Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, along with ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
Whitey kept records, and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Whitey’s time, so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance which rooster was
performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Whitey’s favorite rooster was old Brewster, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Whitey noticed old Brewster’s bell hadn’t rung at all! Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Whitey’s amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak so that it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and stroll on to the next one. Whitey was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair, and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result.
The judges not only awarded Brewster the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also gave him the Pulletsurprise, as well.
Clearly, Brewster was a Democrat. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them?
Subject: Fw: Steak supper
A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month. Of course the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."
She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."
He then replied, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.
She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol'Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful.
She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.
After everyone had finished they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About this time the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said,
"Mrs.Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there.
We ill pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine.
Just keep hem all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, I think everything will be fine now, and he left.
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time the town lady came in and said,
"You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."
Corporal Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised
new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI
insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Corporal
Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to
nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the
Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales
pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and
then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed,
the government has to pay $250,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't
have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government
only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.
Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send
into battle first?"
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BUFORD'S GOT THE SHINGLES
Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their
practices
like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to po' ole' Buford... Buford walked into a doctor's
office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Buford said, "Shingles".
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told
him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he
had.
Buford said, "Shingles".
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and
told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a Nurse
came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, "Shingles".
So she drew blood from him for a lab test, ran a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and then told Buford to take off all his clothes and
wait for the
doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, "Shingles".
The doctor then asked, "Where?"
Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"