Why, after almost 4 years of busting my butt, and FIVE days before the MCAT does my husband decide to bring up all of the accumulated, unresolved $h*t in a 14 year marriage? He has lately been saying also that he thinks I’m going to leave him! You would think every magazine in the US sported 300 pound women and I was in HOT DEMAND or something. Christ, this is stressing me and no place to vent except in the spouse area of OPM. What to do? Tried talking but the usually Mr. VERY Talkative has NOTHING to say except “pardon me” if we both are in the kitchen. Give me a break. This started when we agreed to see a counselor about our expectations of our oldest son (20 year old underachiever) but then the unresolved stuff poured out. NOW WHAT!?!
Kathy
I feel your pain. I too experienced the same negative feedback from my husband over the recent months. I posted a similar topic a few days ago in the Premed Personal Discussion section and received some great advice and support from our fellow members. You may want to take a look at that post and you’ll find that you are not alone. It’s titled “Thinking of Giving up my Dream”. I hope this helps. 
Savannah
There could be several issues at work here…as a medical spouse, I’ll just add my .02. 
You guys are embarking on a huge change in both of your lives…I know that you are the one that will be going to med school, etc, and so for you, the focus is clear. For the spouse, it can be a bit more…fuzzy. At times during the training years, I will admit that I at times felt quite envious of my husband (despite his cruddy q3 call schedule)…even jealous…as he continued to progress from med school-residency-fellowship and beyond, things did indeed change in our lives and our marriage…they were due to changing attitudes on his part as well as mine. Keeping things together and growing together was a real challenge at times and required a great deal of communication and sometimes some hurt feelings. Things were hardest for me when I felt that my husband was growing and changing and I was somehow standing still.
My suggestion is to recognize that your husband may indeed be looking back and reevaluating his own life and may be struggling with issues related to his own professional happiness. Maybe instead of focusing on the med school/MCAT thing you guys could go out for dinner and you could bring up how he feels about his job or his life…if he has some changes that he wants to make, etc?? He may really be fearing that as you continue to grow and become more successful that you will lose interest in him. Have you become more confident lately as you have progressed? Are the dynamics in your relationship perhaps shifting a little bit? He might need that reassurance right now about how important he is in your life. If there are marital issues, then it is really important that you guys talk and are really honest with each other about them too.
It sounds to me like you really care about your relationship with your husband and are willing to go to counseling, etc to make things better!
Also, consider sending your husband here to the spouse’s forums or to medicalspouse.org so that he can talk with other spouses at different stages in this process. Maybe as he realizes that you going to medical school is not the end of the marriage, but maybe the beginning of a new, even better life, he will feel less anxious and upset?
Good luck…it sounds like you guys are taking action to make things better.
kris
Kris,
Thanks so much for your input. Yes, my hsuband is feeling like his life isn’t really where he wants it. He went back to school last year, and will finish his bachelor’s degree next summer or fall, and wants to be an academic advisor or counselor. Yes, I’m definitely more confident, but probably not expressing it well. He’s brash, loud, and when he gets angry, yells, which usually shuts me down. I stopped shutting down and fighting back, not constructive, I suppose. Being from different cultures doesn’t help either. We’re going to work on it.
Kathy 
Kathy,
Where is your husband from? My dh is from Germany…I have a little wooden sign hanging in my kitchen that says “Being married to a german builds character” 
It can be tough to manage some of the cultural differences…so I hear you!!!
kris
Your dh? Designated Hitter?
| QUOTE |
| Your dh? Designated Hitter? |
Darling Husband
hehehe...when I first read your response, I thought you had written "Designated Hitler" I was going to agree with you about that on some days..... kris
Mein Ehemann ist auch deutsch... was für ein Sauerkraut mom2doc
| QUOTE |
| was für ein Sauerkraut |
Genau! Hast du auch in Deutschland gelebt?
kris
Ja habe ich in Deutschland zweimal gelebt (-in München und in Heidelberg gelebt). Mein Deutsch ist nicht sehr gut und ich habe viel vergessen, aber ich lehre meine kindern, so.. Vergeben Sie irgendeine Grammatik, Buchstabieren, oder Wortschatz Fehler! Ich hoffe, zurück eines Tages zu gehen.
Ich liebe deutschland!ohhhh! mein kopf schmerz!!
zu viel deutsch!!!
My husband is from Bangladesh. He’s an Indian and a Muslim. So while you guys are conversing in German, I will just say, "Opka nom kya hey? Meri nom Kulsum. Main Amriki aur op ke pas tin beche; do larkda; ek lardki. (That’s VERY SIMPLE Urdu!!)
Kathy
Things are better by the way - seeing a counselor.
Kathy, I am VERY glad to hear that things are better. You guys have invested a lot of time and energy to get to this point and you want to get to where the investment pays off! Hang in there - there is a reason you got together and had those kids, too, and rediscovering that will be sweet. I wish you all the very best.
| QUOTE (mom2doc @ Aug 22 2003, 04:58 PM) |
| Ja habe ich in Deutschland zweimal gelebt (-in München und in Heidelberg gelebt). Mein Deutsch ist nicht sehr gut und ich habe viel vergessen, aber ich lehre meine kindern, so.. Vergeben Sie irgendeine Grammatik, Buchstabieren, oder Wortschatz Fehler! Ich hoffe, zurück eines Tages zu gehen. Ich liebe deutschland!ohhhh! mein kopf schmerz!! zu viel deutsch!!! |
Ah, wir sprechen Deustch! Ach du lieber! I habe viel vergessen auch.
Jo, jo - Können wir auch Schweizer deutsch reden? Mein Mann war Czechische aber habe ich nur ein wenig Czech gelernt - und jetzt er is weg so ich muss nicht diese schwierige sprache lernen . Aber ich muss manchmal meine tochter mit ihre Deutsche Haus Aufgabe helfen. Jeh - so schlect ist gramatik! In der Schweiz was gut ist - mann kann normaleweise der, die, das vergessen. Und in meine Arbeit wir reden immer Englisch.
Je m'appelle Selina.
Ou est la bibliotheque?
Salut selina,
Je m'appelle Chris. Bienvenue a OPM. Vous etes francais ou canadienne ? j'ai etudie le langue pour 5 ans.
Bonjour Chris,
J’ai etudie le langue pour 2 ans (high school) et 1 ans (college).
I can ask where the bookstore and library are and very little else!
I’m half-Cajun, so I was hoping some of the 'Nawlins patois had remained latent in my childhood memories. Uh, NOT!
ahhhh… new orleans- have to make it there for mardi gras someday… hehe
Nah, skip Mardi Gras and go to the Jazz and Heritage Festival (not that I've done either for about fifteen years, but stilll…) The food is better, the music is eclectic and excellent, and the bathrooms are no worse.
Mein erster Ehemann ist schweizerisch. Er und mein Sohn leben in Basel, die Schweiz. Mein Deutsch ist Scheiße. Aber mon francais est meiux!