Official Lawyer Joke Thread

For Those Who Can’t Understand The Worldcom Case. This is put in the simplest form so that every one can understand.
An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day. However, the next day he drove up and said, “Sorry, but I have some bad news: The mule died.”
“Well, then, just give me my money back.”
Can’t do that. I went and spent it already."
“OK, then. Just unload the mule.”
“What ya gonna do with a dead mule?”
“I’m going to raffle him off.”
“You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”
“Sure I can. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month later the two met up and the farmer who
sold the mule asked,
“Whatever happened with that dead mule?”
“I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a net profit of
$898.”
“Didn’t anyone complain?”
“Just the Lawyer who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

How is a lawyer different from a hooker? A hooker stops screwing you once you're dead.
How is a lawyer different from road kill? Nobody wants to hit road kill with their car.

A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer were waiting one morning on a particularly slow group of golfers.
“What’s wrong with these guys?” fumed the lawyer. “We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”
“I don’t know,” said the doctor, “but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”
“Here comes the greenskeeper,” said the priest. “Let’s have a word with him. Say, George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow. aren’t they?”
“Oh, yes,” said George, "That’s the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let them play here anytime free of charge!"
Everyone was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, “That’s so sad, I think I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
“And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them,” the doctor added.
“Why can’t these guys play at night?” asked the lawyer.

Oh I know a zillion of these, but this one is my absolute favorite:
What do you call a group of lawyers, skydiving?
Skeet.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a cobra, a hungry Kodiak bear, and a lawyer. You a have high-powered pistol loaded with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the lawyer twice.

I had to reach way back to find this thread - unacceptable! there are a LOT more lawyer jokes out there!
Another version of the road kill joke:
What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road, and a dead lawyer in the road?
(of course) skid marks in front of the dog.
The following quotations are not lawyer jokes per se, but close enough. Be sure to read to the end, the last one is especially good.
These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court.” These are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while
these were all taking place?
Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I’ve decided to give
your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That’s fair, your honor. I’ll try to send her a few bucks
myself."
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which!
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Would you repeat that question, please?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
A: I resent that question.

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I
sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
on him.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
laugh.gif

Great Jokes Mary!

damnit, now I am going to have to load more jokes in here. She really upped me big time…

Damn Mary, I got tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard - thanks.

Quote:

Damn Mary, I got tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard - thanks.


Hold up now. Mary’s jokes are hilarious, but ours aren’t? I’m not so sure about that…

Okay, these were posted…when? Anyway, I just read them now and was LMAO!!!

Quote:

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

laugh.gif



It kills me, hahaha. I love this one.