More new Jokes

Ole’s wife, Lena, had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, “Hey, Ole! You just had a son!” Ain’t dat grand!

Ole got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, “Hold on! We ain’t finished yet!” The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, “Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!” She’s a pretty little ting, too…

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, “Hold on, we still ain’t done yet!” The doctor then delivered another boy and said, “Ole, you just had youself another boy!” Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

When Ole and Lena went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, “Lena, you remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?”

She said, “Yeah, I do.”

The questions: Over 5 generations ago, in 1923, who was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the world’s most successful of
their day. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what
ultimately became of them.
The answer:

1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died
a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from
prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad,
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was
financially secure at the time of his death.
The moral: Screw work. Play golf. You’ll live longer and be better off in
the end.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the “Three Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up.

You can have the duck!