Have any of you guys met strong resistance from your spouses regarding your pursuit of a new career?
My husband is very much against my decision to become a doctor and we have not been able to find any common ground. I am wondering if other people are in the same boat.
Thanks,
Adrienne
One of my friends stopped taking his pre-reqs because his wife couldn’t stomach the idea of living on diminished earnings while he was in school.
Yeah, my husband’s problems are primarily with the money it will take for me to stop working and go to school, not to mention the loans. And I totally understand that part of it, but I don’t think you should let money stand in the way of doing something you feel as though you were meant to do. He makes enough money to get us by, we would just have to change our spending habits significantly and live a MUCH more modest lifestyle.
He also says “doctors are never married to automation control techs”, which I find ridiculous. I’m sure there are plenty of you that are doctors or premeds married to people that are not involved in medicine as a career!!
Oh well. I guess I’ll just have to keep trying to help him understand where I’m coming from.
- adriennemarie Said:
Have any of you guys met strong resistance from your spouses regarding your pursuit of a new career?
My husband is very much against my decision to become a doctor and we have not been able to find any common ground. I am wondering if other people are in the same boat.
Thanks,
Adrienne
My husband is very much against my decision to become a doctor and we have not been able to find any common ground. I am wondering if other people are in the same boat.
Thanks,
Adrienne
Yes this was one of the "last things" to break up my last marriage ( She now regrets this though) I was told I could not pursue medicine because it would mean I would get time to "play" LOL Like this is easy, my current wife wanted me to go but now she is finding it hard to be poor until next year when I start residency.
anyway Its hard to give answers to you, I think you know your heart and what you should do, I for instance could never stay in a relationship where I held my spouse from their dream or they held me from mine, to me this is a terrible situation since we spend an enormous amount of time at work, it is part of who we are, for the person who is supposed to love you and want the best for you to not want you to be happy, well in my opinion that is a flawed relationship.
Just my feelings on this.
You have to decide your feelings on this, it does seem to come up a lot. BTW tell your Husband I'm married to a Waitress who is now a Staples employee. Most the Doctors I work with are married and some spouses work various jobs, 1/2 do not.
When I first told my wife that I wanted to go to medical school, she was not too keen on the idea. She was very concerned about not having too much control over what happens to us in addition to being concerned over monetary issues since we had, at that time, 1 child.
Fast forward to a couple of years ago when I was taking the MCAT and it was becoming a reality. I promised her that we will BOTH sit down and discuss the schools that I was going to be applying to. She is an editor and works from home, but her earnings are not very high due to the nature of the work and the fact that now we have 3 kids.
We looked for places where there was a community that the cost of living was not as high as where we were living at the time and that there was a nice community where our children can grow up in and where we could practice our religion (Judaism). In addition, we spoke to several financial aid people as well as coming to one of the Old Pre Meds conferences.
Today, I am a second year medical student. We were able to go to our families and ask for a little help with money, but we also sold our house and traded down so that we would not have to put such a high down payment and we can use the rest of the money as an allowance to supplement financial aid and her income. We also looked into lowering costs for everything (food, energy, etc). We do not go to lavish places to eat out and we pretty much use coupons for every restaurant we go to. I take my lunch to school every day, and we look for free events to take our kids to. The public library is a great resource.
You need to reassure your spouse that, while nothing is guaranteed, you would at least like to try. Reassure your spouse about his fears, and talk about them. Show him this website and encourage him to ask questions. Maybe when he sees that others are able to do it successfully, his fears will be assuaged.
- adriennemarie Said:
Yeah, my husband's problems are primarily with the money it will take for me to stop working and go to school, not to mention the loans.
This is one of the two most commonly voiced fears - and it is a very legitimate one! Medical training & education is DAMNED expensive and the student/resident will very very rarely be able to work extra to pick up extra cash. Lots of folks are delusional in thinking they can & will work on the side, but the reality is that you will be spending on the order of 80~100hrs/wk in med school & residency. There are ONLY 168hrs/wk leaving 68hr to divvie between sleep, food, family & the occasional bathroom break. PT work just is not a realistic option that can be counted upon for meaningful relief of financial pressure.
And, do not fool yourself that the money will flow during residency. I am now PGY-5 and have just this year exceeded what I made my final year as an RT back in 1998/99. However, I now 80+hrs/wk with a shitload of call & at least 2 orders of magnitude more responsibility vs the 6~7x 12hr RT. The bills pile up during school & residency. My school loans are approaching $270k (I went to a private school = more expensive)...that is not just a mortgage but one for a damned nice house!
You must be realistic & objective when you predict your ability to cover this financial obligation. As a double-specialist, I will have no trouble doing so, but that would not be true for all medical specialties. Had being a pediatrician been my calling, I would have hard time covering my loans + new house & what-not.
Do not minimize nor take lightly the financial burden of medical education & training. However, if (and only if) you guys can make a plan to cover this nut, do not let it persuade you to surrender your dreams. There are many ways to skin this cat & if you want it badly enough, you will do many things to proceed. Options that come to mind are national & state level grants/scholarship/loan programs, public health grants & loans and the military - laugh, but it is actually a superb gig IF you are willing to commit to the stipulations they represent.
- adriennemarie Said:
He also says "doctors are never married to automation control techs", which I find ridiculous. I'm sure there are plenty of you that are doctors or premeds married to people that are not involved in medicine as a career!!
This would also fall into the "top 5" category, in my opinion, of spouse/SO fears. "After you reach the lofty heights of physician-dom, will you still love/need old plebian me?" Do not lauch, because it is real. And do not minimize or marginalize your husbands concerns. Lots & lots of docs, for an infinite number of reasons, tend to trade in the 'home model' for something 'new & shiny' along the way - call it a trophy spouse/SO. It sounds horribly cruel, but to pretend the potential does not exist is the best way to allow it to creep upon your doorstep. My wife & I have a phenomenally strong marriage, but this pathway has stressed us all along the way and had us floundering on the rocks at the end of my internship. Had we not acknowledged the situation & worked our asses off to recover, I seriously doubt we'd still be married now. That is something I would deeply regret & all of this cool career crap is not even close to worth loosing my wife & girls - I did not even have to pause to assess that question.
Again though, it can be done. But, it can & will be hard, damned hard. And, it takes a deep & sincere committment from ALL PARTIES to succeed. Going to med school as a married/attached person (if you intend to remain that way) means, for all practical intent & purpose, that you are BOTH equally involved in this. You may get the shiny, cool degree, take all of the exams and do all of the kick-ass procedures, but your spouse/SO is working equally hard without all of the kudos & glamour.
As a couple, you will have to reach a compromise on how to attack this problem. Involve him in the process. Not only are two heads better than one, but it also reassures him that he is an integral part of the process. The only way to sell him on this is to make him equally invested in it.
i’m finding this is the norm for many non-trads. it’s not ever easy, and you may have to choose between your spouse and medicine. that said, take the advice of the other posters. develop a realistic, fact based plan that fully considers the impact to both of you 10 years out, then see if you can address his concerns and get his buy-in. it helps to write everything down–financials, concerns, pros/cons, etc.
- DRFP Said:
- adriennemarie Said:
Have any of you guys met strong resistance from your spouses regarding your pursuit of a new career?
My husband is very much against my decision to become a doctor and we have not been able to find any common ground. I am wondering if other people are in the same boat.
Thanks,
Adrienne
My husband is very much against my decision to become a doctor and we have not been able to find any common ground. I am wondering if other people are in the same boat.
Thanks,
Adrienne
anyway Its hard to give answers to you, I think you know your heart and what you should do, I for instance could never stay in a relationship where I held my spouse from their dream or they held me from mine, to me this is a terrible situation since we spend an enormous amount of time at work, it is part of who we are, for the person who is supposed to love you and want the best for you to not want you to be happy, well in my opinion that is a flawed relationship.
Just my feelings on this.
You have to decide what's best for you and your relationship. What I can tell you is I fully agree with DRFP. If your husband can't support you in this decision, where else is that happening in your relationship or is it? Maybe this is the only area and then it probably is just fear. You need to ask the tough questions of him and yourself. Is his resistance 99% fear based or is there some deeper issue in your relationship? If you get him enrolled in your plan can both of you sustain the effort it will take to keep the relationship going over the long haul? Are you both invested in the success of your relationship? You can always postpone and work on your relationship to strengthen it before heading off to Med school. There really are no guarantees. You could put your dream on hold and still end up divorced (and without your dream). I am speaking from experience here... I put mine on hold 16 years ago when I got the ultimatum, stayed with my ex and had 2 very wonderful children, a successful career, learned about myself and my interests and am now going back to school to 'finish' my dream and in a track I know I wouldn't have chosen with the limited awareness I had then. So, it's all good.
No matter what you decide, you know the people on this site will support you.
As an aside, I was just talking with my daughter about that time period (16 years ago) and one of the things that he put up as an argument was how old I would be when I finished. LOL!!!