So my grades are in and while they are definitely better than my 2.7 gpa a whole year ago, I am holding steady at a 3.6. The problem is most of my A’s came from core classes. My science classes were as follows:
OChem 2-B
OChem 2 lab-B
Genetics-A
Genetics lab-A-
Comparative vertebrate anatomy-B
Comparative vertebrate anatomy lab-B+
I took a hard look at what was hindering me from my full potential and I realize a lot of it is due to fear of failure. While I have controlled my learning disability with meds I noticed that sometimes I wouldn’t take them due rationalizing that they wouldn’t make a big difference. A year ago when I was at UCSD I would take the meds as prescribed, study properly by studying ahead of time and not procrastinating, only to find me getting majorly C’s. So now even though I’m doing better at my new school it almost feels like I have PTSD from everything I have gone through in my life. Because the semester before I started at UCSD I was able to achieve a 3.9. So basically every time I feel confident it just feels like it’s only a matter of time before something brings me down. I have experienced that too many times in my academics and I’m afraid to feel that way again. Do everything right, do very well, only to find in the end I didn’t succeed anyways. Sorry for the long vent guys. But do you have any words of advice or tips in dealing with this fear of imperfection? In all honesty I really hope it’s not “you are not fit to be a doctor” because this forum is almost my only form of life support I have left in this journey and also that’s all I have been hearing lately but if so I appreciate the honesty. Sometimes I really wish there was something else out there that I am really passionate about or just as passionate about but unfortunately I keep coming back to this place. Also would it be advantageous for me to get a medical school consultant at this time considering my complicated case? Maybe I’m wrong for being this hopeful but I honestly don’t know how else to live my life. Thanks for listening 
Don’t worry about venting on here in the forums, many listen and more importantly many have similar struggles and stories that can relate to yours.
I for one can relate due to a bad habit that I have with perfection. Don’t you think its odd that one attempts to be perfect in the one thing that brings meaning and passion to their life. For example, being a mother, an athlete, a doctor, etc.
If there is something that you’re dreading failure in; well it is that very thing that you are most obsessed with being perfect in. I have felt this way many many times. I’m continually getting better at it but the attitude still lingers ever so close.
My advise is talk to, share your thoughts and fears with those that know you the best. Its better to have an objective look at how you are doing in your academic work than stressing and worrying about it yourself, which is an emotional dead end I assure you.
I personally do not think that B’s in your science premed classes will nullify you from becoming a physician nor do I think an ever going battle with fear of failure will also. Think about it for a sec, there are many a physician that have become one with sub par grades and MCAT scores. It is this very self defeating mentality that fuels the thought that, “if I’m not perfect then I’m not cut out to be a doctor.” Trust me there have been many that have thought this at one time or another.
In addition, just to add insult to injury what you feel about yourself academically while perusing this goal has an impact as well. Ironically, your subconscious is attempting to protect you by continually telling you that only the best of the best, brightest, and humanitarian noble laureates have what it take to become a physician. So since you are none of the above then you should leave it to the professionals son.
This kind of self-defeating, self talk is what I believe eliminates the fast majority of premeds even before they apply. Don’t become just another statistic. Dedication and a plain visceral drive to succeed at something that you have a passion for often and more times than not has carried one to greatness than brains or genius alone ever could. If this is something you want and I mean really; to the point that anything and everything is put to the side for the one main objective than there is very little that will, rather CAN stop you in achieving this.
The great eliminator of some of these potential “I want to be a doctor” types is a negative and self defeating compromise. So what if you get a B, hell so what if you get a C (just don’t get too many 
) and if you get an MCAT of 25… Don’t fall in to the trap of telling yourself that you must not be cut out for this cause you didn’t get a 4.0 and a 45.
Oh and be ever so weary of how this fear of failure can affect you in your studies. I believe there is a post on here regarding the reasons that we procrastinate. Fear is of failure is one of them. Again, an automatic way of mental and emotional self preservation.
Glean what you will and I hope it helps.
Cheers!
Hey persistantpremed (and you ARE!)
Sounds like you’ve identified one thing that you could change --go back to taking your meds regularly. And why you didn’t - the emotional impact of your negative experience at your previous school. But you haven’t identified something to do about THAT, and I think perhaps a learning specialist/counselor could help with that. Not sure where you could find one. Our med school has two psychologists in their learning resource center, having realized that sometimes its a combo of emotional and academic reasons why someone is having difficulties. I’ve gone there quite a bit -trying to figure out why I was “shooting myself in the foot” by not staying on task while studying so I end up pulling and all-nighter, and doing not as well as I could have with more disciplined study. Sometimes you need that outside observer input.
If you have this medical passion within you (and it sure sounds like you do), then you already possess the MOST necessary ingredient for success: dogged persistance
But apply that intelligently: figure out what needs to happen differently in your prep for oourses, write it down (maybe at the top of your white board, if you’ve got one)and keep working on it.
I still procrastinate, watch a show on Netflix instead of doing the studying I should, spend too long on message boards (ahem!). But what I have done that is successful is map out what I need to get done for the day, give myself 1 hr break after 4 hours of studying, and schedule a little time off. We’re not automatons and it’s necessary to treat yourself like a human being, with both needs and frailties. I may not be perfect but I’m good enough and smart enough (nod to Stuart Smalley).
Be encouraged. An A-, B+ or even a B is not the end of the world!
Kate
I have similar tendencies. What helps me is to remind myself to focus on the process itself rather than clinging onto the outcome. It pertains not only to studying but to life in general. Being overly attached to the goals removes me from the present and creates anxiety due to so many unknown variables…
Thank you so much for replying and it’s good to know that I am not alone with this FoF. Sometimes I feel like it can be my best friend as it makes me strive for the best but at the moment it is my worst enemy as it puts a heavy weight on my chest. It makes me not want to strive at all sometimes. Sometimes I get so afraid that I rationalize and say to myself, “I won’t study because at least then if I do well then great! But if I don’t then oh well it is not because I am not smart enough it is because I didn’t study. No hard feelings.” I know this is wrong but it almost feels like my little wall of protection from getting hurt. Thank you so much for your advice as well, I will really try to implement better strategies in moving past this part of my academic life. I think talking it out maybe with even a professional may help. But I really need to make a better effort to fight off the past and the bad vibes. What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger right?!
Thank you so much for replying Kate! I think I am going to see a therapist potentially especially since my dad has good health insurance that will cover my trips there. Hah. Medicine has always been my passion. I remember when I was younger like 3 or so, I use to treat my doll Ann-Ann as a past time. I have always just wanted to help people by healing them or taking care of them when they are sick. I have been lucky to receive that kind of care through all the times I have been sick or hospitalized. And as for a white board I’m actually going to order a 3x4ft white board for biochem and a smaller one to help organize my tasks. Time off from studying is something I need to learn to discipline myself on more. Hah. Again thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I value them very much. Also in a previous post of mine you were talking about a postbacc program that you thought might be helpful to me. Could you let me know about it if you had any more info since I tried looking around on the web and I couldn’t find anything on it. Thanks so much!
Hi gala! It sounds like you read me like a book with this. You were right on the money with everything everything you said. Hah. You are right because I have a tendency to focus on outcomes instead of enjoying and experiencing the process. Yea, I tend to “suck the fun out of a lot of things” as my boyfriend would say since he noticed as well that I get overly anxious about things far ahead in the future. But sometimes it’s so hard to relax you know? It almost feels like my life depends on it, in the moment at least. But it’s nice to know that there are people like me out there and are successful in overcoming their fear of failure. It gives me hope. Thanks so much again, I greatly appreciate it!
Tomorrow doesn’t exist. Treat today as the only one you have. If you don’t believe me, ask anyone who worked on the site at 9/11. I can only do what I can only do in this minute, this hour, this day. The remainder is irrelevant.
persistantpremed -
I’m not sure which post you are referring to. I know I mentioned to someone a special program at Marshall university designed to help medical students who have learning diabilities/ADHD. Took me a while to track it down, but it is called the Medical H.E.L.P. program. It’s pricey --but I know 3 students who have gone thru it. One before med school on the suggestion of the school because her writing score was so low on her MCAT’s - they admitted her but recommended this to work on her writing learning disability. The other 2 each failed out of a year of med school and were told they could repeat the year if they would do this program to help them get past the challenges they had academically. The web page about it is : http://www.marshall.edu/help/medical/
Then the aamc has a web site for postbaccalaureate premed programs (standard programs to help you complete the prereqs and get a good science foundation for medical school). Their web site is: http://services.aamc.org/postbac/
I went to UVA’s post-bacc program and found it really excellent although quite tough.
Kate
Thank you so much for responding! The 9/11 part really brought things into perspective. I never thought of that possibility. It’s kind of scary but oh so very true. I guess the saying, “Live today like it’s your last” holds more meaning than I thought before. Lately I’ve been so busy buzzing away about 2-3 years from now I never sat down to think about tomorrow. Thanks so much for your words of wisdom, they really shed light on certain things I should really think about
Hi Kate thanks so much for helping me find it! It was the Marshall one that I was referring to because you had mentioned that to me in a previous post. I am really interested in that program especially after having a chance to look over the website. I feel like I matched all their criteria for learning disability and the unfortunate outcomes of having one. I am planning on calling them sometime soon because in all honesty I have no study skills. Taking this program before medical school could make a world of a difference. Especially since they offer help with the low self esteem issue. Would you think it would be advantageous for me to do this program prior to medical school? Or should I wait and see? I am scared to wait and see because I’m scared to fail again. Hah. Thanks for everything Kate you truly are an angel!
I would strongly suggest it BEFORE medical school. The speed at which the material comes at you in med school is unbelievable. There is insufficient time to begin working on ways to get past a learning disability when you are in the thick of it. The student I know who did it BEFORE starting med school on the recommendation of the admissions committee credits it with her success first year. Have heard NOTHING negative from the 3 people I know who did it. For one of them, it increased his reading speed times 4 as well as teaching him how to memorize (a vital skill!).
Kate