Advice needed regarding convincing spouse

Nontraditional Premed Discussion
1

Hi everybody,


This post has more of a personal touch than anything else. Some context to it:


I started in Las Vegas, at UNLV, the prereqs. The counselor put together a good list with what I’ll have to accomplish to fulfill my dream to become a doctor. Due to reasons beyond my capacity to influence, at the end of 2010 I moved back to Michigan to a new job. At the begining of 2011 I met my future wife - we started dating in January, in June we were married.


And here comes the hard part. Along the way, I voiced my intent to continue the prereqs for the medical school only to discover lately (last 2-3 months or so) that she doesn’t agree to “sacrifice” her life in order for me to become a doctor. My explanation sounds simplistic but in fact there were countless discussions, often ending in arguments and tears.


Here’s a list of arguments that were going back and forth between me and her:

  1. She’s contemplaiting 10 years of sacrifices in which we wouldn’t be able to enjoy life, travel and have kids; I tried to explain to her that yes, there will be sacrifices, but not 10 years and not the dark levels she’s seeing. The real tough years would the four year of med-school and probably the residence years as well.

  2. she’s saying that why am I having a radical change, going from IT to medical school? Why can’t go back to the roots of my Electrical Engineering bachelor degree I already have. I also explained to her that I am not interested in EE, nor to go in any other engineering field. My passion and my dream is to become a doctor. I cannot imagine waking up and go to work and to something else. She’s not agreeing with this view and she’s seeing it as a childish and stubborn argument. Needless to say that her reply infuriated me over the top.

  3. She wants to have a child and she wants it now. As I’m seeing this, even if I wouldn’t want to continue down the path to medical school, we’re not ready to be that stable and we’re not financially prepared. She hasn’t finished her school, heck she hasn’t even started her graduate degree yet. So I don’t see how exactly is this feasible to have kids NOW. At the very least, I cannot agree on having kids now, without a clear path for our both careers. My clear path involves being a doctor and nothing else.

  4. She wants us to buy a house. I cannot agree on dealing with a house now when we’re probably supposed to move out, even move out of state, when I’ll be accepted to a med school wherever in US. A house will be a complete drag and headache.

  5. Maybe I’m repeating myself, but she’s strongly suggesting that I should quite my dream just because now I have responsability. I definitely explained to her that MY dream was and is to reach the age of 46 to be a doctor AND have a family and kids. The reason I started dating her was that she was being (at least at that moment) the kind of woman I want to have on my side. And I mentioned to her that I didn’t start the whole marriage thing just because I had too much spare time on my hands. I wanted to go in parallel with both school and marriage. As a note, I’m starting to think that this was a naive idea.


    Above all, she’s all counter-reasoning with emotional arguments and not logical steps, especially the part where I should go down on an engineering path of any choice, just to support the family.


    Any help, ideas, moral support how to get out of this (even a mentor-mentee help) would be more than welcome.


    Thanks a lot and I look forward to remain indebted to all of you for your support.
2

Well, starting medical school doesn’t mean you cannot start a family, but you might want to suggest some scenarios that could play out. You could try to obtain a military scholarship if you have any interest in service. That would provide income while you were in school, and eliminate the huge debt burden you would otherwise incur.


There is a girl in my 2nd year class who was married previously, has 2 sons from that marriage, married another man who had 3 little girls (yes, it’s the Brady Bunch and a few weeks after the beginning of second year, the two of them had another child - so now a mother of 6, and continuing to pass medical school (despite interrupted sleep as the baby is still getting up at least 2 times during the night to nurse. Can you parent as a father during medical school - I think so. Many of my classmates have children. Her concern might be about her age - there is a sense of urgency among women to have children in one’s younger years.


Perhaps a rational discussion of the possibilities that include financial provision for your family and a timing of childbearing sometime between now and the end of residency would bring this discussion out of the extremes and towards some sort of meeting of the minds. Does she perhaps feel that you expect her to work to support you during school? Are you supporting her own career goals. Can you both pursue your goals at the same time? Points for discussion.


Kate

3

Hi lipiciu


well, this is tough sh**. Too bad you didn’t mention your dreams before getting married. Not that it would have changed anything, but at least it would have given time to prepare.


As it turns out, a house, kids, a nice TV and a nice car a far from being enough for happiness, and all are actually not necessary (except of the kids if you want them). As long as you get to do what you love, then the rest doesn’t matter.


So does your wife want a grumpy provider or a happy husband?


For sure, you won’t be able to do this without the support of your wife, and there are more than one example on this forum of people who broke up their marriage to pursue their dream. I am not saying that it is what you should do, but this kind of situation is very serious and needs to be handled in one way or another.


My wife is onboard with me, yet arguments are not rare. Life is hard with two kids, her job, mine working at night, classes, financially things aren’t easy, we can’t go out every week, if not because of money, because of lack of time.


So, having your wife on board is critical. If she just don’t want you to do this, and if you really want to do this, then you can expect more fights, tears and overall a miserable situation.


Also, trying to understand her issues may help. Try to find compromises. Take her out, in a neutral place, and try to discuss calmly, without getting mad. Listen to her, her fears. Ok she wants to buy a house, why not after you enter med school and if she has a job? You will need to pay rent anyway.


For instance, one way I get to to do what I want is that if I enter med school, I will borrow extra money to send my kids to a nicer school (assuming I can get loan for child care). I also worked out some vacation and family time schedule and so on. Try to find angles that will appease her fears. Then the support should come naturally (at least if she really loves you).


Good luck

4

Hi there! Sounds like you have quite the conundrum.


Might I suggest you two take a 2 week hiatus from all things med school? Take some time to talk about why you love each other, why you wanted to get married in the first place, etc. Once you take a breather for a week or two, come back to your goals for the future, and just talk about them on neutral ground. Your wife wants stability–and you can’t blame her for that. She came in expecting one thing, and the curve ball has been thrown. The adjusment will take some time, effort, and grace on both your parts. Everything about what she thought her future would look like (both short and long term) is changing… that’s rough. (Just wanting to look at her perspective for a sec.)


Doing the work that fulfills you will make you ultimately a better husband, father, friend, etc. Turn the tables and ask how she’d feel if whatever she was walking towards in terms of education/career was forced out of her hands by a husband who couldn’t see what she needed in order to be happy? Just put the ball in her court (with gentleness) and see how it would feel were the situation reversed?


The hard part is that marriage is a partnership, and it has a great deal more to do with sacrifice than I’d like to admit sometimes. In a situation like yours, you are both going to need some extra amounts of compassion and understanding. You are asking her for a MAJOR sacrifice right in the beginning of your relationship, and that’s got to be scary for her.


Do you know any new doctors who had a spouse all the way through med school? It would be awesome if you could connect your wife with a spouse who’s been there. That person will be able to speak to so many of your wife’s fears and give her a more “real” picture of what to expect. Knowledge is power, and understanding what she’ll really be facing (instead of vague, abstract notions) may be empowering for her.


I definitely think it’s a good thing that these points of contention are surfacing now rather than later (i.e. after kids, the house, years together, etc). Expectations need to be communicated, and the relationship needs to be framed. You give, she gives, you both get.


I’m not sure what I would do without my husband’s support. He picks up the slack at home, sometimes having to be both a father and a mother to our girls, and he is my biggest cheerleader. There is no way I’d be walking this out without his 150% approval and support. We are doing this thing in the same manner that we believe every major road in marriage should be done… together. I’m fairly certain that everyone on this forum who is married will tell you how vital it is to have your spouse on board. Resentment is the worst kind of poison.


Best of luck as you traverse these choppy waters. You certainly aren’t alone around here! Please keep us posted…

5

Looks like at least two people got the wrong idea and I think this my mistake for not making it more clear.


While we were dating, prior to any serious any engagement from both of us, she knew that I’d like to continue with the medical school. At the very least, she knew that I started the prereqs at UNLV. It’s not like, after the wedding I suddenly changed the course and the news that I want to go to the medical school fell out of the sky.


The thought that the medical school is a scary idea for her, yes, that’s true. In part comes from my inability to get over the scared face, tears and at times some yelling, and calm her down and explain logically what is to be expected in terms of time, financial liability, timing for her education and having kids. I have thought through for the financial part for the timing but to be hones, not for having the kids part.


On the other hand, her refusal also comes from a certain apprehension to overstate or “to make a mountain out of a molehill” as you might say it. I cannot say how much it makes me mad her outright refusal to judge things through and compute the goddamn cost-benefits. When she still does that, she always comes up with her view.


“What if our parents back in Romania fall sick and we cannot help them?”. Well, I said, yes we would be able to help them and they also have the big family close. And that’s true for both sets of parents, hers and mine as well.


“What if you fall ill or you can’t finish what you started?” - Yes, I can get ill but then again, that’s the case with her as well. Can’t finish what I started? Ain’t gonna happen, not with the medical school. That’s what I’m dreaming about to do; I know where I want to be, we just need to go that direction.


I’m even ready to get life insurance in order to cover the unexpected where a bus/bug/thug will hit me and leave her and any subsequent kid(s) without financial support.


I am close to the end of my frustration. And that’s bad.

6

I’m sorry. I am one of the lucky ones that has the support of my wife. After 17 years of marriage, I can honestly say that if she decided this whole med school process was too much, I would relent.


Maybe, that is the question you have to ask yourself. If she is unwilling to support you, are you ready to sacrifice a relationship for a career choice?


Hard question.

7
  • radardenny Said:
[...] After 17 years of marriage, I can honestly say that if she decided this whole med school process was too much, I would relent.

Hard question.



Relent? No. In order for me to be fulfilled and happy I wanted to have a family and have a MD degree.

This is how I envision my life it has to be so I am acting accordingly. I am not saying here that her wishes don't count, I am saying that my wishes don't count just because there's an ill will not to go through with the thought how can we achieve this.

It's one thing to both of us bang our heads against the wall and find no solution how can I become a doctor and it's another thing to dismiss MY dreams in order to fulfill hers and have a stable(?) life. I am kind of questioning that stability though...

  • radardenny Said:
[...]are you ready to sacrifice a relationship for a career choice?



Time will tell. I am not ready to go there, nor even think about it. After all, as I was previously saying, I want to be a doctor AND have a family. I just trust myself that I'll do what has to be done. It just scares me not trying to fulfill my dream.

Your question is spot on, though. And that much I can say, be thankful for your wife because she understood you and your dreams.
8

I agree. We evaluate the status of our family after every semester, and I vowed that if I see even the slightest fracture, we will seriously reconsider and take major steps to resolve the issues. I feel like by putting my marriage above anything I do alone, I will inevitably be better supported through those things.


I say that with the experience of having been through a divorce myself… this is a 2nd marriage for both of us, and we simply wouldn’t wish the pain of divorce on our worst enemy. It’s hell, to be sure.


Fear is an ugly monster, and it makes us do all kinds of things we wouldn’t normally do. It sounds like your wife is having anxiety due to the reality of “wow, he’s really doing this” finally sinking in.


Just to play devil’s advocate–you claim she’s making a mountain out of a molehill… but perception is reality. And if it feels like a mountain to her, then it’s a real mountain. Until you guys can work to debunk some of those fears and replace them with clearer versions of the real picture, it’s likely that the mountain will just continue to grow. I know I personally am VERY good at worrying about things I either have no control over or that won’t even be relevant for years to come.


I’d take a breather. Let cooler heads prevail. And just start honestly evaluating your marriage, your life together, and how you’re going to get over the mountains AND the molehills together. You’ll probably both have to give a little, and you’ll both need extra patience.


In the end, she may just be looking for some reassurance and encouragement regarding how she fits into this journey you’re on. Only time will tell. Again, good luck…

9

I can only say that trying and doing something else will NEVER quell the lingering question of “why did I not try” … it never dies.


Not to t/j but: I had a fantastic career - VP of internal audit, well over $200k per year (pushing $300k one year), traveled all over the world, had an Infiniti FX 45 and a Cadillac Escalade ESV (both brand spanking new, driven off the show room floor), a gorgeous 3-story house with a 1.5 story guest house on a secluded piece of property along a well loved river. There is only one continent my well heeled toes have not set foot on (Antarctica), Paris is fine especially in the Chanel stores off the Champs-Élysées. AND I’m a


single mom.


Never married. No husband, no child support, no nothing. I built my career by myself to make sure my son and I had a great life. And we did.


It meant nothing. None of it. Not the cars, the boat, the house, the traveling, the fancy art… none of it.


Why? Because in the back of my head, in the tiny crevice of my heart, a tiny voice kept saying, “You sold out.”


And the day I was the only one not involved in an accident scene where the woman was trapped in her car with a Mack truck on her hood and the side caved into her body…


I realized the voice would never, ever shut up.


At 47, I can “see” the MCAT looming. And that little niggling voice?


It has finally shut up!


I like everyone else’s suggestions to let thing sit for a bit.


But I do not think you should give up your dream so someone else can have their life. You will end up resentful, imo.

10

I hate that you are going through that. I have a B.S. in Civil Engineering, and then worked as a software engineer for 15 years. I am completely with you in that it would be a soul destroying move to go back to that once you realize that becoming a doctor is what you want for your life.


The two of you sound like you are so far off the same page, that I personally can’t imagine that you will work it out. If you go down this road, everything that you will likely have to give up will probably get thrown back in your face at every opportunity. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I was there in an earlier part of my life. I doubt you will be able to do this without there being a lot of sacrifices on both of you, and if she isn’t willing to make them, you can’t force her. You need a partner to do this, and it doesn’t sound like she’s being one.


I wish I had some actual advice. Like you are reading here from others, many of us gave up careers to do this. I’ve gone from having the house, cars, motorcycles, world travel, etc, to low-rent couch surfing, beater car, and school books. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I only wish I had done this sooner.

11

There is a lot of emotion going on here. You have your dreams that you want to follow and your wife has her idea of what her dreams are. The first thing that your guys need to do is to sit down and talk. While one person is speaking the other person should just listen. Not just hear the words but listen and understand where they are coming from and what they mean to each person.


When I first brought up the idea of going to medical school my wife and I just had our first child. The discussions would occur on a weekly basis, usually on Saturday afternoons while taking the baby for a walk or going to the park with her. There were a lot of issues that needed to be worked out and understood. And it took quite a while to be in a position where both of us were comfortable enough to move forward. One of her arguments is that she is not even being given the choice of where we are going to move and it did not seem fair to her. This issues was heard and a compromise was made. I will come back to that later.


There is no reason why you and your wife cannot have children while you are in medical school. Life does not stop while you are in school. I had my 4th girl while I was a 3rd year about to enter my 4th year. In addition, at least 1 or 2 of my classmates had children, several got married, some bought houses, etc. etc. Again, life does not stop.


You should include her in the process. So that she does not feel left out. When it comes to selecting schools, include her as well. As I said before, I did just that. It all started with my selecting a large number of schools that I was interested in. From those, we both sat down and my wife told me where she would NOT be willing to move to. Those schools were eliminated. From the list that was left, we looked it over and agreed on where it would be best for all of us. When it came to move, I told my wife that she will pick the house we move to.


In the end it worked out. It is doable but there has to be compromise on both sides and you both need to listen to each other. I am sure that if your wife has questions that she would like to ask my wife, it would be fine. My wife has done that several times.


Remember, you are both going through this together. It is very possible that she is just afraid.

12
  • radardenny Said:
[...] After 17 years of marriage, I can honestly say that if she decided this whole med school process was too much, I would relent.



I'm sorry that I have to do some text analysis here but there's something off about this statement.

I have no doubts that you and you're wife are loving each other and you are partners very committed in your relationship. However, your statement belongs to the happiness of the moment when you realized that you got it good unlike others (in this case, me). Had the med school been too much and had you relented, you would've been eventually resentful or, at the best case scenario, you would've been left wondering "what if...?". Happy wife, happy life but not happy husband. I believe in balance, not in one-sided total sacrifice.

I am basically in that (hypothetical for you, reality for me) moment where I'm being asked to change (again) course and do whatever else. I suddenly realize that, from a non-traditional premedical student perspective, there are two kinds of people: those who follow their dream and "break the devil in four to achieve" as a Romanian proverb would say, and the rest.
13

Your situation is eerily similar to mine, except I already have the kids. My wife blamed my desire to go back to school on a mid-life crisis and thought it utterly ridiculous. We are separated now and I don’t wish it on you brother. My advice to you would be that, if you are truly serious about this and your wife is totally against it, do NOT involve children.


I would suggest going to a marriage counselor and get some independent professional advice. By all means try to make your marriage work but if you feel like the desire to become a physician will always linger then make it happen. I knew deep inside that if I gave up my dream I would always live with bitterness and regret. I made the decision not to live that way because life is too short. Good luck to you!

14
  • lipiciu Said:
Had the med school been too much and had you relented, you would've been eventually resentful or, at the best case scenario, you would've been left wondering "what if...?". Happy wife, happy life but not happy husband. I believe in balance, not in one-sided total sacrifice.



Regarding Radardenny wondering "what if," in the hypothetical scenario where he'd relented, I think maybe so, maybe not. Each one of us prioritizes things differently. Yes, all of us are here because of the "dream" but as some have stated in this very thread, certain other things rank even higher (spouse, kids, whatever.) But to them. You might feel otherwise. Regarding your statement "I believe in balance, not in one-sided sacrifice," it seems to me you're looking for a how-to guide. I have neither kids nor a significant other, but I think Gabe's post gives you a great how-to guide. Your next step is to use that guide and have those conversations with your wife. As Gabe has posted, it is likely to take several conversations, not just one and done. So perhaps start by having one conversation. Maybe you've already done so, but perhaps try a different approach this time. For example, as Gabe did when he made a list of schools and allowed his wife to have input in the decision of where to move, etc. Try to move the conversation from the emotional to the rational (as much as possible.)
15
  • Dullhead Said:
As Gabe has posted, it is likely to take several conversations, not just one and done.



Now if only conversations on the subject matter with my wife would've been as simple as a biology manual with quizzes at the end...

Yes, Gabe's approach is more than welcome and I plan on doing so. Again. I just need a strong foot in the door first.
16

Have her look at the web site. Wine and chocolates are a good ice breaker too.


Or even, both of you come to the conference and see what it is all about and who is there. Start a conversation and after a little while, agree to come back to it later and then discuss a movie that is out, or how train travel in this county is just not feasible like in Europe or how horrible Lady Gaga’s dress was at the Grammy’s. Just something else. After a few days, talk about it again.

17

Ironically, figuring out complex problems like this is good medical education.


Maybe don’t pose the entire grueling hike to her, but the first baby step. Reassure her. Make her feel that she is a part of your life. And if, by some chance, you don’t want her there, be honest.


Being a doctor is a very heavy responsibility, one which demands a high level of focus and maturity.


Consider your formal education to have already begun.


Good luck, and Godspeed.

18
  • In reply to:
I'm sorry that I have to do some text analysis here but there's something off about this statement.



I agree with what others have said about further discussing, and exploring what medical school would really mean with your wife.

Indeed, if my wife had been initially opposed to the idea, I would have done the same. I wouldn't just rollover and give-in. I would plead my case and patiently (albeit with much frustration) wait for her to get on board.

If, after I felt I was no longer having an impact, and her opinion was firm, only then, would I relent. I am wholeheartedly committed to becoming a physician. My wife and I are fully aware of the demands that medical school places upon families. Though we have not yet experienced what that life will entail, we feel we are prepared.

Ultimately, if she felt that this path was no longer what she wanted for us, I would give in. I was committed to my wife many years before I decided to pursue a career in medicine. We have a partnership.

  • In reply to:
you would've been eventually resentful or, at the best case scenario, you would've been left wondering "what if...?". Happy wife, happy life but not happy husband. I believe in balance, not in one-sided total sacrifice.



Yes, I would regret that I was unable to pursue something that had been given so much of my time in preparation. Yes, I would sometimes think, "What if?". But, I would be empty without my wife. Given the choice of a less ideal career choice, and the loss of my wife, I would choose the former.

I'm not suggesting that you are at that point in your decision stage, nor, that it should or would ever get to that point. I am merely expressing the level of commitment to my own relationship.

  • In reply to:
I suddenly realize that... there are two kinds of people: those who follow their dream and "break the devil in four to achieve" as a Romanian proverb would say, and the rest.



Yes. This brings us back to my original question. Are you willing to follow your dream in spite of the opinion of your spouse, and "break the devil in four"?
19
  • In reply to:
I suddenly realize that, from a non-traditional premedical student perspective, there are two kinds of people: those who follow their dream and "break the devil in four to achieve" as a Romanian proverb would say, and the rest.



I don't know if it is a cultural barrier here(Romania vs American) or if you are just being a little heavy handed those OPM that were married before we decided to persue this.

I've known my wife for almost 20 years so to do soemthing that would end my marriage would be destroying 20 years of happiness that we built together. How ever much happiness my career in medicine will bring me, it will never make me as happy as my wife has. I believe that Denny feel the same way. It's easy for you to say your dreams are more important when you have barely know your wife for a year.

Also in your case this as a decision that was made before your marriage whereas most of us here came to it after we had been married. Our spouses mostly knew we were unhappy but probably didn't know the sacrifice that we both would have to make for us to be happy. So for us it is a big deal that we have a spouse comitted to us and it would be imp[ortant that she follow us through what will be a very tough time in our lives. I don't know that I would want to be a doctor without my wife by my side. I don't think that makes my desire any less I just think it makes my desire to be a good husband stronger. I know the risks that I am taking to my marriage by going down this path, but we are trying to minmize those risks as much as possible.

As far as your original issue OP, it seems that you are dead set on going to med-school and marraige be damned and you are looking to us for some magic way to convince your wife not to leave you over it. That line of thinking has failure written all over it. I know that you probably can't see it, but you are being just as uncomprimising as she is. You are saying this is what I want and I want you to get out of my way. While the goals may be different the way you both are approaching them is not. I would say a lot of this comes from only knowing eachother a year. (I know I was a complete @$$clown as a husband in year one). Also you being dismissive of her fears and what she wants is no way to get on the good side of your wife. Telling her she is overdramatic is probably about the worst insult you can give a woman.

I think in order for you to solve this you are going to have to show your wife that you value her wants and fears no matter how "crazy" you think they are. Your solution lies in both of you working it out equally. She is never going to get the house and family she wants without you and you are never going to get the marraige and career without her. Once you two try to get on the same page and try to combine goals and work toward them together will you be successful.
20
  • BaileyPup Said:


I don't know if it is a cultural barrier here(Romania vs American) or if you are just being a little heavy handed those OPM that were married before we decided to persue this.

I've known my wife for almost 20 years so to do soemthing that would end my marriage would be destroying 20 years of happiness that we built together. How ever much happiness my career in medicine will bring me, it will never make me as happy as my wife has. I believe that Denny feel the same way. It's easy for you to say your dreams are more important when you have barely know your wife for a year.

Also in your case this as a decision that was made before your marriage whereas most of us here came to it after we had been married. Our spouses mostly knew we were unhappy but probably didn't know the sacrifice that we both would have to make for us to be happy. So for us it is a big deal that we have a spouse comitted to us and it would be imp[ortant that she follow us through what will be a very tough time in our lives. I don't know that I would want to be a doctor without my wife by my side. I don't think that makes my desire any less I just think it makes my desire to be a good husband stronger. I know the risks that I am taking to my marriage by going down this path, but we are trying to minmize those risks as much as possible.

As far as your original issue OP, it seems that you are dead set on going to med-school and marraige be damned and you are looking to us for some magic way to convince your wife not to leave you over it. That line of thinking has failure written all over it. I know that you probably can't see it, but you are being just as uncomprimising as she is. You are saying this is what I want and I want you to get out of my way. While the goals may be different the way you both are approaching them is not. I would say a lot of this comes from only knowing eachother a year. (I know I was a complete @$$clown as a husband in year one). Also you being dismissive of her fears and what she wants is no way to get on the good side of your wife. Telling her she is overdramatic is probably about the worst insult you can give a woman.

I think in order for you to solve this you are going to have to show your wife that you value her wants and fears no matter how "crazy" you think they are. Your solution lies in both of you working it out equally. She is never going to get the house and family she wants without you and you are never going to get the marraige and career without her. Once you two try to get on the same page and try to combine goals and work toward them together will you be successful.



No, the cultural barrier is not there. Heavy handed - probably yes, and I'm starting to believe that my attitude might be out of the all-mighty fear that I'm going to "sink" in the marriage and all the other goals that need to be achieved by us, as a couple, are going to take complete priority over my career. After all, I'm already seeing how she's thinking - "you gotta go back to your engineering roots, leave the MD bs aside 'cause is not 'feasible'" (she didn't actually formulated the phrase like, but that's the idea).

And yes, you're right, when you have 20 years of happiness behind you two, you have to be out of your mind to sacrifice those years, your marriage JUST for a dream. Your dream and your marriage have to work together, and apparently worked out for you very fine.

That was my objective in the first place: to sit down, talk, plan and combine both of our goals and work towards them. We want kids but I also want a MD degree, we want a house (but the timing is different, she wants it in the next 12 months, I want it after residency), she wants a decent car, I want to "preserve" my stickshift. I definitely can agree on cutting from my goals and wishes, but one goal has to stay up there: the medical school.

Both of our goal sets are achievable with the right planning. But, right now, this very moment, if I open my mouth and say the words "counselor, medical school, scheduled appointment" she will literally explode. She went back and forth in agreeing with me, then disagreeing, then agreeing again and now she's disagreeing again - "no med school for you, back to your EE degree". This back and forth, melodramatic attitude and indecision doesn't really work for me. I need her to be judge things cool and think, not feel. She is capable of doing that, I know it for sure and I've seen it countless times.

  • BaileyPup Said:
As far as your original issue OP, it seems that you are dead set on going to med-school and marriage be damned and you are looking to us for some magic way to convince your wife not to leave you over it. That line of thinking has failure written all over it.



That my line of thinking has failure written all over it, I was able to feel it a while ago, yes. But then again, with people in general ( and my wife in particular ), when you lend finger they take your all hand. She makes no exception. If I agree on a change, she's set on the next change and so on. I mean, if I quit chasing the MD degree, next is going to be "get two jobs and go to school". That doesn't necessarily is flying for me either. That can probably explain my dead-set attitude.

At some point I wanted us to go to counseling, just to discover that "a counselor can't do for us what we can't do". I was astonished. And I continue to be speechless when I hear that.

Darn, looks like I'm venting too much.