If you really need these types of warning labels, please do not apply to medical school:
On a Sear's hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be... how???)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(well it's a little late now isn't it!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(and you thought????)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds
with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and I'm taking this because???)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious...what's the other use?)
On Sunsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(wow, talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or private parts."
(Oh wow...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan warns:
"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.
(No way! Are you kidding me?)
A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns:
"Do not drive with sunshield in place"
(Whoa, dude, Great idea.)
A unique wind-proof beach towel advises users:
"This towel has been tested to withstand significantly strong winds.
But please be advised that during a hurricane or other severe weather conditions this product
should not be used to secure yourself or anything of value."
(Right, like if I'm in the midst of a hurricane I'm going to tie myself down with a towel)
A label on a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn at an ice capades event says:
"Caution: This is not a safety protective device"
A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to:
"Remove child before folding"
(Really? But the kid would be much more compact that way!)
An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions:
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks"
(Ya, great idea)
A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use:
"While sleeping or unconscious"
(But wouldn't it feel good to sleep with that thing in use?)
A cartridge for a laser printer warns:
"Do not eat toner"
A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns:
"Not intended for highway use"
(Shoot, and that's the only vehicle I own)
A Holmes Bathroom Heater says:
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms"
(Then where do I use it?)
A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users:
"May irritate eyes"
(And what else would it do besides that?)
A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says:
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
(Wow, I'll have to remember that one.)
A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions:
"This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
(No, really? I had no idea.)