Osteopathic Christmas Humor

(The Osteopathic Medical Student Version)
Written by SawBones, MS-IV
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Bones were a’crackin’ while I manipulated my spouse.
It appears she was shopping, and this was her plight,
Her bags were too heavy, her spine now sidebent left… rotated right.
She entered our house, all stooped and in pain.
Screaming, “Thank God you’re osteopath, please fix me again.”
Excited to treat so my skills I could hone,
So I led her to our table, that was paid for with loans.
“One moment,” I said, as I looked at the pile,
Of folded laundry that’s been atop my table for awhile.
Once clear, I bid her lay atop the black rigid table,
For I would now manipulate, (tho’ I’m just barely able).
So I moved my hands up and down and back along her spine,
“Releasing tension” said I, though I was just buying time…
While trying to recall the proper setup and force,
To place her spine back in place where it was once before.
Now was it high velocity or low, low amplitude or high?
Oh why, God did I sleep through OMM lab, oh why, God? Oh, why?
Then it occurred to me, the solution I sought.
It was a technique so unique that only my school has taught.
I believe the professor, his name may have been Seuss.
A funny old lad, with a tall hat and large caboose.
And the technique that he taught and for which he was proud,
Was the “Spine-Wackem’-Now-Go-Backem’-WallaBoom-Osteo-POW!”
So I took my poor wife, and wrapped limb over limb.
Over limb then once more, and for good measure, once again.
By now she was a pretzel and I more confused,
This is the price I have paid, for my skills I have not used.
I put pressure on the sacrum and made a fulcrum somewhere else.
“Take a deep breath now,” said I as I prepared to pounce.
Then I leaped on top of her with a thudding kaboom,
I swore I would move SOMETHING and finish this soon!
And to my relief (and surprise), I did heard something crack!
But it didn’t sound right… oh God, what WAS that?
I imagined my wife’s eyes rolling back in her head,
Spewing blood from her mouth as her body went dead.
But to my surprise, she was fine and shouted “That’s it!”
By George, I actually fixed her… Damn, I’m the s**t!!
“It was nothing” I said, full of confidence and pride.
Not letting on just how nervous I had been feeling inside.
She arose from the table, and walked across the floor.
“I feel so great,” she said. “I think I’ll go shopping some more.”
And as she did leave, I did sit in my chair.
Pondering what I would do next time, when she asks for my care.
If I don’t use my skills, and I become rusty at best,
I could kill my own wife, cracking the bones in her chest.
So alas, should I study and then practice and drill?
Hell no, I’m a fourth year. Screw that… she can take Advil.