My girlfriend and I have been quite serious for 7 years despite most of the relationship being long distance. you could say we’re “logistically challenged”
she is very adamant about me moving to be where she is since she just took a 3 year contract job in tv.
I have no problem moving and she has mentioned that she would be willing to relocate to where I get accepted to medical school when that time comes
My question to the group is: Now that I am coming close to relocating, it seems that she’s kind of back-stepping. not directly, but I’m picking up on hints that she might back out of that deal and leave me stranded. I would really hate that to happen and I’m afraid it would literally crush me to know that I had sacrificed a great job and moved all the way there to be with her to pursue this dream and relationship and for her not to compromise with me.
can anyone lend a brother a helping hand as to how to sort this out? I really want this relationship to work and I was wanting to propose in dec. I know it should be all about the love but this dream is something I want soooo bad too. why does it seem that she says one thing to get me to move and then I feel like she’ll change her mind and leave me hangin’
- Miller J. Said:
Because you either know her very well or are scared or both. You have to do what you have to do. In the end the decision is yours. Will you be able to live with yourself if you allow anyone to deter you from your dream? Will she? Who will resent whom?
I know of a guy, personally...but it's not me, who had a dream of becoming a Army Special Forces operator. To the lay person you would call him a Green Beret. So this guy joins the military and trains, trains, trains. He is a model soldier and finally once he's a Sgt he get the invite to apply. His wife loses it and forbids him from even trying out.
Fast forward 30 years later they are still married. As unhappily as they can be. Every conversation is a look or word away from being an all out explosion. When the explosions happen, without fail the Army SF comes up.
My point is I think you know why you feel the way you do. I also believe you know what you're supposed to do. The thing is getting the courage to follow through with it.
BTW, the comment about "all about love".....sorry but love does not conquer all when it's one sided.
I don’t have enough phalanges to count all the times that relationship anxieties prevented me from making a move (be it geographical, career, or other major decision). My advice is in line with Croooz’s. You are the one who will most directly bear the consequences of your own decisions. Regrets are an extra special bitch when they become a bludgeon that you share with a spouse or s.o. for the sole purpose of punishing one another.
My prime directive in life is: take care of #1. This sounds selfish; it is. You aren’t going to be likely to be able to provide [you name it: love, support, cash, blood, etc.] unless you have it to spare. This is usually one of the very first things they teach you in EMS. The hero is the guy (or gal) who gets the job done without becoming a senseless casualty & a liability for his partners. I see relationships the same way. You won’t be able to take care of someone else for very long if you don’t take care of yourself first. Sure, sacrifice and compromise have their places. You can’t sacfrice something you don’t have, and compromise is simply two parties making a sacrifice.
A career in medicine will be a very long row to hoe. From what I hear, life doesn’t magically become all bright and shiny when you finish training (with the possible exception of dermatology?). The person you will be sharing your life with needs to have realistic expectations about your availability (emotionally and otherwise), and you REALLY don’t need the stress of an imploding relationship smack in the middle of medical school.
Bottom line: if you want the girl & the career, wait on the career until the relationship is solid as can be. If you can’t possibly wait to start off towards medical school, cut her loose and do you what you need to do. If all you want is the girl then you’re on your own, 'cuz I’m the last one you want advice from in that dept. I actually gave up an exciting career in entertainment technology (fancy words for: stagehand) to get married and move away from my comfort zone. I don’t regret it one bit now, but it was hard to do initially. Any kind of entertainment production (TV, Film, Stage, Events)is a whole world unto itself, much like medicine. If she is feeling her call in that direction, it is every bit as strong & legitimate as your call towards medicine. It takes the same focused dedication to make it that biz as it does in ours. Keep that in mind as you try to figure this out for yourselves.
I hope I offered something helpful. Good luck wherever destiny takes you, and may fortune find you both!
Tim
Well…I cannot tell you what you should do just what I think now at my age, what I think is this, Look out for you in this, I’m married and I can tell you this is rough, my wife wants this for me too but we are poor at the moment and I have a lot to study all the time, there is less time for her and the kids.
I think people kid themselves about a long distance relationship, they think they are working when in reality a real relationship may not exist, at 7 years you are way past the early part that everyone is in “Dreamland Love” and you are into the Hardcore time of that relationship. I was married 15years and now 7 years myself, I still love my current wife deeply but its different then the 1st 2 or 3 years.
Think about things and how this person feels on the future, have a face to face sit down before you make the move, really, be honest with each other, what you are about to do equals marriage.
Miller,
As a woman who was serious (FI) with someone in med school (he was in med school) in a long distance relationship for years I think that if you sense uncertainty on your girlfriend’s part then do not ignore that. In an LDR you really need time to live with each other in the same location before making the decision to get engaged. I know you want to be engaged and have a life with this woman, but make sure she feels the same way after living with you for a long while. GL.
May I reccommend you also post your concern here:
http://boards.thenest.com/Boards/ShowForum.aspx?Fo…
You will get honest answers from the female perspective.
If you’re getting a weird vibe, something is probably bothering you, or her, or both. IMHO, you should trust your gut and see what’s going on - have you spoken with her about your concerns?
Also, what about your concerns? Will you hold it against her that you sacrificed a great job? I don’t believe that career and dream are necessarily mutually exclusive with love - just other aspects to consider, especially if they’re important to you.
Speaking from a failed long distance relationship of many years ago perspective: See her in person and then make your judgment on the vibe.
If you connect like you had just seen her yesterday, then I think and feel you have some chemistry there to work on.
If it feels like you’re strangers and need some time to re-ignite that chemistry, then, well, maybe things aren’t going to work out.
I had the latter experience upon meeting my former sweetie. It was strange at the time, but I ignored that vibe until everything fell apart a few months down the road.
Lessons learned?
- There is more than one soul mate in life.
- As the others have said, take care of #1 first.
- When a significant other starts putting conditions on his or her affections, then it most likely ain’t going to work out over the long haul.
Caveat: This type of advice is very difficult to listen to, or believe, when you’re hoping for someone to give you the “It’s OK, everything will work out when there’s love” spiel. It’s the head-in-the-sand denial that love isn’t really like it is in the movies and the world is not a place of rainbows, pink flowery meadows and unicorns.
Most of us have been through this in our teens or early 20s and have the scars on our hearts to show it. Yet, life moves on and you would be surprised at how many more soul mates are out there.
Again, my humble two cents with plenty of change to spare.
hak
Perhaps personal experience has left me a bit cynical or jaded, but I’d say look out for you. Yes she may be the so-called love of your life and you two can’t stand behind farther than two feet from one another, but there are no guarantees with relationships.
sounds great. after some more talks with her it’s going to be cool and I need her in my life… it’s just been so difficult with us being apart for so long and we are so close when we’re together. I think moving will help things and plus I need a change from this place too (Dallas) i’m all alone and there’s nothing here really keeping me besides just taking classes which I can do anyplace that has a college. my family is closer as well so that’ll be a plus. I’ve decided to go ahead and take chem II here this summer too instead of waiting until Fall. that way I can go ahead and jump into Physics I in the fall and then take Physics II in the spring there. thanks for all the support though. i really do appreciate all the experience everyone brings to the table here.
- Miller J. Said:
I think that is the key...communicating...
best of luck to you!
Kris