I finally finished my undergrad degree in 1990, after changing majors when I realized that I lacked the academic tools (and the GPA) for medical school. It had been my lifelong dream to be a doctor; unfortunately, my “smartness” did me in, as I never learned good study habits or focus as an undergrad.
Five and a half years ago, I joined this site after deciding to investigate my possibilities. I had four children (soon to be five), a so-so career in computers, and a desire to go to medical school and succeed. I knew I could do well in school, having gone back to earn a second bachelors degree in CS and getting a 3.93 GPA while earning the degree in two quarters – taking 20 (!) hours the first quarter and then 28 (!!) hours the next.
But I’m 48, and my wife simply is not willing to see me spend 80 hours a week for the next eight years, losing (as she supposes) the opportunity to be with my family while the kids are still at home and plunging us into longer and more urgent financial crisis. She sacrificed her own career to stay home and make our home with our children, and now she thinks it’s my turn to sacrifice and not ask such an outrageous price from her and the kids. So I put my MCAT materials up on Craigslist.
I decided I would go to med school if I could get in by the time I was 50. I see no real chance that will happen now. So I need to reset my sites, quit obsessing about medical school as I have done for the past 5+ years, and move on. Bummer. I would have made a great diagnostic radiologist, or maybe a cardiologist. (No surgery, thanks.)
Been nice chatting with you folks. Best of luck to everyone. I probably won’t go away totally; this place is somewhat addictive. But I do think I need to stop the dreaming and musing and mooning and fantasizing about something that simply isn’t going to happen. I love my wife more than I love the idea of being a doctor. If I have to choose – and it appears I do – then the choice was made long ago, when I forewent medical school by changing majors in 1988.
Again, best of luck. In the vanishingly small chance that this dream comes back to life in the next 18 months, I’ll let you know.
Spoxjox,
I’m sure it’s tough to be in that situation, and I do not blame you for deciding to do what is best for your family. Good luck with everything and please don’t stray to far from this site 
Personally, I’d rather have a very busy husband than a resentful/bitter one, but that’s just me. Of course, I’m the same person whose first marriage ended due in large part because my educational goals weren’t supported, so maybe I shouldn’t comment here at all, LOL!!
I said all that to say that there is another less “tasteful” side to not supporting the goals and dreams of a loved one, and that it may be helpful for the nonsupporting spouse to “see” it without the risk of living it.
It would definitely be difficult to be in that situation…no matter what direction you go, someone is upset about it. I feel for you. I’ve thought a lot this semester about what happens if I actually don’t get in. It’s really never occurred to me that it wouldn’t happen. I’ve tried to think about how I would feel going back to just writing software every day. It’s tough.
Family is important though, and I hope that you’re able to come to terms with the decision. Best of luck.
My heart goes out to you for having to make that choice, but try not to second-guess yourself. It’s difficult enough, even with spousal support; probably impossible without it. Nobody ever regrets spending too much time with their family. Best of luck to you and please check in from time to time. Your experience and insight are still valued here.
Spox,
That was by far the most inspiring statement I have seen on OPM. As a single man, I can only hope to someday be as dedicated and loving as you are towards your wife and children.
Best wishes to you and your family in all the adventures you experience together.
spoxjox, I was so sad to read this and to think about how hard the discussions leading to this decision must have been, both the ones you had with your wife and the ones you had with yourself. When the choice is between two things that you love and care about, however, the death of one dream will only support and nurture the other.
Perhaps there is some way you can be involved in medicine or research in the future…some friends, for example, suggested Genetic Counseling if I wanted a less consuming but prospectively high-demand career. Anyhow, that’s probably too soon to think about. In any case, my heart and prayers go out to you.
I am sorry to read that your dream is something you have to forget. I too have a wife and kids. In a situation similar to yours I would probably make the same choice. Thank god, I still have the support of my wife (but it doesn’t mean this won’t change).
What is important is to be happy. My dad always said that the best decisions in life are also the hardest.
Good luck to you and don’t disappear.
Ditto to all of the kind words that have already been said. I’m hoping that with 20+ years of career left that you will find some compromise that lets you pursue your obvious love of medicine and also be the dad and husband you want to be. Sending best wishes your way.
Hey Spox, sorry to hear that you had to make probably the toughest decision ever to give up a dream. However maybe I should say ignore it or put it on hold, because its a dream and won’t ever really go away. Do what you can in the interim years to keep moving forward on it…an occasional class, practice mcats, etc. You never know when the opportunity to front burner that dream may occur. All my best and don’t be a stranger.
- pathdr2b Said:
I said all that to say that there is another less "tasteful" side to not supporting the goals and dreams of a loved one, and that it may be helpful for the nonsupporting spouse to "see" it without the risk of living it.
Well said pathdr2b! I think uncompromising spouses have probably derailed more pre-med dreams for non-trads than all of the adcoms combined.
BTW, good luck on your upcoming MCAT.
This does present a difficult issue. You finished ugrad in 1990 so 21 years later, are your first four children still at home? Would it be possible to balance both the family and medical school?
You titled your post, Thus Dies the Dream, but I strongly sense your pathos, sadness, and it is clear that your “Dream” has not died at all, but is just languishing and hoping for a rejuvenation.
I sincerely hope nobody thinks my reply is attempting to intercede in a private family / interspousal matter – yet you did post the concern in a way that I feel compasionate to share my feelings with you. . .
I am a street-savvy old gal and grew up with the belief that anything is worth a try because in the famous urban east-coast saying: “What could it hurt? !!” AKA What do you have to lose?
Studying a bit more for the MCAT and taking the exam will tell you how well you can do on it.
Even if you openly or clandestinely fill out the AMCAS and send in a few apps, again: “What could it hurt?”
At least, then you will have much more knowledge than you do today.
NOT TRYING will never give you a choice.
Trying will give you a choice to make.
Also your wife has many resources available to her, in the form of spouses of medical students organizations. Some schools such as the three leading Caribbean SOMs have very strong, active spouse organizations, childcare centers on campus, special schools for children of medical students, where parent/students say they can visit for lunch even ! It would pay to research it much more, than to simply abandon the great dream you have worked so hard to attain – just before you find out whether you could do it.
Best wishes for your dream! Never say never, and the sooner the better. . .
- TicDocDoh Said:
- pathdr2b Said:
I said all that to say that there is another less "tasteful" side to not supporting the goals and dreams of a loved one, and that it may be helpful for the nonsupporting spouse to "see" it without the risk of living it.
Well said pathdr2b! I think uncompromising spouses have probably derailed more pre-med dreams for non-trads than all of the adcoms combined.
BTW, good luck on your upcoming MCAT.
Thanks for the good luck wishes and for responding to my post.
I was starting to feel like a woman all alone on a deserted island with just her MD dreams to keep her company, LOL!!!
I'll end this post with my Father's last words in the weeks before he died of cancer. He spoke many regrets, but the one that stands out is his regret that he didn't finish Law School of all things. I'm also reminded of my Godmother who passed away from cancer last year and her very last words to me after she said "I Love You". She said these 3 words which essentially revitalized my commintment to medicine: Finish Medical School.
Death is a hellva reminder to live out our lives to the best of our abilities, but I guess God will keep "speaking to you" until you listen.
And my apologies to the agnostics and atheists in the room.
- In reply to:
. . . these 3 words which essentially revitalized my commintment to medicine: Finish Medical School.
Death is a hellva reminder to live out our lives to the best of our abilities, but I guess God will keep "speaking to you" until you listen.
@ Path Dr 2 B - - Beautifully said. Thank you! We are very lucky and unusual to have people in our lives who care so much, to encourage us so strongly and try to make sure that we don't miss out on our dreams!
In the absence of such a parent or godparent as you have fortunately had, it is something I have to remind myself, and be my own best advocate.
I was ridiculed by rich and self-centered white-haired male doctors AdCom interviewers when I was 20 because, as they said:
"We don't want any girls here, all you want is to MARRY a [male] doctor! And then you would leave."
And "We don't take any females!"
And: "Any female we consider must be 10 percent BETTER THAN the BEST MALE!" [But as many of us from that era know, a lot of us WERE at least 10 percent better! Most of the guys in my pre-med classes who had GPAs of 0.5 lower than mine were accepted all over the "ivy league" med schools. But not the girls!]
And on and on and on.
The stinging pain and utter shock and blinding confusion of having worked so hard, to be told "You are not welcome: Sorry, wrong plumbing!" remained with me, so bitter that I could taste it, for decades after.
So after a lifetime, nearly, of being productive in a variety of fields in healthcare -- but sadly, never a doctor -- Now, guys, is it finally my turn? I think so.
Lesson to be learned: There are enough people out there who are nay-sayers, that we cannot thrive if we are a nay-sayer of our own aspirations.
Thanks for everything OPMers do for each other here!!!
Thanks to everyone for all the kind words, and for not making fun of my overly dramatic post. 
- DrQuinn Said:
The oldest is just leaving home this year; the youngest just turned 5.
- DrQuinn Said:
Again, please forgive the drama. I come by it honestly; I inherited it from my mother.
You are right, in that I have given up in my mind, but my heart is not quite there yet.- DrQuinn Said:
I am a street-savvy old gal and grew up with the belief that anything is worth a try because in the famous urban east-coast saying: "What could it hurt? !!" AKA What do you have to lose?
Studying a bit more for the MCAT and taking the exam will tell you how well you can do on it.
Even if you openly or clandestinely fill out the AMCAS and send in a few apps, again: "What could it hurt?"
Thanks for the advice. I'm not offended at all. I have considered doing exactly what you suggest, and I haven't completely ruled it out: Continue studying and reviewing on my own, take the MCAT some time this year, and just see what happens.
Thanks again for all the well-wishes.