I do not think that anyone here is saying that there are no exceptions regarding men that function in the primary caregiver role…but in “general” women take on that role. If the OP had her SO/husband as the primary caregiver right now…she would not be posting the question right? because it would be a non-issue.
Hi Victoria,
You sound like you’ve got a heck of alot going for you already in terms of sorting out the home front.
There will always be people who will be negative about it, and people who will be positive. But the reality is that you and your DH and children are the only ones who can choose what is best for your own family unit. There’s lots of different ways of being a great family, as we all know, and I don’t think anyone can give you an answer that will completely fit your own personal circumstances.
Don’t give up if this is a dream/goal of yours, especially not because someone else thinks you shouldn’t!
- whuds Said:
It's sad but this will be my last post on this ever, it seems that Men cannot be accepted to have an opinion on this, we are unable to understand and give a point of view is the message here.
Thats just one of the reasons I went to Medschool, nursing is like this to men also.
To the OP I think you should do what's in you heart and makes you happy, if going to med school will do that it makes you better, a better person and a happier person, spouse and MOM!
Thats just one of the reasons I went to Medschool, nursing is like this to men also.
To the OP I think you should do what's in you heart and makes you happy, if going to med school will do that it makes you better, a better person and a happier person, spouse and MOM!
Bill, I'm sorry, but I don't know where or how you got the impression that your views were not being respected. I hope that you can accept that your own experience, and your dedication to pulling your weight in your family, is NOT the experience for many people. It is that reality that I'm trying to point out - I am not attempting to promote or defend a stereotype. As efex noted, if it weren't at least a potential issue for her, the OP wouldn't have asked the question, would she?
And a particular peeve of mine is the language that you used, Bill (apparently inadvertently given your strong commitment to being an active partner in family life): the idea of the spouse "helping around the house." This is a term that to me implies that the help-er is doing someone else a favor, or going out of his or her way or "above and beyond", as opposed to taking on his/her appropriate share of responsibility as a partner. Partners don't "help." They share the load.
And my point in response was that for the parent who's going to medical school, she or he must count on the other parent to be a helluva lot more than "help." To a great extent, that other parent needs to be the CEO or manager... and if that is a role switch that families haven't considered, it is a discussion that they definitely need to have.
Mary
Victoria: drop me a line at my email address (in my profile). I’m a parent, local to the Bay Area, and would be happy to provide cheerleading.
Let me apologize in advance, because I’m about sound like Dr. Laura and it makes cringe. Is it “unrealistic?” Not if you’re organized, smart, have a good support network, and be lucky enough to get accepted into med school that will to a degree have to accommodate you as a mother. Is it right or fair to your children, your future patience, and your sanity? Only you can answer this. To all the dads out there claiming they’ve done it…;well, as someone previously noted, it isn’t the same. It’s certainly not the same especially when you’re the primary caregiver of young children. The male doctors you consulted are probably a bunch of chauvenists…the kind where if it was up to them, women be restricted to the role of nurse. Don’t let their opinions get to you. First & foremost, think about the endless hours of attending classes, studying, worrying about exams, doing extended hour clerkships & research, all of which culminate to residencey position…a job that pushes the limits of human capacity…physically, mentally, emotionally, intellectually…Think about and come up with your own answer. Motherhood is a 24/7/365 commitment. Medical school doesn’t come close, but, it’s up there. Combining the two? Both will be compromised. Again, is it fair? I wish you the absolute best. Again, please accept my apologies if I am being judgemental.
Take care,
Psychtophys
Hi 3-kid-Mom,
I’m a former old premed (now old med student) who has not posted on this site for a very long time. But in killing time after an exam today I decided to log in, and I can’t resist replying to your post. I am 42 and the mom of three kids, ages 10, 5, and 5. I did my pre-med work very slowly over many years, and I am now in my second year of med school. IT IS TOTALLY DO-ABLE, DON’T GIVE UP!! I am having a fabulous time, and my kids are just fine. My recommendations:
- Choose a med school that does not have classes all day. We get out at 1 3-4 days a week, and that has helped a lot.
- Figure out in advance what kind of child care/household management you are going to have for third year through residency, and work out the kinks. We used day care and a lot of me during my first year. I didn’t always study much, but I saw the kids lots and learned what I needed to learn. This year we have an au pair. Could have done day care this year, too, but I wanted to get used to having an au pair and figure out what I liked and didn’t like and how to adjust BEFORE third year hits. If you have space, an au pair is a great option – completely flexible hours and very inexpensive.
- If possible, turn household management over to your husband. If not, have a good plan in advance about how you’re going to deal with it. My husband spends more time with the kids than I do and is great with homework, piano practice, dishes, cooking, etc. He is terrible with planning/thinking – absent-minded professor. So I do the planning and he does the executing. I plan menus and order groceries once a week, then tell the au pair what to prep for one of us to cook. I buy age-appropriate birthday presents in bulk once or twice a year, so the kids will have things to take to parties. We use Google calendar to keep a master calendar of everyone’s obligations – ours, kids’, au pair’s. During this year, I have learned what I need to do in advance to prep the au pair to take over some of the organizational role in terms of playdates, days off from school, etc.
- Realize that your relative lack of time with your kids will actually motivate you to figure out creative ways to see them. I actually spend more time with my kids than a lot of stay-at-home moms at my son’s school. (I am not exaggerating – I have compared schedules.) Their kids do gazillions of extra-curricular activities and rarely spend an afternoon at home; mine don’t. I bring my oldest to class sometimes, or pick my little ones up from school and spend the afternoon with them on a day I have an evening obligation. I don’t study on Saturdays, ever, and usually put in only about 3 hours on Sundays. I do that by being very efficient during the week and studying after the kids are in bed at night and before they get up in the morning. Am I tired? You bet. But is it worth it? Absolutely.
Good luck!
Hi NYCLauren,
Thanks so much for your post! I haven’t checked in on the responses for a couple of weeks, and was really excited to see yours. Wow - twins, I can’t imagine! Glad to hear that things are going well.
thanks again!
Victoria =)