This is a tense time for folks waiting on waitlists or studying for the boards or preparing for finals, etc… so I went looking for some humor to post for you all. Enjoy
“Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!”
A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
“It hurts when I press here” (pressing his side)
“And when I press here” (pressing the other side)
“And here” (his leg)
“And here, here and here” (his other leg, and both arms)
So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong… "You’ve got a broken finger!
The CEO of a large HMO dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter shows him to a lovely villa, wonderful music, great views, full staff of servants, gourmet meals, etc.
The CEO says, “This is terrific!”
“Don’t get too comfortable,” says St. Peter. “You’re only approved for a three-day stay.”
Actual Answer from a Medical Student
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”
Medical Record Blunders
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that pen light?)
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!)
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)
The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient had a rash over his truck.
Dictation blunder: lasar radar response (as opposed to vagovagal response).
These are Docisms- What the doctor says to you, And then what they are really saying
1. “This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
2. “Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.
3. “Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
4. “Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
–or–
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.
5. “We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.
6. “Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
7. “Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
8. “I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
9. “I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
10. “If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
11. “That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.
12. “This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
13. “Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
14. “This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
15. “Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.
16. “I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
17. “Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me …
18. “There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.
19. “If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.
A Diagnosis in Doubt
A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The labrador sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.“
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650”.
”$650 to tell me my dog is dead !” exclaimed the man …
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”