Well, I think it is official… There is no way my husband is going to be able to get a job that pays anywhere near what he has been getting as a salary. He has a job offer now but it is 50% less than what he is making now. It is what he was paid over 10 years ago. So SADLY it looks like he his going to be staying here in Northern VA and I am moving alone with my kids to Blacksburg.
Needless to say, I AM CRUSHED BEYOND WORDS.
Ok, please let me hear from someone else who was separated from their spouse and everything worked out in the end. I guess I need some sort of encourgement not to give up my acceptance to VCOM for the sake of my marriage. We will be married 20 years this October.
SIGH
But Amy… have you guys looked at cost of living in Blacksburg and worked through whether you’d actually be able to make it on that salary? I KNOW the money situation - during my 2d year of med school my husband was laid off from his very good job and ended up taking a job paying him 1/3 what he’d been making before 
Now, he got a severance package that helped for the months he was out of work… and that hung around and turned into a “rainy day fund” for the times when we just could not make it on his salary… but we got through, and this was less than he was making when we moved into our current house 12 years previously - so the mortgage was a bigger chunk out of his paycheck than it had been when we moved here with little kids. It was HARD. (I use past tense 'cause he just got another job, still WAY LESS than what he used to make but MORE than previously, so we are excited!)
The other thing is - having a lot less money would be worth it to avoid being a single mom while in med school. I have known people to do it and it is extremely stressful.
Finally, is he so valuable to his company that he could arrange some sort of telecommute? Where he mostly works in Blacksburg, maybe comes up to No.Va. for a week out of every month or something?
I can’t give you personal perspective of doing this hard thing… I know from others that it can be done; I also know that those folks sure wished they could’ve done something else. Please don’t give up yet! There’s a few more months before this is a done deal, right?
Amy-
I think the blessing in disguise here is the fact that your husband DOES have a job offer in Blacksburg. I really think that there are many other options to consider prior to making this drastic decision, if lack of income is the primary condieration. Personally, I would take out as many personal loans that I could in order to keep my family intact. This has been a big topic on me and my wife’s dinner plate for the past few months…she’s mentioned that she would like to stay in TX w/kids, while I go and complete MS-1 at KCOM…ooooohhh noooo! I know for a fact that my success will be very dependent upon family support and there’s no way in hell that I could go without seeing my wife/kids for an extended time and then throw all the stress of medschool on top of that! She hides behind her reasoning that she wants our teenager to finish his Sr. year here in TX, when in reality she’s scared and doesn’t want to leave her comfort zone and move to unfamiliar surroundings, new job, and no family, which I can understand…and yeah…it would suck to have to finish Sr. year at a new high school, but the teen has stated that it will not be devastating and that he will live. Plus…for the greater good of all the family members…would it be fair to stress out my two youngest (4 & 6) because they miss their daddy? I guess what I’m leading to is when it comes to money vs. family, I would do anything possible to make the finances work over being split up for an extended time period. Is there anyway to downsize your finances? Sell a car and just get a “hoopty” to get you to school and back. Although this should be last financial resort, but how about cashing in some stock/401K to pull from when needed? Just know that you’re not alone with this situation. I hope it works out for both of us.
AmyB, that sounds just awful. I’m so sorry, you’re faced with this.
Four years apart from your husband will be hard…I think, much harder than living hand to mouth. Beyond the emotional stress to the marriage/family being separated from your husband/their father for the majority of 4 years, you also need to consider the stress of attending medical school (particularly during the beginning years) and being a single parent for all intents and purposes. Your children will be moving to new surroundings and will need more support/attention until they get acclimated to the new school, new friends, new home, etc. Not to mention, that you will have to set up a whole new arrangement (day care, school, teacher, after-school activities, sports, tutors)…Consider the nonmonetary costs of your husband staying behind.
I think you and your husband you should still consider taking the lower salary, and relying on loans a little more. It’s not the ideal situation, but neither is separating the family.
P.S. There is a book called something like the “Marriage Sabbatical” - the idea is that marriage serves men more than women…and women who were separated by their husbands and children for short periods of time (like a vacation or on weekdays) soon found they were happier. I’m actually not suggesting this for you, particularly bc you are the one taking the kids, so you’d be taking on more responsibility. But it just reminded me of this book.
Hi all,
Thanks for the responses. I am feeling a bit better since i wrote this thread this morning. I just got back from B-burg and it was an awful trip. I got sick in the hotel Sunday night and was sick until yesterday evening. I haven’t been that sick in years and years. Luckily my doc called in meds and we were able to drive home. It is awful to be away from home and get sick with a 4 hour drive home looming in front of you.
We have kicked the numbers around and around and see no way to do it with that salary. Mark is not going to give up looking. He has great contacts down there and they are all trying to help him. We just depend on his salary to pay bills we incured during my undergrad years. Since we lost my salary then, lots of things ended up on credit.
Mary, I couldn’t imagine him being laid off. I am glad you all got through that. It must have been ROUGH!!! I wish his company could do without him or could let him do his work from down there. He is the director of their biotechnology division so he has to be there unfortunetly. Your right, there is still time, so I am not going to throw the towel in yet. Perserverance to the bitter end!!!
Iwant2bmd,
I wish I could rely on loans, but I talked to my school today and I can’t get anymore money. She also said to finish med school with the least amount of loans is the best. Which we all know is true but is hard to do sometimes. I do need his support, but I am a very independent woman, so I would have that in my favor. I would worry about him being up here on his own while we are all 4 hours away. I know he would be very alone. He is going to continue to look for employment. He is considering doing consulting to 2 companies which would pay enough. Now to find companies that need him. I may check out the book you mentioned. Thanks for the suggestion.
Chris,
I know how hard it is to move with kids also. My son will be a senior in August. He is having a hard time dealing with a move so close to graduation. But he understands, and is willing to go with me and his sister (she will be in 4th grade).
But you are right, you do need the support of your family at your side. Of course without them, though you could study and not feel guilty. I guess it is a double edged sword.
I guess the bottom line to this is that OPMs have different issues that younger pre-meds have. They don’t face these types of problems and life altering decisions and that is why OPM is so important to us all. Thank you for being here!!!
Quote:
Well, I think it is official… There is no way my husband is going to be able to get a job that pays anywhere near what he has been getting as a salary. He has a job offer now but it is 50% less than what he is making now. It is what he was paid over 10 years ago. So SADLY it looks like he his going to be staying here in Northern VA and I am moving alone with my kids to Blacksburg.
Needless to say, I AM CRUSHED BEYOND WORDS.
Ok, please let me hear from someone else who was separated from their spouse and everything worked out in the end. I guess I need some sort of encourgement not to give up my acceptance to VCOM for the sake of my marriage. We will be married 20 years this October.
SIGH
Hi Amy,
I would borrow the extra money to make up the difference between the NOVA job and the new job in Blacksburg. As Mary said, the cost of living is much less than in NOVA. Housing costs are much less too. When I drive between Charlottesville and Salem, I get “sticker shock” just pulling into a gas station. Almost everything is much cheaper in this area. The four years will go by fast and he may find a better job within that that time. You are going to find that it is just not worth it to split your family.
Natalie
Quote:
I wish I could rely on loans, but I talked to my school today and I can’t get anymore money. She also said to finish med school with the least amount of loans is the best.
Hi again AmyB, I’m glad you feel better and that there may be a way to work out his employment so that you all can be together. I understand what the financial aid counselor is saying and agree that, ideally, you’d like to take out the least amount of loans possible. But you’re obviously not in the ideal situation since you’re faced with the trade-off of separating your family for 4 years or turning down your acceptance - I really don’t think that any of those should be options because of money issues. I know that money makes the world go round and you feel like you don’t really have a choice. But student loans are at the lowest rates in history and is foregoing that extra $5-10k really worth it.
I have a friend whose parents were married for 25+ years and got along quite well. The father moved about 2 hours away temporarily while opening an office for his company, and the wife stayed behind bc she did not want to lose seniority/pensionn benefits. At first, the separation was good for them bc they returned to having weekend dates, etc. But over time, they grew apart and got comfortable without each other. I don’t mean to suggest that your marriage or family is not strong enough to take it, but that kind of separation can really wreak havoc on you and the family. People do grow apart and you’ll be going through so many changes in the whole med school experience and it will be tough to really share it/go through it together if you’re separated by distance. I know you know your marriage/family best and can judge what you all are capable of, but it’s something to think about before making any decisions.
I don’t mean this in a rude way at all, but while it’s good to make thru med school with the least amount of loans, I believe it’s better to make it thru med school with your family intact.
You’re doing the right thing thinking about these things and I would continue to explore all options to keep the family together. I think it’s Mary Renard that often says, that she alone wasn’t the only one in med school, it was her husband and her kids too. For many OPM, medical school is a group/family effort.
I am so sorry things aren’t working out as you hoped Amy. I thought of another possibility if the separation is impossible to avoid tho. You said Blacksburg is only 4 hours from where you currently live. Would it be possible for your hubby to at least join you and the kids on the weekends? During the week I imagine you’ll be quite busy with school anyway and the 4th grader so I imagine not being with your hubby wouldn’t be that awful, but if you could at least spend the weekends with him then it wouldn’t be as bad…maybe.
Also you mentioned that your oldest isn’t looking forward to doing his senior year at a new school. If this is too personal please say so but why couldn’t he stay with your husband and then he and your son come out on the weekends? Or at least some weekends since hs sr’s often have a lot going on lol.
While neither of these suggestions would be ideal and hopefully your hubby will be able to get the consulting thing going so you don’t have to separate at all spending at least some of the week with your husband would be better than completely separating.
–Jessica, UCCS
Hi all,
We have kicked around the possiblity that my son finish his senior year here with his dad, but again the unknown pops here. If Mark gets a job then they would move down and that would mean my son leaves during his senior year which wouldn’t be good.
We have it figured out at least through the summer. Mark is staying here at a residence inn and we are moving down to b-burg. He is coming home on the weekends. Plus we have a 2 week vacation coming up in July. My daughter is dancing a solo tap dance at a National Competition at Myrtle Beach. I love the ocean!!!
And since Mark was driving an hour and a half each way to get to work. Now he will only have to drive 15 minutes each way. Then 3 1/2 hours home on Friday afternoons and then back up Sunday afternoon. He will actually be driving less time during the week because the inn is closer to his work.
He is going to continue to look. I wish I could say the money wouldn’t be a problem but we aren’t talking a few thousand here. we are talking much more than that. Believe me, I am not money driven, but we have a kid entering college in a year so that has to be thought about as well as paying bills.
I thank you all for all the suggestions. I have faith that it will work out in the end. I didn’t get this far to let this mess things up now. We will make it work. 
Thanks again to all here that responded.
Happy Easter
Assuming I can get my tuition paid, I’ll be separated from my family for 4 months, and don’t even want to do that. My husband will not even be able to work (legally) in the UK, so we will be VERY poor, but when he suggested staying in Texas to work, I couldn’t imagine it for two years!! I realize you guys won’t be across the ocean from each other, so it might not be as bad. I hope it all works out for you. Take care,
Kathy
Kathy,
I don’t know what your husband does, but a possiblilty for legal work in the UK is with the US government. The Navy has a headquarters in London, and there are also some bases about 40 minutes north of London. The better paying jobs require some sort of experience with the military, but there are other support jobs that anyone can take. It’s a longshot, but a possiblity. Check: www.usajobs.com
-Matt
Kathy,
I sure hope you all can figure out what to do so the ocean doesn’t stand between you and your husband. Perhaps he could get a temporary gov job. I also know American companies go overseas and sometimes have trouble finding people to go so they have to hire outsiders. Construction companies run into this problem. Have you all checked temp employee companies that handle overseas projects to see if anything is going on where you are moving?
Matt,
Thank you so much for that advice. We will check into it ASAP!! While we could live (like virtual paupers) on the financial aid (if approved!) it would be great if my husband could have some income! Thanks again, so much.
Kathy 
Kathy,
Let me know how it goes. I have some (not much) pull from London after 3 years there. If I can help at all with intros, whatever, let me know
-Matt
Hi Amy,
I feel for you, as I too will be going to med school alone, since my wife has elected to stay north. I can’t say I blame her, after all, we built a life in New England, all of our kids are up here, and both our extended families are here, as well as her job. I thought it would be unfair to insist that she leave all that behind just to make my life easier. Somehow, all of us in such a plight will see this through. Best of luck.