Yesterday I e-mailed the Dean of my #1 choice to see if I can sit in on a class and let him know that I am postponing my MCAT until at least August. He asked me to let him know my score when I get it.
He just e-mailed me advising me that I should concentrate on my grades and it is premature to sit in on a class (I agree and I am). but what floored me is that he still feels that I would be better of at a PA program. Now I am really bummed.
I feel that my past will never be gone and that it will haunt me forever and I will never achieve what I set out to achieve.
I have a solid GPA in graduate school, all while working full time and raising a family. I am defending a thesis, I plan to do well on the MCAT.
Funny, because this is the same guy who told me after looking at my current grades that he is convinced that I can do the work.
Why the mixed messages?
I am sooooo bummed.
Does the past ever go away? 
Technically no… the past never goes away… it will always haunt you… but let me elaborate…
The things that cause us pain or we wish had never happened will always be there…
Will you someday surpass your old grades and get in to school…? most likely…
The most horrible thing about being a premed is the feeling that your entire future relies on your past and the decisions are in someone else’s hands and there’s nothing else you can do…
All I can say to that is… yes, the decision may be in someone else’s hands… but yours aren’t actually tied…
Persevere… Determination is everything…
Hi. 
Here are some things to think about. Hope my comments help you.
1) Your past will never be gone until you let go of it. I wasn’t there when you had conversations with the Dean, and I haven’t read your email exchanges with him. So, I don’t know what causes you to believe that it is your past that the Dean considered when he gave you the advice he did. In my opinion, it sounds like the Dean is keeping an open mind because he asked you to tell him your scores once you get them. The fact that the Dean advised you to focus on your grades is not inconsistent with believing that you can do the work required in med school. A coach will tell his best player on the team to focus on what’s in front of him, not on what it will be like when he wins the game. Don’t equate the Dean’s advice to focus on your current classes and the MCAT as a criticism of your past academic performance.
2) In your post, you do write that the Dean said “he still feels that I would be better off at a PA program.” That is certainly a clear statement of the Dean’s position. It sounds like he’s said this to you before. But his statement doesn’t tell you anything about why he feels you’re better off in a PA program. Has he ever said why he thinks PA is better for you? If he did say why, ask yourself if you’ve addressed his concerns. If you have, then he just doesn’t see it and might not ever. There’s an old biblical saying, “A prophet knows no honor in his own home.” I might not have quoted it exactly right, but the gist of it is that people with whom you have a history won’t necessarily see or believe the new things about you that you present. If the Dean didn’t ever say why he thinks you’re better off a PA, it would be worth your while to ask him why he holds that opinion. It might not be because of your academic record but because of your family obligations (which I think is wrong-headed, but the Dean is entitled to his opinion). It might be because he senses uncertainty, lack of confidence, or anxiety on your part when the two of you discuss grades and admissions standards. You won’t know his reasons until you ask him. If you are not able to distance your ego from his comments, you might want to ask him after the semester/MCAT rather than before.
3) What comes across in your post is that YOU feel badly about your past performance and YOU see it as still being a hindrance in your pursuit of med school. Let go of that thought. It’s unproductive. When you find yourself harboring it, tell yourself it is NOT TRUE. Remind yourself of your accomplishments.
4) Lastly, let go of the idea that your #1 school is your #1 desire. I know: easier said than done. But you will be better off doing it. Remember the Olympic skater who won the gold because “she knew she wouldn’t win it” so she went out on the ice to have fun and skate her heart out? For her, that moment was about being a skater and not an Olympic Gold Medalist. So, focus on being a doctor and not a ‘doctor from #1 School.’ Study your heart out for your sake and not for the school.
Stay the course. Good luck.
anita
Anita,
Beautifully written.
This is the thing, the past is what brought us to where we are.
Good and bad help to steer our path. I hope that we learn from what we did or what went wrong. If you show confidence in your course (“stay the course”) it will show. Focus on doing your best and focus on what is in front of you and you will achieve what you want. Don’t let other’s opinion be your opinion form your own decision based on infromation from others but the decision is yours. 
This is why I love this group.
To answer some questions, I don’t have my heart set on any school in particular, I have my heart set on becoming a Doctor.
I made a big step this week in telling my boss what I am pursuing and she is even going to write me an LOR. This is good because I conduct animal studies which includes performing surgery on them and taking care of them, which I am pretty good at.
I am following all of your suggestions. And thank you all for your words of wisdom, I try not to let me past get me down, it is something that time will heal. And you are correct about being frustrated about not having any control of my future.
Again, Thanks to all for your words.