan Vineberg is being
sworn in as President of the United States of America.
In the front row sits the new President’s mother, who
leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and
says: “You see that woman over there with her hand on
the Bible, becoming the President of the United
States?” The Senator whispers back, “Yes I do.” Mom
replies: “Her brother’s a doctor.”