Hi all, this is going to be a long post but I could really appreciate the feedback and am not sure who I can tell this story to, so Im asking on here! I think I messed up my chances of getting in to a med school, but if there is any way to fix this, I am willing to try! Thank you in advance to anyone that takes the time to read this.
Currently a 25 year old female (transferred from community college), and senior at a UC , should graduate with a 3.88 GPA in Neurobiology and Physiology. Sounds pretty good but it all goes downhill from there…
Uncomfortable sob story, but nonetheless important for honest feedback in my opinion. At age 11 I was abducted and raped by 3 men, released same day and kept it a secret. I did not deal with this well, shut down and stopped talking completely. I refused to leave my house and stopped going to school. Parents got letters in the mail saying they would go to jail if I didn’t go, so I got put on something called home and hospital- not an education, just a lady who came by once a week to pick a homework packet which was a complete joke.
During this time I was struggling with anorexia and bulimia, and for two years did not speak to anyone but my mom. This created a lot of home tension, my brother ( older by 3 years) and dad were very embarrassed by me and often said I should commit suicide because I was a waste of air and money.
Needless to say, I was very depressed. I was seeing a psychiatrist and heavily medicated at the time, but it wasn’t helping. Mom frequently gave me “juice”, which I learned later was watered down Nyquil to help me pass out because my crying was upsetting my dad and brother, which I understand. I was not an easy person to be around. Dad and brother always told me how stupid and pathetic I was, and considering I had lost all my friends, and didn’t go to school, I believed this too. I began drinking a lot, gained 100 pounds in about a year and things got much worse.
At 14 my parents got me an xbox because my cousins thought it might help me to talk more if I played online video game with them. Amazingly, this helped a lot. Over the next year I lost 80 pounds, so this was a rapid gain/loss, which unfortunately left a pretty bad mark on my body.
At 15, I was healthy and fit but unfortunately covered in stretch marks as well as in need of a breast lift. My mom was kind enough to pay for me to get a lift at 15, and a second at 16. My mental health was great, I was definitely happier and at 17 I stopped taking all of my medications. Not that there is anything wrong with psych meds, but I did try to commit suicide 3 times while on them and definitely had side effects.
At this point in my life I was still not in school and didn’t have any friends. The only social life I had was online video games, where I met a boyfriend that I moved in with at 16. Despite being an addict/ dealer he was kind to me, but certainly not going anywhere in life, and really either was I. I always thought of myself as a junior high dropout and my brother and dad certainly never let me forget I was the family shame.
At 17 I started being a nanny for a wealthy couple who paid very well knowing I was saving up for breast implants since my weight loss. Work and “looking normal” was my priority at the time. I finally started having a social life because of my boyfriend and going out and things seemed great. At that time I enrolled in dental assisting school and was very excited to become a dental hygienist eventually. I loved school, and my boyfriend and I were planning to get married and have kids so it seemed like a great career for someone who wasn’t “smart”. That year my boyfriend ended up going to jail, and I felt a little lost. Teeth weren’t really my thing, but it seemed like a huge success for someone who had been such a failure. My brother moved out of state for college, and I patched things up with my dad and moved back home with my parents.
They decided to support me while I went to school, but I continued to nanny and save up for implants. At 18 I got implants, but 3 months later had complications. At this time I was going to community college part time, no idea what I wanted to do as a career, but I set the bar VERY low.
It was almost half-a**ed. I was very insecure about having not gone to junior high or high school, so I completely avoided classes and just read the book at home and would show up for the exams. I got great grades but sometimes I took one class, sometimes 2… at 20 I got implants again and had the same complication. This was all very devastating. My social life was non-existent, I was never comfortable showing my stretch marks or letting anyone know I had lost so much weight, so I hid as much as possible, thinking someday I would look normal and then I would do all the things I wanted. I took two semesters off to save up and fly across the country to a specialist who performed a surgery technique that would prevent the complications I was having , so at 21 I had my 5th surgery.
When I came back I started taking classes like chemistry and biology which I had never seen before having stopped going to school in 7th grade. I absolutely loved them, especially chemistry and did really well. At the time I started meeting people at school ( forced to go to lab) and I realized I wasn’t that dumb after all. I was taking a full load, not working, but doing well. I loved everything health related, given my history of anorexia, bulimia, weight gain/loss and a recent diagnosis of lupus, I was really drawn to everything related to human health. I decided on nursing, but still had some doubts as to whether I was smart enough and when I told my family, they all agreed that I wasn’t but maybe I should become a nutritionist.
Clearly I had some confidence issues… a year and a half later I was ready to transfer where I planned on getting a biochem degree. I transferred with a 3.96 GPA from community college, 2 Ws, and quite a few gaps for trying to earn extra money for boob jobs. Anyways… got into a good school and continued to get good grades with the exception of a C in one quarter of physics. I realized, despite what my family said… I was smart enough to be a nurse, so I decided I would do an accelerated BSN afterwards… after doing some hospital volunteering and actually seeing what nurses do, I knew it wasn’t for me. I knew that I wanted to go to med school, but the confidence issue was certainly a problem.
I lived in my own apartment, and again never felt comfortable going out because of the weight loss body issues. I ended up being sort of reclusive again. My school has soooooooo many great opportunities for volunteering, student-clinics, research, clubs etc and I didn’t take any of them.
This past quarter I realized I blew it. Despite my childhood, I had ample opportunity when I came to this school to do well, but never admitted to anyone or even really myself that I wanted to go to med school. I think I was embarrassed to do so.
So I am now 25, and finally accept that there is no way to fix my body so that it looks “normal” and I am disappointed that I spent the last 10 years of my life obsessing over it. I could have, and should have owned the fact that I lost that weight and never been ashamed of it. That being said, I think it is natural for anyone whose body was ruined at such a young age, to want to feel good in their own skin, but I certainly took it too far.
Last two quarters, I think I had an actual quarter life crisis… never been to a party, never had any girl friends since I was 11, never been to a dance, a graduation, never a concert… haven’t been on vacation since I was 10… I spent the last 10 years of my life essentially working to fund boob jobs thinking it would change my life so drastically, that maybe if I had a decent rack the stretch marks everywhere else wouldn’t be so important… smh I don’t know. I certainly wish I had done the last 10 years differently, but Im sure we could all say that. I got depressed, dropped a class both times and moved back home with my parents so I wasn’t spending 7 days a week in an apartment alone. My university is two hour drive from my parents so its not too far.
As of now, PA school is the plan and of course I would be happy as a PA., but in order to become a PA I also have to get over the body issues anyways, get a job ( right now have an ER scribe job lined up to start in july), and do more volunteering. I love school, I would love to go to med school. I sound incredibly socially awkward but really I am not. I get asked out a lot, I just never go. When I did volunteer, everyone always told me how much they like me etc, so I think this would shock anyone who has ever met me. I just tend to avoid seeing the same people on a regular basis because I don’t want them to try to get to know me…
Wrapping it up…. Yea I know I sound like I have some issues and confidence is an important quality in a physician. Like I said, most people wouldn’t characterize me as having low confidence. I’ve never been called shy and considering I was once a girl who didn’t speak or leave me house for 2 years, I’m actually quite surprised that today I can stand up and give presentations in front of groups of people no problem and not be taking any medications.
So… I have a good GPA but if you scratch beneath the surface you see its not so pretty. My question is how do I fix this. Assuming now I am a fully grown adult ( although it took me longer to get there than some), who isn’t afraid to admit/show my past weight loss ( I’ll leave the rest of the story out), and no longer feels like a stupid junior high dropout, where do I go from here? Post-bacc doesn’t seem appropriate because I have a science degree and good GPA. Should I complete a master’s? There is a masters in nutritional biology at my school that sounds exactly like what I am interested in.Is that worth the risk? Perhaps my GPA goes down, but also from an adcom perspective, looking at my undergrad history they would say “ yea your gpa is high but anyone can do that when they aren’t working, volunteering, in clubs or doing research”. I feel like a masters is an opportunity to do research, I think Id be a great TA, and also do more volunteering. Its also incredibly expensive, but if it is my only choice, I will make it work.
I really just don’t know what to do next. Any advice is helpful. Anyone who made it to the end of this… thank you!
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The easy part: Given your outstanding GPA, either medical school or PA school would be appropriate for you. For either one, I would retake that physics course in which you got a C (and retake it at a 4-year school). Then if you want to go to med school, study folr and take MCAT if you have not done so already.
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The hard part: overcoming body image issues. Perhaps seeing a counselor or psychologist who specializes in body image issues would be appropriate. You might be able to work through I know this sounds cliche, but you do not have to let your past traumas affect your present or future endeavors. I am not trying to overly-sensitive here, just offering some advice. (And, I might be able to relate, for I, too, have body image issues related to being born premature with several underdeveloped organs, in the hosptal NICU for 4 months, 3 surgeries, lots of scars.)