Dating Advice for Nontrads?

General Med Student Discussion
1

Hi, I posted this as studentdoctor as well but figured there would be more expertise concentrated here. There are a lot of posts about holding a marriage together but none that I could find about dating. Here goes: I’m a non-trad (37 year old second year) who’s recently divorced (no kids) and wants to start dating again. Big surprise for me: I thought this would be easy, considering I did pretty well in this department before getting married, but so far, zero success. (You’re probably wondering, so: I didn’t physically fall apart during marriage, I’m in-shape, physically active and sociable, not bald, no gray hair, etc.) Any advice or thoughts are appreciated. So far here are the “approaches” I’ve thought of:

  • Women at my school are nice, attractive, not crazy, but are all younger of course and seem to regard me as basically a curiosity. So that hasn’t worked.

  • Local women outside the medical school? This was my next thought, but it’s gone nowhere. In my city, there’s no value placed on “intellectualness”, so women don’t seem impressed by that aspect of medicine. Even so, being a single doctor at 37 would probably be a good thing. But for a single medical student at 37, women seem to be either confused (“Wait, I thought you said you were a doctor? Well how are you still in school now?”) or just not interested.

  • Residents? Attendings? Haven’t tried this, but if a woman is going to cross the boundary of dating a junior (in terms of authority) wouldn’t they rather date the 24 year old future radiologist than the 37 year old?

  • Undergrads? Probably not. If I’m too old even for graduate students, undergrads would contact the authorities if I started flirting.


    My real concern is that I’m stuck in a weird age bracket that means at 44 when I’m done with my residency, I’ll suddenly be marketable only because I’m making money, and I would think only gold-diggers will be interested in LTRs at that point.
2

Hi thegreatbri,


What year of medical school are you in? I was wondering if someone on OPM would ever broach this topic because I’m in exactly the same situation you’re in right now, except I have the misfortune of being 6 years older than even you are. Although I don’t have an answer, I’d be curious to see the replies to your post.

3

Have you considered trying an online dating site. They’ll let you get to know someone without committing a lot of time initially. Some may scoff at online dating but my brother met his wife on one and she’s fantastic.

4

@OwenO, thanks, that seems to be the advice for medical students in general who want to save time. I’ve noticed to my chagrin that a lot of women use 35 as a cut-off. @TicDocDoh, I’m MS2. So far the only responses have been OwenO’s, and one other person who suggested dating residents and attendings (but didn’t address the authority inversion problem there for a man being the more politically junior partner).

5

You’re going to be envious-- I got lucky and found another thirtysomething medical student to date.


Online profiles are perfectly viable. Another suggestion: if you want something a little less stilted, the best place to meet eligible professionals without alcohol and poor lighting is a big, busy gym.

6
  • thegreatbri Said:
I've noticed to my chagrin that a lot of women use 35 as a cut-off.



I feel your pain.

  • thegreatbri Said:
...one other person who suggested dating residents and attendings.



I would recommend against doing this as most schools would consider this a lapse in professionalism for both you and the attending/resident which could result in disciplinary measures for either one or both of you.

I think most of the people on these forums are married by the time they get to medical school so it's unlikely anyone on this site will ever have to deal with this problem. Good luck, though.
7

Hey, I disagree with the previous poster! I’m 54 (just had a birthday) and in the same boat. The only folks my age around are mostly the faculty! (yeah, that’s not going to work…)


I might suggest joining MENSA and checking out the local Mensa meeting. THere is usually a diversity of ages at Mensa meetings, and at least you know the people there will be intelligent. You’ll have something fun social to do with s possibility of meeting someone.


If the local meeting is too small (there actually isn’t one in the area I’m going to school), you’ll also get the national magazine with listings of the various regional gatherings thruout the year - pick one during any break time you have. Much larger gathering of folks so lots more “scope”


Just a thought.


Kate

8

Holy crap I can really relate. I’m an LVN/RN transition student.single… early 30’s, considering a P.A.program. I have no children,I’m petite, fit and not ugly,yet I find myself entertaining (and trying to accept)the possibility that I might be flying solo the rest of my life as well.






9
  • thegreatbri Said:
Hi, I posted this as studentdoctor as well but figured there would be more expertise concentrated here. There are a lot of posts about holding a marriage together but none that I could find about dating. Here goes: I'm a non-trad (37 year old second year) who's recently divorced (no kids) and wants to start dating again. Big surprise for me: I thought this would be easy, considering I did pretty well in this department before getting married, but so far, zero success. (You're probably wondering, so: I didn't physically fall apart during marriage, I'm in-shape, physically active and sociable, not bald, no gray hair, etc.) Any advice or thoughts are appreciated. So far here are the "approaches" I've thought of:

- Women at my school are nice, attractive, not crazy, but are all younger of course and seem to regard me as basically a curiosity. So that hasn't worked.

- Local women outside the medical school? This was my next thought, but it's gone nowhere. In my city, there's no value placed on "intellectualness", so women don't seem impressed by that aspect of medicine. Even so, being a single doctor at 37 would probably be a good thing. But for a single medical student at 37, women seem to be either confused ("Wait, I thought you said you were a doctor? Well how are you still in school now?") or just not interested.

- Residents? Attendings? Haven't tried this, but if a woman is going to cross the boundary of dating a junior (in terms of authority) wouldn't they rather date the 24 year old future radiologist than the 37 year old?

- Undergrads? Probably not. If I'm too old even for graduate students, undergrads would contact the authorities if I started flirting.

My real concern is that I'm stuck in a weird age bracket that means at 44 when I'm done with my residency, I'll suddenly be marketable only because I'm making money, and I would think only gold-diggers will be interested in LTRs at that point.



Lol thanks, your mail brought a big smile to my face. Almost identical situation - first year, 37, divorced longer though, no kids, not ugly.

I've found out that outside the university a big negative is that gals tend to think - he's a broke student! Yep. the same girls will bite harder than a hammerhead when I'm practicing!:-)

I've also noticed that there seems to be a huge gap, almost generational gap in terms of perspectives between myself and the generation that grew up with 24/7 internet access. You hit the nail on the head with being a curiosity rather than an eligible male!

My conclusions exactly, an awkward age and even more awkward social situation with the non-trad and all.
10
  • MattFugazi Said:
You're going to be envious-- I got lucky and found another thirtysomething medical student to date.



That, of course, would be the ideal solution for the OP (and possibly the rest of us).
11

There’s something that bothers me about online dating sites…well several things, but most important is the desperation of people that use them.I mean do you really want someone who is that desperate for a relationship?? Anyone that desperate is more likely to misrepresent themselves,“torture” call you and/or be a general pest.

12

That is an excellent idea (actually pondered that myself.)There are a few barriers (not being a member for one and the whole “long distance” thing may not be appealing to everyone.)I will try though.

13

DJ sweetpea,


You’re still relatively young. 30 is the new 21! Plus, there’s a growing trend of younger guys dating older women. I think you’ll be just fine.

14

Here’s dating advice for non-trads, undergrads, widowed dads, and any other unattached human being over 21 with a detectable pulse:


Never date anyone you know you don’t want to marry.


I know this is not what you’re looking for. You want to know how to meet women. As someone married for almost a quarter century, I’m not well-qualified to speak on that point, so I’ll leave that to the experts. My contribution to the discussion is the above idea. Life is too precious and dating too important to waste your time going out with people you already know you don’t have a future with. Now, if you don’t already know, then of course that’s different; the whole point of dating (in the traditional sense of the word) is to find out how you get along with the other person to determine whether you’re well-matched for each other.


Real dating, as opposed to casual sleeping together, seems to be a lost art among young adults today. It is an exercise in finding a lifetime companion. Consequently, it’s really a sacred activity, and should be approached not with grave seriousness, but with a keen appreciation for what you’re trying to accomplish. You want to find someone (1) whom you like, (2) who likes you, and (3) who shares your core values. When you discover that your current date permanently violates one of these three conditions, thank him/her after the date is over, wish him/her the best, and move on.


And if you find a girl who doesn’t want to date you because you’re currently a poor student but who would be fine dating you as a doctor, thank God with all your heart that you found out what a shallow golddigger she is before you got involved with her, and leave her permanently in your rear view mirror.


/advice

15
  • DJ sweetpea Said:
There's something that bothers me about online dating sites....well several things, but most important is the desperation of people that use them.I mean do you really want someone who is that desperate for a relationship?? Anyone that desperate is more likely to misrepresent themselves,"torture" call you and/or be a general pest.



I certainly disagree - I don't think being on an online dating site implies one is desperate for a relationship.

I am not averse to joining one of these sites and it is certainly not because I am desperate. I just don't have the time to go to bars, cafes, social events to meet other eligible ladies.

Right now it's just the ~$50/month that's keeping me from joining!
16

Tic Toc Doh-


What is up with that picture? C’mon… I know you have a better one !

17
  • DJ sweetpea Said:
I mean do you really want someone who is that desperate for a relationship??



Yes



  • DJ sweetpea Said:
Anyone that desperate is more likely to misrepresent themselves,"torture" call you and/or be a general pest.



I'm sure not everyone who's online fits that description. Conversely, you could just as easily meet someone like this in the offline world. There have always been people like this in society - long before Al Gore ever invented the internet.
18

LMAO on this thread!


I can give you a perspective from a female standpoint, though I am not a med student but 35 year old pre-med.


Well, I do not think it is about being broke that is a concern. It is a fact that at this point in life most people are settled (and likely successful at something and make a reasonable living) and look forward to start a family. They want to travel, share their passions (which is not becoming a doctor), and explore the world with someone. This is extremely difficult with someone who is starting med school, and then will go through residency. Since, you are meeting someone (and the relationship is not established) — girl/guy just does not want to get into this. Also (just saying) - there are plenty of fish in the water!


Online dating: I do not think that it is only for desperates, though there are a lot of them out there. It is also for liars, and then those who are pretty serious about meeting someone for “marriage”. It is easy to filter the others — just ask a few pointed questions, and you won’t hear back from players, liars, and a desperate one might end up paying for a cup of coffee. Move on!

19

Great advice, Spox and CB!



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  • In reply to:
You want to find someone (1) whom you like, (2) who likes you, and (3) who shares your core values. When you discover that your current date permanently violates one of these three conditions, thank him/her after the date is over, wish him/her the best, and move on.



This is absolutely true, and, by the way, is the basis for establishing any friendship, not just a dating relationship.

  • In reply to:
Never date anyone you know you don't want to marry.



I really don't like this advice, however, for a couple of reasons.

First, most people who go to medical school relocate to a strange city, alone. It is kind of nice to do some casual dating, in order to socialize, talk about SOMETHING besides medical school, and explore the new town (restaurants, museums). And no, by "socialize" I don't mean a euphemism for "nailing everything that moves". Most people in their thirties have the self-control to have a night of flirting, conversation, a meal with someone new, and then go home alone and satisfied.

Second, and more importantly, there is a practice aspect to dating that has been so crucial for me, and much more vital than the whole grand marriage audition. You assume that the person is fully formed, and ready for marriage at 21 with a pulse. I'm here to tell you that for most people that is not the case. You have to learn how to tolerate sharing, partnership, long (years-long) conversations with the same person, and what you want from sex and what you can provide. These are SKILLS, and you aren't born with them, you have to build them. Please note that many people of every generation have to first unlearn the patterns of their parents' own crummy marriage: this takes years of dating and/or self-discovery through your twenties and beyond.