Hi Guys,
I need some advice and some shoulders to cry on. I’m not a regular poster on this forum but I do visit every day. I am,therefore, confident you will give me some good advice. This is my situation:
I was all set to start working on my premed courses this fall when my husband (whom I thought was very supportive) rained on my parade.
He thinks if I am accepted to medical school, our relationship will be jeopardized. We have been married for 12 years and we have a pretty good relationship. He has mentioned several “fears” about me going to med school. He talks about the possibility of me leaving him once I become a doctor 
, I won’t be around for our children(ages 16 and 11) and the financial strain med school will put on our family.
I thought we had ironed out these issues but apparently they keep haunting him. I am now feeling very guilty, selfish and confused about what I should do. I have wanted to be a doctor since I was a freshmen in high school. I am now at a point in my life where I can start putting the wheels in motion to follow my dream. I don’t want to put a strain on my marriage, but I also feel if I don’t try to go to med school I’ll never forgive myself or my husband.
I know there are many married couples with families on this forum so I would appreciate some advice, words of encouragement, etc.
Thanks for listening.
I have to admit that when I told my husband about my dream, he was taken aback at first and worried about how we are going to pay for everything while I’m in school. But I told him that he had his chance to follow his dream, and now my position is just like his was way back when I worked to support HIM in school. His knee-jerk reaction was “but that was different.” I fired back, “No it wasn’t!” And a few minutes later- after some soul-searching thought, apparently, he sincerely apologized and said that I was right (!). And ever since then he has been incredibly supportive. I hope it lasts!
Could you start with your premed program and see how it goes? Your husband has valid concerns about the amount of time you will have for your family and finances. Your premed program will give you time to test yourself to see how well you can balance.
If your husband’s marital insecurity persists, perhaps you two need to see a counselor to work out issues in your relationship. He may feel that once you are “independent” (ie, self-supporting), you won’t need him anymore. He needs to know that money is not what you need from him; I think many men’s self-image is wrapped up in being a “good” provider for their families. When wives have more powerful and higher-paying jobs, husbands can feel threatened.
At any rate, you must do what you feel is best for your family. However, I will leave you with my deep thought for the day-
“If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”
Yours is a delicate situation. Money is a legtimate concern, and your hubby is correct to be concerned about it. The best advice I can offer is to contact the friendly med students on OPM and ask them how they handled finances. I’ve done this, and everyone has been very forthcoming about how they’re doing. Some have granted me wisdom through their mistakes.
In many cases, men feel inferior when they aren’t the primary breadwinners. If the wife is making more dough, then is he a kept man? No more than when a wife who earns less is a kept woman. But we’re not talking about a regular person; we’re talking about a man. I’m a man, so I know how we think. We’re insecure beasts who imagine the worst. (For the life of me, I can’t imagine why my Jennifer is with me. Can’t she see all of my glaring imperfections? )
Whoever suggested counseling was spot-on. If there are insecurities festering right now, they will only be magnified when you’re studying as a pre-med student.
The important thing to do right now is to continue to communicate about this and validate everything he has to say to ensure that he knows you’re really listening. But you have to ensure that he is giving you the same courtesies.
Good luck.
Savannah, you can PM me if you like. I went through those very same concerns with my husband when I started (and midway through!) my prereqs. My husband is now my biggest supporter as I apply to med school. He even brags about me! We have 3 kids and have been married 12 years as well, so I can understand the questions you are facing.
It CAN be done!
What Theresa said. I’m going to dash off a bunch of thoughts and they’re not going to be terribly well organized, but I hope there is something in here that you will find helpful.
I could write a book about this subject. My husband was VERY concerned. Truth is, so was I - I was really afraid that, as much as I wanted to do this, I’d leave him and the kids behind and I didn’t want to do that, either.
Talk LOTS. Then talk some more. It is natural to be afraid of the unknown, and that is what the two of you are looking at, because you just don’t know what it will be like. I can tell you that the time component of medical school hasn’t been nearly as awful as I expected, and we’ve had time to go on dates, do things with the kids, etc.
Point out that, since you’re starting prereqs this fall, you are just taking one step. Nothing is set in stone. You go into it with every intention of completing the course but this is just ONE STEP, you’re not yet committed to the financial, emotional, and time burdens of medical school YET. Both of you will keep talking about this as you continue.
Acknowledge that you are asking for blind support for a venture that is pretty scary-looking when you’re not in it. I don’t recommend the “trade-off” argument - whatever situation you were in earlier in your married life: that was then, this is now, and things are different. (for example, you didn’t have a teenager!) Acknowledge that you recognize and understand that, while you’re the one going to school, you’re asking everyone to do some work.
I have gotten pushback occasionally on this forum for saying this, but I’ll say it again: in many respects, pursuit of medical school when you’ve got a family is a selfish endeavour. By this I mean what I said in the previous paragraph: although it’s YOUR goal, it requires EVERYONE’s help to accomplish. There is no way you can do this without your husband’s and kids’ help. Be sure to state, frequently, how much you appreciate it and how much it means to you.
Try not to put your husband in the bad guy role of “vetoing” your dream. Although I do not know either of you, I will go out on a limb and say that I very much doubt that he wants to do that. Voicing his worries is entirely understandable, though, and it is important that you listen to him. I think we can have a tendency to hear those worries and extrapolate to: “Geez! He doesn’t want me to do it!” More likely he’s conflicted because he DOES want you to do it but doesn’t know how.
My husband and I established a routine of going for walks, at least one-half hour, almost every day, during which we hashed out these worries. Let me tell you that even after we’d talked about things a LOT, we still found more ways in which we weren’t exactly hearing each other and needed to plow that ground again. I can’t overemphasize the need to keep talking about this and spend a LOT of time making sure you are actually understanding what the other is saying.
Like I said, this isn’t a well-organized note but I hope there’s something in here of value for you. Just keep talking. You’ve got lots of time to figure it out!
I would strongly suggest going to counseling with your husband to explore his concerns and try to find a way that you can keep your marriage strong while still pursuing your dream. This lets him know that you are taking his concerns seriously, you care about his feelings, and that you want to make it work. Realistically, med school is going to put some strains on any relationship, and a good counselor can help you find positive ways to handle that. Another point to consider is that if you give up your dream to please your husband, that is bound to put a strain on your relationship too.
I want you guys to know that you are a GREAT support network. You have all given me some much needed advice and personal wisdoms that I really needed. Theresa I will “PM” you so we can talk about some more personal issues. Mary, your thoughts were well organized for my situation. You hit the nail on the head when you said don’t try to make my husband the bad guy. Deep down inside that is exactly what I have been doing. I know his concerns are legitimate and a big part of me knows he wants the best for me. He has never told me NOT to pursue my goal but when he voices his fears and concerns, I feel maybe I shouldn’t for the sake of my relationship and family. Ironically, I share the same concerns and fears. Counseling has not been ruled out. I had already considered it for other issues.
I am going to take this one class and day at a time. I thank you all so much for listening to my rambling.
I have to say all that advice is very good. Communicating is the most important part of a relationship. We talk all the time about things and its odd we very rarely ever fight! When we do its usally a huge blow out but in the end we always make up and don't carry excess baggage around.
My hubby is very supportive of me and has already told me when I get finished with med school he is going to retire!! 
He better talk to my uncle about retiring. He was a cop for 33 years and retired but ended up getting a job working at the funerl home driving the hearse. It kept him out of my aunts hair too
Hi there,
I was in the opposite boat: I was afraid that my fiance would leave me because of my commitment to medicine. When I was a graduate student, I had loads of time to do things like camping and sports events. After school started, it seemed that every waking minute is consumed by study or preparing for class. After graduation, internship kept me in the hospital up to 140 hours per week at times. Even my trips to the VA hospital in Salem, mean that I will be away from home for weeks at a stretch. It has been pretty difficult on Steve but he has hung in there and provided plenty of support.
Communication is a big key to keeping the relationship going. I had to be honest with Steve when the stress was getting too much for me and I would start taking things out on him. Believe it or not, having two beagles was pretty helpful for both of us because they needs attention and care. You can’t take yourself too seriously when one of them interrupts your study by dropping his “Squeaky Ball” in your lap for a bit of fun.
Change is very rough on any relationship and medical school will bring plenty of changes. I underwent a total lifestyle change but in the end, I have more options than ever. Steve enjoys having his own projects that absorb lots of his time so that the time we spend together is more quality than quantity. Keep the lines of communication open and share as much as possible. Marriage counseling is not a bad idea either.
Natalie 
I have also been married for almost 14 years myself. I’m fortunate that my husband was supportive from the beginning, as I had decided I would not even start back to school without that support. You had mentioned your husband’s fears and I understand. I would agree with the earlier post that counseling may be something to consider down the line. My husband has also expressed the fear that I will leave him after going to medical school. I had to listen to others explain that insecurity to me, because I just didn’t get it at first. Men seem very insecure about things that concern their “manhood” especially since most of their identity is tied up into their job and being the breadwinner. As it is, I have always made the most money in my relationship, so that issue was nothing new. It is definitely a selfish goal, but there is nothing wrong with being selfish. Women tend to give and give to those in their lives, so guilt over personal ambitions and needs is a big part of our lives. I hope his mentioning to you that going to school would jeopardize your relationship wasn’t done in a threatening manner, or manner to intimidate you. If so, then there would definitely be other issues at hand. I wish you the best of luck whatever your decision.
Kathy
OH! Kathy’s mentioning GUILT reminded me of the other thing I wanted to say in relation to this topic:
What I found when we’d talk was that at least some of the time, I would project MY fears, MY guilt, MY misgivings onto the things my husband said. So if he voiced a worry about whether I’d ever be home, I would immediately start feeling guilty… then defensive… then I’d conclude that he didn’t approve. Talk about jumping to conclusions! but guilt will do that for you - cause you to “hear” things that aren’t being said (or not hear what IS being said, or both).
In this case, Savannah, what your dh has actually SAID is, of course, that he is worried about your relationship and your family if you go to med school. What you HEARD was, “I don’t want you to do this.” See the leap that’s been made?
Hope that helps! In my case, these insights were bought at considerable time and expense with a great therapist but I hope you can benefit at no charge! 
Ladies, I just want to say that this is a fantastic thread and I’m thrilled that we have so much insight to offer one another, as well as support.
There’s nothing like knowing you aren’t the first one to tackle a difficult problem and that others have navigated it successfully.
Savnnah,
Thanks for your reply on MY post listed elsewhere about husband’s and their fears. How ironic that I replied to your original post and now I’m having problems with my own husband. I read through all of the replies to your post and they have offered really good advice. Some of the tension at home has ebbed, but its still 3am Friday morning prior to the MCAT and I do not want to psych myself out the wrong way because of this problem. Am renting a hotel room for Friday night for (hopefully) quiet time with conflict before driving to Denton in early am for test. 
Kathy
| QUOTE (Savannah @ Aug 7 2003, 03:06 PM) |
| Hi Guys, I need some advice and some shoulders to cry on. I'm not a regular poster on this forum but I do visit every day. I am,therefore, confident you will give me some good advice. This is my situation: I was all set to start working on my premed courses this fall when my husband (whom I thought was very supportive) rained on my parade. He thinks if I am accepted to medical school, our relationship will be jeopardized. We have been married for 12 years and we have a pretty good relationship. He has mentioned several "fears" about me going to med school. He talks about the possibility of me leaving him once I become a doctor , I won't be around for our children(ages 16 and 11) and the financial strain med school will put on our family. I thought we had ironed out these issues but apparently they keep haunting him. I am now feeling very guilty, selfish and confused about what I should do. I have wanted to be a doctor since I was a freshmen in high school. I am now at a point in my life where I can start putting the wheels in motion to follow my dream. I don't want to put a strain on my marriage, but I also feel if I don't try to go to med school I'll never forgive myself or my husband. I know there are many married couples with families on this forum so I would appreciate some advice, words of encouragement, etc. Thanks for listening. |
Your leaving him once you get your MD indicates that he has some insecurities that need to be dealt with or that his view of the status quo isn't as optimistic as yours is. I'm not really sure what you can do to ally those fears other than talking things through and perhaps having a good counselor talk things through with you both.
At any sort of a reasonable pace, it's going to take you two years to complete your premed prerequisite courses if you don't have any of them completed. By that point, your oldest child will be 18 and ready to go to college himself and your younger child will be 13. By the time you graduate from medical school and enter your residency, both your children will be in college. So perhaps instead of looking at this as "you won't be there for the children" he should focus on the fact that the kids won't really need you as much as they will have reached adulthood themselves.
Finances can be a real obstacle to going to medical school later in life (and the implications go far beyond can I pay the tuition for four years). The financial strain is something that you need to look at honestly, especially if you're currently working and doing your prerequisite courses and entering medical school will result in the loss of one income stream. Can you guys budget and make it on one income? How is this going to affect your saving for retirement? How is it going to affect saving for the undergraduate education of your children? How long a working career will you have when you graduate from medical school? These are all questions that need to be examined very carefully and you need to come to realistic conclusions. As far as medical school itself, student loans will take care of that and if you have a long enough working career, paying them back will not be a problem.
Good luck!
It’s funny that Mary mentioned projecting your fears on your spouse… I did this too… I was convinced that for the longest time that since my husband wasn’t jumping up and down doing the go back to school cheer that he didn’t want me to go at all… I was CONVINCED… totally… it was a conspiracy…
It turns out that that wasn’t the case at all…
I don’t think that my husband is afraid of me leaving him after I get out of med school… I just asked him… and he said he wasn’t afraid of it… of course, this only comes after 4 months of intensive couples and individual therapy that I feel like I can speak this frankly with him…
It’s important that you communicate directly with your husband… Ask him direct questions… If you aren’t convinced that he means what he’s saying or he means something else… ask him. Be matter of fact… The only way we can find out what our spouses think is by asking them… Additionally, we can’t expect them to read our minds or vice versa… communication is the only way.
Of course you will meet a lot of interesting people along the way… Make your marriage strong, so that it’s not an issue. Spend time with each other away from the kids… start dating each other… do things together that don’t involve chores and television… talk to each other…
As far as money goes… I think quitting working and going back to school for ANYONE is hard… but especially for couples with kids. Your kids are old enough to be shouldering some of the burden of their own expenses (IMHO). let them get summer jobs/after school jobs to pay for their clothes or dates or whatever… There are a million ways to cut your expenses between now and then…
I knew that I wanted to go back to school badly… I also knew that we were in debt and had all kinds of expenses every month… I started making major advances a year and a half ago trying to cut down our expenses… getting rid of debt… selling stuff that we didn’t need… getting rid of car payments… if you want it… make it happen… a lot can happen when we set our minds to things… I’m not saying that things are not tight now… I quit my job a few months ago and it is tight… BUT, if I hadn’t done all of those things (some of which I’m still doing) to cut our expenses, I wouldn’t be going back to school full time in 5 days…
As yucky as sit-down-life-change conversations are with spouses… it sounds like it might be time for one… the key is that you both are in this TOGETHER… you make the decisions together… you do things together… it’s very important…
take care!
Andrea