Hello everyone,
I’m new to this forum. I’m 37 years old, divorced and have a ten year old daughter. I have been in a serious relationship for the last 8 years with someone who just began a fellowship… Please forgive my long post, but I feel like I’m stressing myself out with this decision.
When I was an undergrad, many, many years ago, I took a major detour and went through a very rough period. I was busy working out issues from a strict upbringing. In short, I was a bad student and destroyed my transcript. Fortunately, during the last year of undergrad, I pulled myself up and graduated. Shortly thereafter, I began working at a pharmaceutical company. After a few years of working, however, I wasn’t satisfied. I realized I did myself a huge disservice. I had this burning desire to go into medicine and help people, despite my abysmal track record. So, around the time my daughter was one, I began doing an unofficial post-bac while working. The hole that I had dug myself was very deep, so I undertook one of the world’s longest post-bacs completing 120-quarter units. However, I discovered that I loved being a student and regained my confidence in the sciences. I performed well, with the exception of one quarter when I was going through a nasty divorce.
For the most part, I’ve closely guarded my dream. I’ve only shared what I’ve been doing with close family and friends for fear of failing and being judged harshly. Some people have said, " Why not consider being a PA? Or how about nursing? Aren’t you too old? Won’t they discriminate against you? What will happen to your daughter?" But, it seems, the more someone told me I couldn’t do it, the more I wanted to do it. I applied once in 2008 and didn’t get in. I went back to the drawing board and took more classes and undertook more volunteer positions. In 2011, I ended up moving across the country to be with my significant other during his residency years. Again, I began work at a primary care medical organization. Somehow I still couldn’t shake the medical school dream. I’d lay awake some nights thinking that I’d delayed what I had worked so hard to achieve. So, I applied very late in the application cycle this year. I had one of the last interview spots for two schools. I was wait-listed to both… And then, finally, after so many sacrifices and years of doubting myself and hearing others tell me that I was too old and couldn’t do it, I was offered a spot. I was elated and broke into tears when I received the news. It all seemed surreal…
Fast forward to today, I’m less than one month away, and all I can think about are the negatives:
- Am I smart enough?
- Will I fail out?
- Will I become a deadbeat mother/partner/friend?
- Will my daughter turn out okay or will this totally undermine her development?
- How will I help her do her extracurricular activities?
- Will I be able to maintain my relationship?
- If my relationship fails, will I ever have one again?
-Is this the end of my having children?
Suddenly, I’m totally panicking. Balance is so important to me. And yes, I know that I’m pursuing a field with very little balance. So, why did I want to pursue it in the first place? I don’t know. I just know that when I’ve worked with patients in the past, I get this inexplicable feeling of satisfaction and joy being of service to others. But, the last thing I want to do is be a bad parent or partner. My parents are totally down to help me pickup the slack with my daughter, but all I can think about are the effects that my personal aspiration will have on those that I love most. Maybe my daughter needs me more now than these other strangers? I know that I should be grateful and excited to begin this journey, so please don’t think that I’m not. I am aware of how difficult it is to get into school for many people. I’m hoping that some of you who have completed this journey or who are on this journey will share your story with me, good and bad. Thank you!